OK, So Here's The Deal...

A Marine Major, Running Fool, and All-Around Smart-Ass.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Can't Even Get Suicide Right

Body hanging from tree mistaken for Halloween decoration

FREDERICA, Delaware (AP) -- The apparent suicide of a woman found hanging from a tree went unreported for hours because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration, authorities said.


(yeah, but it was the BEST decoration on the block.)

Unfortunate Architecture

My living room where my computer is has one step down at both entrances.

Ouch.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Time Splits Sent Out Via Email And Text Messaging

Jason Grose, 00:59:02 (chiptime) @ 10K mark

Jason Grose, 02:07:17 (chiptime) @ Halfway

Jason Grose, 04:07:06 (chiptime) @ 23M mark

Jason Grose, 04:47:53 (chiptime) @ Final time (unofficial)

Lactic Acid

Lance Armstrong has an unusual deficiency of lactic acid creation in his freakish body.

I, on the other hand, am not so lucky. In fact, I think I make up for the production he lacks.

But I finished the 30th Annual Marine Corps Marathon and my time was ~4:48. Not my best, not my worst, and not my last.

I want to thank all of you that gave me th support I needed to finish my 14th marathon; the top of the list being my wonderful wife and kids.

I'll write more later when it doesn't hurt to exist.

Freeze Warning?!

WTFO???????

A FREEZE WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM 1 AM TO 7 AM EST SUNDAY.

HIGH PRESSURE WILL BUILD OVER THE REGION TONIGHT. AS THE HIGH MOVES OVERHEAD...EXPECT CLEAR SKIES AND LIGHT WINDS. AS A RESULT...TEMPERATURES WILL FALL INTO THE LOWER 30S DURING THE PRE- DAWN HOURS SUNDAY MORNING.

A FREEZE WARNING MEANS SUB-FREEZING TEMPERATURES ARE IMMINENT OR HIGHLY LIKELY. THESE CONDITIONS WILL KILL CROPS AND OTHER SENSITIVE VEGETATION.

(and turn Jason into a scared turtle waiting for the marathon to start!)

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Run, Jason, RUN!!!!

I'M RUNNING THE 2005 MARINE CORPS MARATHON TOMORROW. CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT IS GOING TO GET ME TO THE FINISH LINE.

Also, here is the email I sent out today:

Friends and Family,

Well, as some of you know, I’m running the Marine Corps Marathon tomorrow (Sunday) and I’m just settling up the last of the preparations today.

If you want to track me, there are a few ways to do it. I’ve signed a few of you up for it already but as far as I can tell, here are some ways to see how I’m doing while I’m doing (or NOT doing) it:

My bib number, if you need it, is 9836. My start time is 0815 and I’m shooting for 4:30 or faster and of course, to survive.

(I lifted the descriptions off the website)

1. Map Track - new feature

This new feature allows spectators to track a runner on a simplified Course Map and follow their progress as they run the race. Their position on the course will be projected in real-time along the course map using their latest pace data. A status bar keeps track of the runner's progress and is updated with new pace information every time a runner crosses a split location. It's the next best thing to being at the event.

(I think you have to get to this through the marathon website: http://www.marinemarathon.com/)

2. Remote Runner Tracking (Race Alerts)

Keep track of your runner from any location. Get split times and finish information instantly on a pager, text messaging number or e-mail. Click here to sign up. This is a free service.

(Make sure you register and then put in the confirmation code they send you for this to work).

3. Click here for live video views (You must have mpeg viewer, 28MB file)

4. Live Results

The Marine Corps Marathon will transmit LIVE splits and finishing times to the internet. Each runner’s time at designated checkpoints during the race will be transmitted to our website hosted by ActiveNetwork.

OK, end of commercial. Wish me luck and if you check out any of these tracking capabilities, you will know how I did when I do. If not, I’ll have my blog updated in a couple of days to let you know how it went.

Semper Fi.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Suluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

George Takei, 'Trek's' Sulu: I'm gay:

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- George Takei, who as helmsman Sulu steered the Starship Enterprise through three television seasons and six movies, has come out as a homosexual in the current issue of Frontiers, a biweekly Los Angeles magazine covering the gay and lesbian community.

(when I first started reading the headline identifying a celebrity, I thought he had died. No such luck.)

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Funniest Costume Ever



I've been saying for years that I have to buy and wear this costume.

Maybe even for Halloween.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Dead Dead Dead



"Elmer "Len" Dresslar Jr., who extolled vegetables to generations of TV watchers as the booming voice of the Jolly Green Giant, has died. He was 80."

The guy gets away with calling America a trio of whores for years without punishment. Not so jolly now, are you?

Mean To Laugh But Come On!!!

"A crossing guard was struck and killed in front of a high school by another crossing guard on his way to work, police said."

"Estelle Reynolds, 81, was killed Tuesday morning after being struck in a crosswalk by a vehicle driven by Marvin Hodgdon, 70. He was on his way to his crossing guard job in nearby Hillsdale."

They were both crossing guards.

One was 81 and one was 70.

Other than the death thing, you HAVE to admit, this is pretty funny.

I'm pretty sure I'm goin' to Hell.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Ring My Bell

Just watch.

And laugh like I did, until you cry.

(don't go to the site that's watermarked, it's porn).

This just in...

"Tonya Harding tussled in her home with a man she described as her boyfriend, prompting an emergency call by the figure skater-turned-boxer and an arrest of the man."

At some point, he got all hot and bothered about this:

















Can we really blame him folks? Obviously, this guy has poor decision-making skills from the get go.

