OK, So Here's The Deal...

Atta GIRL!

2008-06-25T04:43:00.001-07:00

Life In My House

2008-06-07T07:09:00.001-07:00

I love this.

Trainwreck

2008-05-21T20:41:00.001-07:00

I can't stop watching this. It's just so disturbing.

Like a direct view of my worst nightmare.

You Think You've Seen This But Watch Again

2008-05-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

Back When I Was Young in 1998....

2008-05-11T18:12:00.003-07:00

He memed me.

Ben, that is.

Here are the rules:

A) The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
B) Each player answers the questions about himself or herself.
C) At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. Ten years ago I was:

- Only writing two blog entries

- Going through The Basic School without my family
- Going through Adjutant School without my family
- missing my 3 and 5 year old children
- not even contemplating running marathons
- only half way through a career as a Marine
- the same weight as today

2. Five things on today's to do list:

- go to church
- take mom and wife to lunch for Mother’s Day
- take a nap
- get ready for the week ahead
- (bonus) go to Borders and browse

3. Things I'd do if I were a billionaire:

Easy.

This.

4. Three bad habits:

- starting projects I don’t finis...
- spend hours on the computer blogging and surfing
- wake up late and have to rush
- (bonus) late night snacks

5. Five places I've lived:

- Oklahoma
- Seattle
- Tennessee
- South Carolina
- Arizona
- Saudi Arabia
- Virginia
- California
- More but I've already broken the rules enough ....

6. Six jobs I've had in my life:

- Marine
- Security guard for University of Washington’s Pavilion and Husky Stadium
- Busboy at Black Angus
- Paper route (Seattle Times)

Sorry, not tossing this along. Only back to Ben.

True Sportsmanship

2008-05-11T17:33:00.001-07:00

Makes me proud to be from Washington.

Then and Now

2008-04-20T19:55:00.003-07:00

I thought this was brilliant.

I love to see old and new pictures and I actually have pics like this I did with my pictures:

Still Laughing After 100th Viewing

2008-04-05T17:15:00.000-07:00

Lion Love

2008-03-30T10:48:00.003-07:00

I thought this was really cool...

The first attachment is a still photo. The second attachment is a video. There's no sound, but look at the picture first and then watch the video. These 2 guys reared this lion from a baby in England but the authorities would not allow them to keep it once it reached maturity so they were forced to give it up, they took it back to Africa and placed it in a wildlife sanctuary, a year later they went to see it and were told it would not remember them.

Could Not Stop Laughing

2008-02-24T10:05:00.001-08:00

One Wish

2008-02-16T07:15:00.001-08:00

A Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and a Texan are all working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall around the land."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

More Drama

2008-02-08T17:37:00.001-08:00

First there was this:

And now there's this:

Damn Unfortunate

2008-01-28T19:51:00.001-08:00

Favorite Commercials As Of Late

2008-01-18T20:13:00.001-08:00

This T-Mobile one makes me laugh like the kids at the table...

The best part of this one is the laugh/grunt of the passenger at the end...

This one keeps putting something in my eye... (and it has NOTHING to do with the little bob-top girl!)

Then, of course...

Dorky Shark: Insanely funny

2008-01-13T09:03:00.000-08:00

Quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen.

What is almost as funny is the comments on YouTube. Here is a sample:

lol why the hell is this so funny? i never laugh at anything on tv, then this trailer shows up and i cant stop laughing. and of course i had to find this as soon as the commercial was over. hahaha
hahahahhaha seriously, best trailer for a movie ever. that alone made me laugh so hard.
lmfao at first i felt like such a retard cuz i saw the trailer and HAAD to favorite it..but now i see im not alone!
i wish everyone could hear the way i just laughed. it sounded like a donkey having a heart attack.
I'm so glad I'm not the only person who had to f'king find this immediately after seeing the trailer. I laughed/am laughing so hard I think I might puke.
Glad to see it's not just me. This damn trailer almost sent me to the hospital
This f'ing commercial gets me every single time. I can't stop laughing when I see it.
i just fell out of seat...this is the funniest thing ive ever seen...and i am no doubt seeing this movie...just to piss myself in the theatre when this part comes on.
lol ive watched tihs like 50 times and it never gets old
One of the funniest things I've ever seen. I gotta stop watching it or it will kill me.
Why the hell did I laugh? :s
4 guys, lot's of bong hits, 15 minute laughing steak :)
I passed out from laughter quite painful lol.
me andd mi friend are here on the floor in tears were laughing so hard
It's the best the 4th time they show it and the guy's laughter goes up an octave
i want to die from laughing
RHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! this is the funniest think ive ever seen!! im at work watching this and everyone thinks im some psycho from laughing about it so much :P
That is the funniest shark scene I had ever seen. I nearly wet myself laughing.
Problem is my friend laughs like that.... "Doahhhh Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho, DOAHHHH!"
the rest of the trailer (and probably the entire movie) serves only to detract from this piece of true brilliance
THats record breaking funny!