Tookie Headin' For The Big Crib In The Sky

"A judge signed a death warrant Monday for Stanley "Tookie" Williams, a co-founder of the notorious Crips gang who was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for his children's books."

Founder of the Crips wrote children books?

Does this mean that Dr. Seus gets to stick some motha%^^# and bust some caps into some foo?

And he almost won a Nobel Peace Prize?

A Peace Prize?

Peace?

Wow, that would be a tough sell.

"Yeah, he started the most notorious gang in America but now he's a great guy. Um, yes, he's sentenced to die. Well, we all have our issues. What? Ohhhhh, we thought it was a Piece Prize. Our bad."

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Credit Reports

I only subscribe to Runner's World, PC, PC World, and Smart Computing magazines. I only read a few of the hundreds I have backlogged, much to my wife's ire.

Anyway, I found something really useful in this month's PC World.

It's federal law that you can get one free credit report every 12 months. But the cool thing is that there are 3 different credit report companies so if you are smart like me, you can order one every 4 months, rotating through each company.

Here is how it works. Go here to get started. Make sure you only use annualcreditreport.com because you just know there are going to be similar companies that will try to get you to pay for this.

I did this for Equifax and got my credit report. Seems I got like uber-good credit, thank you very much.

I copied the entire report as a Word document and saved it on my computer. Then I set up reminders in Outlook to tell me to get a copy of my Transunion report every February, my Experian report every June, and my Equifax report every October. That way I get a report every 4 months and save them on my computer.

I also tried to get one for my wife with the plan to get her Transunion report every April, her Experian report every August, and her Equifax report every December but we couldn't get past the security question. It asked about a mortgage loan we did not recognize so we have to print out a form and send a request by snail mail.

But when we get this rolling, we will be getting free credit reports every February, April, June, August, October, and December.

Let Me Explain

Blogger can be a piece of shit bastard son-of-a-bitch.

I made the "ka-BOOM" post and tried to publish.

"publishing ... 0%" kept flashing over and over. I was really pissed because as you can tell, it was a large post and I had not saved it in Word. I thought I was going to get blogged in the ass over it. I let it run for 10 minutes.

Finally, I switched over to Word and rewrote the post.

I then tried to publish it but the same thing happened. Fuck you, Blogger, I have it saved in Word.

I tried again later and it took. But when I checked it, guess what, it was there 3 fucking times!!!!

So I thought it was interesting (at least to me) what the differences were between the first time I wrote it and the rewrite. So I decided just to delete one of the "second" attempts and leave the original and the rewrite, just for the novelty of the same posts written independently.

But then it was still vomiting all over the place so I'm writing this and leaving all the bastards up.

And don't think I DIDN'T save THIS post in Word, just in case.

Get it together, Blogger!

ka-BOOM!!!!!

I am 37 years of age.

And I can definitely say that last night I experienced the loudest thunderclap of my entire life. Too bad it was at 0300.

I woke up just before it happened, looked at the clock, and momentarily did the math to calculate the amount of sleep I still had. Then I realized it was Friday/Saturday and I didn’t have to get up for work. With a smile, I laid my head down on my pillow thinking about the sheer joy of sleeping in…

BOOM!!!!

I almost beshat my jammies.

The first thought I had was that a plane had hit my house. Then the possibility of a bomb was close behind that one. The entire house vibrated as the thunder exploded right above my house. As it trailed off, the only other sound other than the whole friggin’ house shaking was a car alarm down the street.

I jumped out of bed and looked out my bedroom window, expecting to see a tree down or something. But all I saw was rain.

My daughter appeared at my door shaking so I held her and looked downstairs to see my boy STILL ON THE COMPUTER!!! The power had flickered and turned off the computer.

“What the hell are you doing still up? Get in bed.”

So we all did just that to include my stupid dog. Our king size bed just wasn’t hacking the load so after about 5 minutes, everyone expect the dog was calm and we sent the kids to their beds.

Actually, my 13-year-old son convinced his little sister to join him in his bed, for her peace of mind, of course. The boy is so thoughtful.

ka-BOOM!!!!!

I'm almost 37 years of age.

And I can positively say that last night, I experienced the biggest thunderclap of my entire life. It just happened to be at 0300.

I woke up right before it happened and looked at the clock, momentarily doing the math of how much more sleep I would be getting and then remembering it was Friday/Saturday and I didn't have to get up to go to work. As my head hit the pillow with a little smile at the thought of sleeping in....

BOOM!!!!!!!

I nearly beshat my jammies.

My first thought was that a plane had hit the house. Then I considered the possibility of a bomb.

The entire house shook, the power went off, and other than the entire freakin' house vibrating, the only other sound after the receeding thunder was a car alarm going off down the street.

I jumped up to look out my bedroom window, expecting to see a tree down or something. Nothing but rain. My daughter appeared at my bedroom door, shaking. I held her and then looked downstairs to see my boy STILL ON THE COMPUTER!

"What the hell are you still doing up? Get to bed!"

So we did, all of us in my king size bed, to include the shaking dog.

That lasted for about 5 minutes until everyone (except the dog) was calm and the kids went in their own room. Actually, my 13-year-old son convinced his little sister to sleep in his bed... for her own peace of mind, of course. He's such a thoughtful child.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I know I should be happy for him but I'm not.

"Sen. Judd Gregg won $853,492 from the Powerball lottery after matching five of six numbers in Wednesday's drawing, adding to his already sizable wealth."

Bastard.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

All Warm Inside

I got this email from one of my PC Classroom students.

Hi Capt. Grose!