Somewhat Disturbing but Enthralling

2008-01-06T08:35:00.001-08:00

Carry On My Wayward Daughter

2007-12-31T08:16:00.000-08:00

Holy Mackinolies, this was just unearthly.

My favorite YouTube commnet:

"Dude, that was the sickest shit EVER!!!! Dude, the whole entire crowd should be shot in the kneecaps with a sniper rifle for that bullshit excuse for an applause. On a scale from 1-10, that would be a bajillion."

I agree, the applause t the end was disproportional to the performance. WTF?

Life at TBS

2007-12-30T16:36:00.000-08:00

Hilarious.

They disabled embedding so you will just have to go the link

Pet Rules

2007-12-09T09:24:00.000-08:00

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3. Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Guess who this is.

2007-11-24T17:35:00.000-08:00

I was shocked.

Comment your guess and the first one to guess....is the first one to guess.

Happy Birthday Marines!

2007-11-12T17:36:00.000-08:00

On Nov. 10, the Marine Corps turns 232 years old. Ever since it was formed in a Philadelphia bar in 1775, the Corps has given Marines countless reasons to take pride in the heritage of their organization.

There is no shortage of instances in which Marine units and individuals have distinguished themselves in battle, but the bragging rights earned over the past 232 years weren't all born on the battlefield.

The Corps' culture sets it apart from other branches of the military in ways that those who have never earned the eagle, globe and anchor find difficult to fully understand. But what is obvious to even the most casual observer is that Marines distinguish themselves through their unique appearance, spirit and accomplishments.

To know the Corps is to love the Corps, which is why Marine Corps Times compiled the following list of 232 reasons to stand proudly at this year's birthday ball.

1. Cpl. Jason Dunham. First Marine to receive the Medal of Honor since Vietnam. If jumping on a grenade to save a buddy isn't worth the top of the list, nothing is.

2. Civilians have to find time to go to the gym. Marines get paid to go.

3. The National Museum of the Marine Corps. It's like a Smithsonian of leatherneck.

4. There's no such thing as an "ex" Marine.

5. Re-enlistment rates are higher IN the war zone.

6. Stink-proof socks. Well, almost. Systems Command is working on them.

7. Jalapeño cheese.

8. "Every Marine Into the Fight."

9. Lump-sum re-enlistment bonuses up to $80,000. Many of you would consider doing it for free.

10. New uniforms #1. Pixel-pattern cammies? Yeah, the Corps came up with that.

11. "Doc."

12. Flexed arm hang is harder than it looks. We tried it.

13. Barracks parties on non-payday weekends.

14. Marine Gunners.

15. The Wounded Warrior Regiment.

16. MarAdmin 266/07: Letting 18-year-old Marines drink on base at this year's birthday ball.

17. No receipt necessary for travel claim expenses less than $75.

18. The lance corporal underground.

19. Fallujah II.

21. Archibald Henderson's couch, re-upholstered, is still in the commandant's living room.

22. "No better friend, no worse enemy."

23. Typhoons approaching Okinawa often spark islandwide beer runs.

24. Waivers.

25. Gen. James Jones, who followed his tour as commandant with appointment as "supreme intergalactic overlord" (OK, it was Supreme Allied Commander, Europe, but close).

26. 10 rounds from the 500-yard line.