How are you?! I am sorry that I haven't written to you in a while--I've just been swamped with work, SATs, college app's...etc! Nonetheless, I just HAD to write to you to let you know that I recently received a Conditional Letter of Appointment from the Naval Academy! So, I'm "in" as long as I get a nomination (which apparently won't be as difficult now since I have an appointment already)! I'm sure you can imagine how incredibly excited and overjoyed I am...I still cant believe its true!!!!!

Well, I hope you and your family are doing well!

Take care,
Bryana

P.S. In my USNA Application essay, I included a blurb about how you influenced and inspired me. Thank you so much...for everything.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Who Is The Biggest Loser?

Me, for watching the last half.

No News Is Good News

You know that when the leading headline to the CNN website is this:

Living in a wireless world: Too much of a good thing?

that there ain't shit goin' on.

Way Behind

Well, I have a slew of excuses but mostly, I've just been a lazy ass.

I will not attempt to catch up day to day here but I hold no such promise for my other blog. I'LL GET TO IT!!!

Currently, I'm freaking out about a marathon I have on Oct 30th.

I'm also doing an investigation at work. Fun.

Today I'm getting my motorcycle out of the shop and trying to get it legal (inspection and registration).

Gotta go.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Help The Troops

I get a lot of email asking how people can help the troops. Here is a big long list I found.

Pick one and run with it.

Project Marine Care

Project Marine Care is a labor of love with the mission of mailing packages filled with useful items to our Marines deployed in harm’s way. If you want to contribute to Project Marine Care, please make checks out to: “MCL DET 942” and send to: John Wintersteen, 436 Sycamore Circle, Danville, CA 94526. Their Federal Employer Identification Number (EIN) is 68-0379040, their California State Franchise Board Organization Number is 2254883, and their State Charitable Trust number is 120356. The Department of California, Marine Corps League, is a non-profit corporation under Section 501 (c) (4) of the Internal Revenue Code. If you would like to send boxes on your own and would like some information on how to do so, e-mail John and he'll send you a Protocol and a list of goods to send. Please put "Marine Care" or something similar on the subject line so he'll know it's not "spam."

Email John at: steenmarine@yahoo.com

AAFES Gift Certificates
http://www.aafes.com/docs/homefront.htm
The Army and Air Force Exchange Services is where most servicemen and women do their shopping. You can purchase gift certificates for those in Iraq and those hospitalized.

Adopt a Platoon
http://www.adoptaplatoon.org/
Adopt a Platoon has several ongoing projects to ensure that every soldier overseas does not walk away from mail call empty-handed.

AnySoldier
http://www.anysoldier.us/index.cfm
Any Soldier is a non-profit organization that helps people send care packages to members of the armed services in Iraq.

AOLbyPhone
aol://4344:3449.abpSPLSH.16722104.784567724/
AOL users can record up to a 3-minute voice mail and send it to military personnel who are in their Address Book. The recipient will receive the message as an e-mail attachment and can listen from their computer. This is free through January 15.

Appreciate Our Troops
http://www.appreciateourtroops.org
Purchase a Support Our Troops mug and a free personalized mug will be given to a current or former service member.

Blue Star Mothers
http://www.bluestarmothers.org
The Blue Star Mothers was founded by service members' moms during World War II. Any mother with a son or daughter in the military can join.

Books For Soldiers
http://www.booksforsoldiers.com/
Help the troops escape boredom by donating some books. You can also donate DVDs and CDs requested by soldiers.

Camp Doha
http://www.campdoha.org/
Camp Doha provides valuable information for those about to deploy, their friends and families and anyone who wants to support the troops.

Cell Phones for Soldiers
http://www.cellphonesforsoldiers.com/pages/1/index.htm
Donated cell phones are recycled and turned into cash. The cash is used to purchase calling cards for soldiers in Iraq.

Defend America
http://www.defendamerica.mil/nmam.html
Thank any service member stationed throughout the U.S. and the world with an e-mail.

Fisher House
http://www.fisherhouse.org/T
he Fisher House Foundation donates comfort homes, built on the grounds of major military and VA medical centers. These homes enable family members to be close to a loved one during hospitalization for an unexpected illness, disease, or injury.

Freedom Calls
http://www.freedomcalls.org/
The Freedom Calls Foundation is helping families videoconference with their loved ones in Iraq. You can donate money to help keep this project going.

Groceries for Families
http://www.commissaries.com/certificheck/
The men and women who lay down their lives for us are terribly underpaid. Help a family by purchasing gift certificates to the commissary.

Homes for Our Troops
http://www.homesforourtroops.org/
Homes for Our Troops assists injured veterans and their immediate families by building new or adapting existing homes with handicapped accessibility.

Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund
http://www.intrepidmuseum.org/foundation_heroesfund.html
The Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund provides grants to the families of servicemen and women who died in Iraq. You can donate online, through mail or by calling a toll-free number.

Military Moms
http://www.militarymoms.net/index.html
This site provides support to all of the moms out there who has a son or daughter in the military.
Operation: A Bit of Home
http://www.operationabitofhome.com/Operation:
A Bit of Home supports over 150 different soldiers per day by providing necessary and hard-to-get toiletries.

Operation Air Conditioner
http://www.operationac.com/
Operation Air Conditioner provides not only air conditioners but space heaters (the desert is cold in the winter) for soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Operation Call Home
http://www.platoonphone.com/
Operation Call Home's mission is to provide each platoon with their own satellite phone.

Operation Dear Abby
http://anyservicemember.navy.mil/
The U.S. Navy and Dear Abby have teamed up. Their site allows you to send e-mail messages of support to service members.

Operation Give
http://www.operationgive.org/
Operation Give provides toys, clothing and school supplies primarily to the children of Iraq and Afghanistan.