27. Per diem.

28. To civilians, every Marine is recon.

29. Recruiting in Texas is like hunting at the zoo.

30. The "boat cloak." Because every super hero needs a cape.

31. You can re-enlist in the IRR.

32. The wallet in your sock.

33. Motivating television commercials.

34. The "horse shoe" haircut, gone but not forgotten.

35. The global address list. Find your buddies and send them links to Marine Corps Times.

36. Running cadences that mention napalm. And Eskimos.

37. Stories that begin with, "So there I was ..."

38. Modified parade rest.

39. The transformation. Who you are when you join is not nearly as important as who you become.

40. Lt. Gen. Jim Mattis getting a fourth star.

41. If you've been on liberty in Twentynine Palms, you've been on liberty in Yuma and Barstow, too.

42. Grooming standards. Not only can you not act like a thug, you cannot look like a thug.

43. It's not the Army.

44. Women in Manhattan have all seen the Fleet Week episode of "Sex and the City."

45. Combat shotguns.

46. Combat Action Ribbons. IEDs count now, and should have counted all along. Duh.

47. The occasional free beer. Wear your blues into a bar and see what happens.

48. After decades of debate, there remains no resolution on whether sand fleas trump "The Reaper."

49. The Corps' doesn't call its officers, commissioned or not, "petty."

50. Cpl. Gareth Hawkins, lying on a stretcher after an IED shattered his leg, demanded re-enlistment before medical evacuation. And got it.

51. Whereas Army, Navy and Air Force jokes are funny, Marine jokes are potentially dangerous.

52. The occasional friendly debate. Refer to a Marine staff noncommissioned officer simply as "sergeant," and see what happens.

53. That troublesome "10 percent," making good Marines look great since 1775.

54. Everyone at a high school reunion is obliged to justify his last 10 years, except the guy wearing alphas.

55. As if ranks that include the words "master" and "gunnery" aren't intimidating enough on their own, the Corps uses them both. At once.

56. Soldiers have Hooah Bars. Marines have Ka-Bars. The second will generally get you the first.

57. The dress code. You can wear your cammies to meet the commandant or repair a tank.

58. From "Aliens" to "Doom," the future vision of warfare almost always includes Space Marines.

59. The Corps was formed in a bar.

60. Marines predicted the WWII campaigns in the Pacific years earlier and prepared for the inevitable. So when a Marine says, "Hey, I've been thinking ." perhaps you should take notes.

61. Give a Marine some free time, and he'll rip down your dictator's statue.

62. If it ain't raining, we ain't training.

64. Duty station garden spots: Jacksonville, N.C.; Yuma, Ariz.; Bridgeport, Calif.; Twentynine Palms, Calif. (Yes, we're kidding.)

65. Making morning PT on time.

66. Recruiters who promise everything EXCEPT a rose garden.

67. Mustangs #1. It's easier to take crap from a CO who went to boot camp.

69. Gen. Peter Pace, the first Marine chairman of the Joint Chiefs. He left his four-star insignia with his fallen comrades at the Vietnam Wall when he retired. Nice move.

70. The people zapper. Using microwave energy to disperse a crowd sounds like fun. Semper fry, gunny.

71. Nothing says "Good morning" like a mouthful of Copenhagen and freeze-dried coffee.

72. Nothing says "I love you" like a welcome home sheet hanging on a chain-link fence.

73. Bill Barnes. In June, the former Marine beat the crap out of a 27-year-old pickpocket who tried to make off with his dough. Oh yeah, he's 72.

74. Leftwich Trophy. Heisman winners only think they know about leaving it all on the field.

75. EOD. If you don't know why this is on the list, defuse the next IED yourself.

76. Tax-free combat pay. Doing what you signed up for and not having to give Uncle Sam a dime back.

77. Montford Point Marines. The first African-American Marines know a little something about honor, courage and commitment.

78. Front toward enemy. It's not just a visual reference on a Claymore mine, it's a Marine Corps way of life.

79. Mustangs #2. You know at least three Marines who drive them. It's like a Ford dealership exploded on base.

80. Fred Smith, founder of FedEx. Only a former Marine could truly appreciate the value of getting your mail on time.

81. CMC: The tallest member of the Joints Chiefs. OK, so we haven't actually measured, but he looks the tallest anyway.

82. No more spit shining boots.

83. Chuck Norris was in the Air Force. Steve McQueen was a Marine.

84. The Crucible.

85. 1/9, 2/9 and 3/9. Welcome back, fellas.