Operation Hero Miles
http://www.heromiles.org/
You can donate your unused frequent flier miles to help soldiers travel on emergency leave. They are also used to help families fly to hospitalized soldiers.

Operation Interdependence
http://www.oidelivers.org/
Operation Interdependence supplies care packages to deployed soldiers. You can help out by providing goods, coordinating efforts or donating funds.

Operation Iraqi Children
http://www.operationiraqichildren.org/
Many soldiers are rebuilding schools in Iraq and scrounging around for school supplies. Help by donating a school supplies kit.

Operation Military Pride
http://operationmilitarypride.org
Operation Military Pride is a volunteer organization that sends cards letters and care packages to troops.

Operation Uplink
http://www.operationuplink.org/
Donate money to Operation Uplink. The money is used to purchase phone cards so servicemen and women can call home.

Soldiers' Angels
http://www.soldiersangels.org/heroes/index.php
Become some soldier's angel by adopting a service member.

Treats for Troops
http://www.treatsfortroops.com/
Treats for Troops helps get you provide packages to your loved ones overseas. If you don't know anyone, the Foster-A-Soldier Program matches you with a registered soldier by branch of service, home state, gender, or birthday - or you can choose to sponsor a group of soldiers.

USO Cares
http://www.usocares.org/
You can sponsor care packages provided by the USO with a $25 donation.

Voice from Home
http://voicesfromhome.org/home.html
Voices From Home allows military members and their families and friends to send and receive immediate voice e-mail messages in remote locations around the world.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Leading Marines

This is in response from a future officer worrying about his relationship with enlisted Staff NCOs.

The relationship between Officer and Enlisted is a tricky one for sure. You nailed it on the head when you assume that the staff NCOs take care of the daily needs of the lower ranks. So where do you fit in?

OK, first, when you are new, you develop an understanding with your staff NCOs. You are new and know next to nothing. Admit that. If they are good, they will respectfully take you under their wing and show you how to be a leader. If you assume you are their master by virtue of metal on your collar, they will decimate you… respectfully and within the rules.

This is not to say that you totally roll over. They will understand that you are in charge and make the decisions but the relationship you want is this: get the advice from them, weigh the options, and make the decision. If it is a wrong one, they will respectfully point out the flaws. If you know you are right, stick to your guns and they will carry it out. If it succeeds, you don’t make mention of it and give the public credit to the them. If it fails, take the blame publicly and then go to the staff NCOs, admit your mistake, and discuss what went wrong and why.

There is not a good officer out there that didn’t have a good staff NCO show him how to do it.

Part of your job is to fight the battles upstream for them, allowing them to get done what they have to without interference from above. All the good officers fight for materials, missions, etc. so that their Marines have the best chance of success. This might mean putting your bars on the line one day and if you NEVER find yourself in that very scary situation, you will not rate the bars you never gambled on.

It happened to me when I was at 7th Marines and I had to hammer one of my Corporals against the judgment of a full-bird Navy Chaplain and a LtCol who happened to write my fitness report. It was just before I applied for NPS and knew that a bad fit rep would sink my chances of going and I’d be damned to a life of administration work for the rest of my life in the Corps.

I stood by my guns and punished the Corporal. My boss took me in his office and had a very high-volume counseling, throwing things, etc. I thought for sure my fit rep would be dismal, especially since he was a known hardass.

To my amazement, he gave me a glowing report and the rest is history.

I tell you that story because sometimes, taking care of your people involves tough love. No one likes the weak officer who goes too easy on his Marines. And it would not have been fair to my other Marines if this particular one would have gotten away with what he did. So I hammered him for his own good and the good of my men.

He recovered and served out his time in the Corps, even got offered a full ride to the Naval Academy which, to my eternal disappointment, he turned down. I tried everything I could to get him to accept but he didn’t. I fully expect an email of gratitude some day when he realizes I did what I had to do to him and that he made a big mistake by turning down that appointment.

This is a lot to take in and if one email could teach you everything there is to know about leading Marines, well, that’s just no possible.

But do these things:

Know that there will be Marines to teach you along the way, especially SNCOs. Learn from them.

Remember the Golden Rule: I am the kind of officer that I would have wanted when I was enlisted.

Read this: http://www.grose.us/books/Armed%20Forces%20Officer.pdf

-- Capt G

He's Getting Older

I found the following list on a slip of paper near my computer in my son's handwriting.

:-D - Laughing

:-x - lips are sealed

:'( - crying

:-\ - undecided

O:-) - innocent

8-) - cool

;-) - wink

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

It's Official; Mick Jagger Now Looks Exactly Like My Ball Sack

Good Lord, man.

Slighting This Greatest Generation

Cool.

The Washington Post

Slighting This Greatest Generation: We Focus on the Bad Apples and Ignore the Courageous Heroes

By Bing West

Sunday, October 9, 2005

Recently the refractory city of Fallujah reemerged as a front-page story. Fallujah first leaped to national attention last November when it became the scene of the fiercest urban combat in the past 35 years. During that battle, 100 Marine squads engaged in more than 200 firefights inside small, dark cement rooms against suicidal jihadists. A single such ferocious gunfight between police and gangs anywhere in America would receive overwhelming and immediate press attention. The Marines did that 200 times in one week in Fallujah.

Since then Fallujah has received scant press attention. I was in Fallujah in September, shortly after Pfc. Romano Romero, 19, was killed by a roadside bomb -- the 160th American to die in and around the city since the Iraq war began. The Marines staked out the area and days later shot two Iraqis brazenly placing another explosive device at the same spot. This grueling routine of counterinsurgency did not merit front-page coverage.

Yet Fallujah has suddenly popped back up as major news. Why? Because allegations have emerged that American soldiers beat prisoners there two years ago. The allegations were about beatings, not about torture or murder. At the time of the alleged incidents, in late 2003 and early 2004, violence in Fallujah was escalating. The 1st Battalion of the 505th Parachute Infantry Regiment had suffered 94 casualties inside the city -- one every other day. They warned the Marines who were rotating in that they would be bloodied, because the insurgents were massing.

The paratroopers were right. Over the next nine months, Fallujah grew into the stronghold of the insurgency and the vipers' nest for jihadists infiltrating from Syria. The fighting escalated in ferocity. Among the Marines, acts of courage became common. 1st Sgt. Brad Kasal, for instance, threw his body over a wounded Marine and shot jihadists two feet away. Cpl. Tim Connors, 20, battled inside two adjoining concrete rooms for four hours before killing five jihadists and recovering the body of a fallen squad member. So it went, day after day.

Hundreds of gripping stories of valor emerged that would have been publicized in World War II. Although there are far more heroes than louts in the ranks, stories of the abuses at Abu Ghraib and now at Fallujah vastly outnumber stories of heroism and sacrifice.

Not to take anything away from The Greatest Generation, but the behavior of our soldiers today will stand scrutiny when compared to the performance of those in any past war. The focus of the press on abuse is not due to any relaxation in military discipline or social mores. Why was valor considered front-page news in 1945 and abuse considered front-page news in 2005?

Poor conduct, like shipwrecks, makes news. On the other hand, saving a ship should also make news. For saving a Marine in what is called "the house from hell" in Fallujah, Sgt. Kasal has passed into Marine legend. Yet Fallujah Redux as a front-page story is based on allegations of bad conduct, not of heroism. If a story about louts two years ago merits the front page today, then stories of heroes merit equal attention today and tomorrow.

Many say they oppose the war but support the troops, meaning that policy can go awry but the nation needs its guardians. As a nation, we'd best be careful about what we choose to accentuate about ourselves. This is not a plea for cheerleading; it is an argument for balance.

To subdue hostile cities such as Fallujah, our country needs stout infantrymen such as the Marines and the paratroopers. Fed a steady diet of stories about bad conduct and deprived of models of valor, the youth of America will eventually decline to serve. As the poet Pindar wrote: "Unsung, the noblest deed will die."

The writer, a former Marine and former assistant secretary of defense, is the author of "No True Glory: A Firsthand Account of the Battle for Fallujah."

© 2005 The Washington Post Company

Monday, October 10, 2005

Dude, Maybe You Should Rethink Putting your Mug on Your Ad

Delco Cat Toys

One of the best Will Farrel skits on SNL. It also has Vince Vaughn.

The details of being a cat is pure comic genious.

Pimp Chat

Another Classic From My Brother

Life as a guy.

The best part is the subtle part where he comes across the fat one.

Unfiltered Violence

I found this somewhere and it's been taking up room on my desktop for a long time.



I don't know the story so I'll make one up.

Nathaniel took issue with Bartholomew over the proper number of crumpets necessary for afternoon tea. The situation escalated at the local cricket match until Nathanial felt sufficiently slighted to approach Bartholomew and challenge him to a hearty debate over the subject. The gauntlet was cast as gasps emanated from the crowd.

Then Leon jumped in and jacked Nathanial.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

I have GOT to carve this on Halloween!!!!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Wrinkly Glasses

I was just informed today that my wife gave away all of the iced tea glasses.

And didn't give me the chance to say goodbye.

>:(

We bought them when we first got married (1988) and none of them EVER broke. She claims to have hated them and since I was starting to use HER glasses, she got rid of "MY" glasses.

I'm illogically sentimental about such things but do you realize how many thousands of gallons I must have drunk out of those glasses?

I've had them longer than the kids and Stephanie started calling them the "wrinkly glasses" years ago.

Give me a moment...

Friday, October 07, 2005

My Brother's New Ride

Chris has a new toy. His dream vehicle.



Notice that the license is "SAMSRIG." He love's that dog.

I teasingly emailed him and asked why the hell he was so dressed up and why his tie was all fucked up.

The answer: he was going to his best friend's dad's funeral.

(Jason turns into jackass....)

My Brother Made Me Sad With This

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Because They Walk The Wall


When I joined the Marine Corps in 1987, there was no war going on.

Recruits today KNOW there is a fight. Marines are getting killed.

But they sign the dotted line anyway.

Not hard to tell who deserves more respect.

Dad Stays Crazy

Classic.

My dad calls my brother and leaves a voice mail to call him back. My brother then calls me to ask if Dad called me about anything so he knows what he’s getting into.

“Nope, haven’t heard from him. Maybe he wants to borrow $1000.”

So Chris calls him back and you know what was the big deal?

Dad couldn’t remember the name of the volleyball in the movie Cast Away.

Here is where genetics takes over.

First, this is something that I do all the time: get frustrated with a little piece of useless trivia until my life stops. Luckily I have Google and the rest of the internet to come to the rescue but my Luddite father has no such savior.

When Chris called him and my Dad told him what the problem was, Chris couldn’t immediately remember but in explaining the story, my Dad says, it his natural overdramatic way ala George Castanza’s father …

“… 10 SECONDS!!!! After I left you that voicemail, I remembered 10 SECONDS later that it was ‘Wilson’!!!”

And just as he said the “W” in “Wilson,” my brother remembered and simultaneously said the word aloud.

You see, it drove my dad nearly insane and then it temporarily drove my brother insane to the point that his ego couldn’t handle it if he didn’t think of it himself.

Then my dad goes on a rant….

“I had to go through the alphabet….” – this cracked me up because this is a ploy I always start with when I can’t remember something. I sound out the letters of the alphabet hoping it will trigger the forgotten nugget of knowledge.

“I couldn’t sleep half the night…” – yes, things like this bothers him to this degree.

He knew it was a name so he grabbed the local phonebook for the tiny little Kansas town he lives in. Flipping through, he found nothing and afterwards, he looked back to discover there were absolutely no “Wilsons” in the entire phonebook…. Which sent him on another rant…

“I KNOW there is a Wilson somewhere in this town. Why aren’t they listed in the phonebook?!!! Why??!!!!!”

In a final desperate attempt, he called the video store and…… it was closed.

Classic.

God, I see my future and it’s bleak.

Drinking Challenge

I don't drink all that much but this is a classic list. Now I'm not encouraging drinking by any means and this runs a little long, but read it. It's well worth your time.

A man is, ultimately, the sum of his accomplishments.

Each culture, of course, has a different idea as to what rates as an accomplishment. Muslims, for example, put a tremendous amount of stock into making a pilgrimage to Mecca, while generations of Frenchmen have taken great pride in not tripping over their discarded rifles while fleeing the Germans.

The subculture of avid drinkers, living as we do by our own set of rules and priorities, has an entirely different idea altogether, to the degree that our notion of a goal worth achieving may well appear bad behavior or even a criminal offense to the parent culture.

I think it a sad sign of the times that, in this age of entrenched nannyism and political correctness, a person is more likely to be judged by what he refrained from doing than what he actually did. It’s no longer important that you climbed the mountain, but rather how many boulders you didn't “accidentally” dislodge and let roll down on the less daring hunkered in the valley below.

Fortunately, imbibers have historically been immune to popular opinion, so hence this list. If you manage all forty before you take a barstool at St. Gabriel’s Pearly Gate Lounge, you may feel secure in the fact that you’ve lived a rich and full life, even if only the boys and girls down at happy hour think so. And when you do belly up to that big open bar in the sky and the bartender asks: “What sort of life did you lead?” you can look him right in the eye and say, “Gabe, baby, I’m glad this is eternity, because I’ve got a helluva lot of stories to tell.”

1.) Open and close a bar.
Find one that opens its doors before noon. Stake out a comfortable seat and hunker down. Resist informing the bartender of your tremendous plan, as this will cause him to pour waves of pre-celebratory shots and you won’t survive happy hour. Pacing is everything. Watch the crowds come and go, watch bartenders rise, reign and fade while you remain like a cagey Methuselah. From that day forward, within the walls of that bar at least, your name will be legend.

2.) Go on a bender.
I don’t mean a weekend binge. I’m talking a full-bore, hooch-bent, screw-work hoolihan. Dangerous, yes, but so is getting out of bed in the morning. True benders have gone the way of the snap brim fedora, which makes them all the greater currency in the world of drunks. It won’t be easy. You must start drinking the moment you wake up and carry on until you go under. Then start over again. In your grandfather’s day you had to drink two weeks straight before you could officially declare yourself on a proper jag, but that’s when a mug of beer cost a nickel. These days four straight days and nights will give you all the bragging rights you need.

3.) Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day.
For some this is a typical evening, the rest will have to try harder. Unplug the phone, don’t answer the door and get down with your bad self. Stock up on ice, gather mixers if you need them, crack the seal and, inch by inch, take that proud bottle down. Take your own sweet time. Near the bottom you will discover a rich inner landscape you thought a barren desert. Explore it.

4.) Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd.
Cast aside your fear of public opinion, march to the center of the room’s attention and boogie down. You don’t need a partner, you don’t even need music, do a happy jig to the beat of your own drum. Of course, it helps to be really really drunk.

5.) Spend a night in the drunk tank.
While getting captured by the Man goes against the most primal of drunkard instincts, if you’re putting your time and liquor in, it’s going to happen. Make the most of the experience. Pretend you’re Cool Hand Luke. And don’t refrain from telling your friends: Among drunks, the real ones anyway, a night in the tank is a very large feather in the drinking cap.

6.) Get drunk on the grave of your hero.
Wait until the cemetery closes for the night, then slip over the fence with a bottle of something strong. Prop your back against the gravestone and tell your hero how much he inspired you, how he changed your life, revel in the fact that your inspiration is only six feet of hard-packed earth away. It’ll be the greatest one-sided conversation you’ll ever have. Then pass out. Let the groundskeeper be your alarm clock.

7.) Buy a crowded bar a round.
For no reason at all. Jump up on a barstool and shout it loud: “A round for the house! On me!” Make sure you have a good toast ready, because, for once, they’ll all be listening.

8.) Embark on an impromptu road trip.
Out of the blue, propose a trip to Las Vegas, New Orleans, Jack Kerouac’s grave or, for the love of God, the Two-Headed Cattle Museum. It doesn’t really matter where, the joy is in the journey. There’s nothing like a sudden burst of irresponsible freedom to shake up your worldview. It will be an adventure you’ll never forget or get tired of talking about.

9.) Get 86’d from a bar.
There are generally two types of drunkards in the world: Those that get 86’d a lot and those who never do. If you’re the latter, you’re missing out on a very special feeling. A man with any character at all must have enemies and places he is not welcome—in the end we are not only defined by our friends, but also those aligned against us. So choose the type of bar you loathe. Get remorselessly smashed on tequila. Let your lizard brain do your talking. Splash the kerosene, drop the match and watch the bridge burn. Few sentences in the English language bespeak a mysterious dark side than: “I’m not allowed in there. And, quite frankly, I don’t blame them.”

10.) Extravagantly overtip a bartender.
The next time a bartender is especially kind or proficient, lay a massive tip on her. I mean, massive. You must be relatively sober or they’ll discount the act as drunken foolishness. Say something smooth like, “You’re the best of your kind,” drop the bomb, and—this is important—walk out of the bar without another word. With this single act of unexpected generosity, you will restore a bartender’s faith in humanity and give your own self-image a healthy boost.

11.) Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink.
You always wanted to do it. You’ve enviously watched your smooth friends do it. Now it’s your turn. The fear is nowhere proportionate to the risk to your ego (she’s out of your league, remember?), yet it still requires a certain amount of courage. It’s akin to sticking your hand down into the garbage disposal. The thing isn’t going to turn on by itself, but still...

12.) Conspire an afterhours at your favorite bar.
I’m not talking about them letting you have a quick one in the back while they’re cleaning up. I’m talking about drinking until the sun creeps through the shut blinds. It takes a lot of time and tips to earn the privilege, but there’s nothing quite like it.

13.) Make your best friend a perfect martini.
I mean perfect. Employ the proper utensils and the highest-end liquor you can afford. Follow an old-school recipe and take your time. You know how a handmade present from a child always warms the heart of a parent more than the most expensive gift? Same deal. Just a little something for all the times your pal bailed you out. And after your friend has enjoyed your sublime creation, make yourself one, you magnificent bastard.

14.) Buy, build or steal a home bar.
Put the well right in your home. Outfit it with many sparkling bottles, accruement and tools. Sit on your barstool with a grossly over-poured cocktail and think: “This is my bar. No one can cut me off, no one can kick me out, none but the floor can announce last call.” You’ve been a sharecropper long enough. Get your own plot of land.

15.) Get carried home by your drinking buddies.
In the company of friends you can trust, get fantastically loaded to the point you cannot stand, nevermind walk. Let them brace you from both sides and carry you homeward. Sing like an Irish uncle. Swear love and fealty to your human crutches. These are the bonds that never break.

16.) Get drunk with your father.
Getting loaded with the man who brought you into this world is one of the most deeply mystical experiences a human being can manage. If you can’t get your father to commit, find an elder you respect.

17.) Fight a good fight.
Samuel Johnson said “Every man thinks meanly of himself for not having been a soldier, or not having been at sea.” Men who go to their graves without ever getting into a fistfight undoubtedly feel the same way. How many times have you gone home thinking, “Damn, I should have clocked that asshole.” Next time, do it. Swing first, swing hard, and make sure you’re in the right. You may not win, but at least you were in there swinging. Fear of losing a fight never stopped Bukowski and neither should it stop you.

18.) Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor.
Make a pilgrimage to the headwaters. Follow the river that’s fed you joy to its source. Stand amongst the vats and barrels and absorb the knowledge that this is the spring from which the good times flow. Drink as many free samples as they’ll give you. It might mean a trip to Dublin or Tennessee, but from that moment on you can gaze into your glass and think, “Lad, I met your mother.”

19.) Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle.
You’ve spent plenty of time railing against the dying of the light, this time welcome its birth. With a shot.

20.) Sit in on an A.A. meeting.
Not all accomplishments are rum and games. File this under the heading of facing your fears. Just as Jonah found enlightenment in the belly of a beast, so will you. You may come to look at it as a sober examination of the safety net (or trampoline, as the case may be). You may view it as a cautionary trip to hell. Either way, you’ll never have to wonder again.

21.) Hit a dozen bars in one night.
Make like Marco Polo. Instead of eating one lousy apple, take a bite out of a dozen exotic fruits. Chase the ever elusive good time. A rolling stone gathers no bar tabs.

22.) Try at least one hundred different drinks.
Too often we drunks get trapped in a rut, forgetting there is a wide and golden world of forgotten cocktails, strangely-hued beers, mysterious liquors and wines from places we cannot pronounce. Explore the world from your barstool. One need only thumb through a bartender’s guide to realize how wide that world is. And when you return to your rut, and you probably will, you’ll appreciate just how good home can be after months on the road.

23.) Get loaded in the land of your forefathers.
An effortless task for Europeans, a broad leap of faith for we colonials. Return to the land from whence your blood sprang, sit down to drinks with those your bold forefathers left behind. And for godsakes, don’t order a Bud.

24.) Juice on the job.
You will never comprehend just how pleasurable the workaday grind can be until you bring your old chum alcohol along. You don’t have to get boss-punching drunk, just sneak enough to loosen up that tight harness. It’ll make you wish you worked for a drinking magazine.

25.) Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love.
Do it up like F. Scott and Zelda before they went crazy. Realize that this is one of the precious few times you can get swizzled in front of your better half and she’ll think it’s wonderfully romantic.

26.) Give a hobo twenty bucks.
Make him promise he’s going to spend it on hooch. It won’t be a hard sell. Twenty bucks is the price of a crappy shirt to you, to our alley brethren it’s a gift from the gods.

27.) Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel.
It could go down at the company picnic, the Christmas party, or maybe, if you’re really going after Accomplishment #24, right at the office. It’s tremendously cathartic. Years of stress and bitterness will drop from your shoulders and for the first time, after you’re done unloading, you will see your employer as an actual human being. You may very well get fired, but hey, if you’re angry enough to go berserk on your boss, you need to get a new job anyway.

28.) Send a friend a bottle of good liquor.
Apropos of nothing and don’t tell him it’s coming. Attach a card reading: “Tonight the drinks are on me.” He will never forget it. There is no better feeling than unexpected free booze.

29.) Eat a pickled egg from the big jar.
A bar must own a certain amount of character to carry the big jar. Maybe you’ve seen one. A jar large enough to hold Jay Leno’s head, populated with slightly off-color eggs floating in a murky fluid. You always wondered what they tasted like and it’s time to find out.

30.) Go on a fishing trip with your pals.
Ensure you bring enough beer and liquor to paralyze the nation of Liechtenstein. Fishing tackle is optional. Drink near a body of water (you don’t actually have to come in contact or even see the water, but it should be nearby), then, when night falls, build a huge campfire. There is nothing more conducive to male bonding and rampant drinking than a campfire. Trust me, strip clubs come in a distant second.

31.) Eat the worm.
It’s a cliche, but so are strippers at a bachelor party. It must be done. The last thing you want to do is mutter a half-hearted lie to your grand kids when they squeal, “Gramps, did you eat the worm?”

32.) Learn at least one traditional drinking song.
Ethnically fractured and mixed as we are, we colonials have lost the art of the booze ballad. Watch a European football match on television and first thing you notice is the fans know one hell of a lot of songs. All we Yanks can manage is the “Na-na-na” song and chants of “De-fense!” Sure, we all know the words of Ring of Fire by rote, but what of The Pub with No Beer, My Lip Is on the Cup, and Drunk Last Night, Drunk the Night Before? Also, there’s nothing like a table of drunks bellowing an unidentifiable song in unison to scare the bejesus out of the bar staff.

33.) Steal some booze.
Against the law? Sure. A hell of a rush? Absolutely. Of course, not getting caught is very important. Plan well. Nothing tastes quite so sweet.

34.) Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor.
So much money for so little booze. We’ve spent our lives learning the art of getting the most stagger out of the smallest investment. We’ve heard rumors of those insanely expensive bottles, but they might as well sell them on Mars. Out of spite, you’ve probably told yourself: “Screw that—booze is booze. What’s it gonna do, get me five times drunker?” In a better world, maybe. Depending upon the sensitivity of your palette, however, you may come to understand that the rich really do have it better than us. And when I say better, I mean they can afford better booze.

35.) Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story.
You don’t have to finish it. Very few do. The point is, the very act of starting an autobiography means you think you’ve lived an exciting enough life to deserve one. Strive for that day.

36.) Try absinthe.
Do the full ritual with the spoon and sugar. Drink enough to feel the full effect. Stroll the path that Hemingway, Van Gogh, Degas, F. Scott, and myriad other geniuses spent their lives pounding flat. Just don’t cut your ear off.

37.) Watch the movie Barfly with five of your closest friends.
Without a doubt the finest drinking movie ever put to celluloid. Make sure there’s plenty of booze on hand because you’ll want to drink along.

38.) Work at least a week as a bartender.
You’ll never fully understand the drinking culture as a whole until you’ve spent some time on the supply side of the wood. The empathy it will lever into your psyche will change your bar behavior forever.

39.) Make your own beer, wine or moonshine.
There are fewer finer feelings in the world than to nurture booze from it’s humble, evil-tasting origins to something you can get hammered on. Just expect to repeat these words over and over again when you go mad on the blood of your creation: “I made this! Me! And now I’m drinking it! Woo-hoo!”

40.) Go to your place of worship loaded.
Not so loaded they’ll finger you as a walking incarnation of Demon Rum, just enough to make the droning sermons lip-bitingly hilarious. It’s often said that liquor can bring you closer to God, so just think how close you’ll be when you’re hammered in his house.

(Unashamedly copied from Modern Drunkard Magazine)

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Oh The Sadness

My cousin sent me this link because she knows my constant troubles with flying. She figured it wouldn't do anything for my turbulance terror but who I sit by.

Its called (cue the sadness meter cuz it's gonna peg...) "AirTroductions"

This is possibly the saddest concept geared toward the desperate that I've ever seen. The concept can only be explained in their own pitiful words:

Hi there. I'm Peter, and I am the AirTroductor.



That's me, the one who's not Miss Texas 2002. Since sitting next to her on a trip from Houston to New York, I've taken over 300 airplane trips, and have yet to sit next to someone that beautiful.

But – I have sat next to other CEO's, marketing directors, movie stars, clothing impresarios, and tons of other people. A lot of them were nothing more than a few “hey, how's it going” words, but others have led to clients, lots of business, and even a date or two!
That's why I started AirTroductions. We all fly so much, I figure there's got to be a better way to use all that time in the air.

So whether you're looking for a date in Los Angeles, a business networking partner in Tokyo, or just someone to share a cab from Kennedy to Midtown, look no further. You've found AirTroductions. If you've got any ideas on how to make AirTroductions even better, then we want to hear from you!

Can you possibly imagine the guys (yes, I would wager 95% of members are guys trying to find a hot seat buddy) that sign up for this?

Desperation has a new name.

Monday, October 03, 2005

What Did Staind say?

It's been awhile....

Apparently, I'm in danger of being evicted from the WWW by Killjoy since I've been too busy to post. So as to appease her and the rest of you sad, sad people who have nothing better to do than to read my drivel, here is one of the best jokes ever:

A guy walks into a cafe, sits at the counter, and orders a bowl of chili. The guy behind the counter says "Sorry, Mac, we're out. The guy next to you ordered the last bowl."

Just then, the man next to him says "Aw, go ahead and have it. I ain't gonna eat it anyway."

Since he was starving, he took the guy up on his offer, slides the bowl in front of him, and unashamedly starts scooping chili into his mouth quickly and loudly. By the time he gets about 3/4 of the way done, he sees a dead rat carcass at the bottom of the bowl.

Understandably, he loudly vomits right back into the bowl.

The guy next to him turns to him and says...

"Yeah, that's just about as far as I got too."

And.......scene.