86. The FROG uniform. You are now sweat-wickin' AND flame-lickin'.

88. The M4. More rifles in the fight is generally a win-win.

89. MRAPs. Trucks straight out of Mad Max. We still love a good Humvee, but we loved jeeps, too. Things change.

90. Arty guys who do civil affairs. They blow it up, then they fix it.
Circle of life.

91. Service Charlies. They look so good, the Navy's copying 'em.

92. Fake Marines. No one eats 'em up faster than real Marines.

93. John Lovell. A 71-year-old former Marine is sitting in a Subway restaurant when two armed men try to rob the place. Lovell grabs his .45, kills one and wounds the other. No word on how Lovell's sandwich fared.

94. 3rd Battalion, 5th Marines. Six Navy Crosses so far. Six.

95. Staff Sgt. Lawrence Dean II, aka the "BadAss Marine." He recites a poem.
He gets uploaded to YouTube. Thousands get motivated.

96. Gen. James Conway takes over as the new commandant. Among his demands: a new PT uniform, new tattoo regs, a plan to add dress blues to the seabag, a change-up in medals and 22,000 more Marines. Someone's been thinking about taking over for a while, huh?

97. Body-fat standards. Everyone hates them, until they see a fat Marine.

98. "Jarhead." Only a former Marine could write a war story about not fighting anyone and make it last for 200 pages, then get Jamie Foxx to star in the movie.

99. The Stumps. The Rock. The Sandbox. Oh, the places you'll serve.

101. Tattoos #2. Getting a fallen friend's name tattooed on your other forearm, and knowing the same.

102. The new PT running suit. Sure, the Army had them first, but the Army gets most things first.

103. Marine expeditionary units: The cheapest cruise you'll ever take.

104. Camp Lejeune: The closest interstate and the nearest good shopping mall are both at least an hour away.

105. Camp Pendleton: There are roads and malls, but try affording a house near the main gate.

106. Tattoos #3. Meat tags. Getting your blood type and other info inked on your ribcage isn't necessarily a bad idea.

107. The Marine Corps is getting bigger. The Navy is getting smaller.

109. 30 days' paid vacation, plus federal holidays off, is obscene by civilian standards.

110. Maj. Gen. Marion E. Carl, the Corps' first fighter ace. First Marine to fly a helicopter. Two Navy Crosses, five Distinguished Flying Crosses, 14 air medals. In 1998, the 82-year-old was killed during a home break-in when he jumped in front of a shotgun blast aimed at his longtime wife, Edna.

111. Tattoos #4. Reaction to the new policy: Conway says sleeves are going away, Marines run for the chair. Tattoo parlors never saw so much business.

113. Guaranteed pay raises.

114. Marine Security Guard #1. Duty in the Bahamas.

115. Having a WWII Marine say he's proud of you

116. Drew Carey used to be in the Marine Corps Reserve. Now, he's the host of "The Price is Right."

117. Combatant diver pins. No more of that Navy crap.

118. A Red Stripe is a beer, mon. A Blood Stripe is a symbol of pride.

119. NMCI, if only they would remove the "MC."

120. You watched "300," and it reminded you of your unit.

121. The "Det One" .45 pistol. Designed by Marines, for Marines.

122. Combat marksmanship. You are creeping death. And you get graded on it.

123. Never lost six nukes on a plane.

124. CamelBaks. Water tastes like water again.

125. Give a Marine enough free time, and he'll marry your Bahraini princess.

126. Go to YouTube. Type in "bored Marines." Enjoy.

127. When the president gets on a helicopter, it's not called "Army One."

128. The opposite of the Peace Corps.

129. Camouflage. You can camouflage anything and make it cool.

130. No Fear #1. Marines aren't scared of anything. Except apricots. And Charms.

131. Combat optics on M16s. Leave the iron sights, just in case.

132. "Combat loss" amnesty for missing gear. It's like pleading the fifth.

133. Riding a chartered Continental Airlines flight home from the war zone with assault weapons stuffed in all the overhead compartments.

134. In combat, the division band becomes a heavy-machine-gun platoon.

135. What do headaches, broken bones, infectious diseases, missing limbs and hurt feelings all have in common? Motrin. Thanks, Doc.

137. Global instability equals job security.

138. When NMCI goes down, and it will, it's like having the day off.

139. The honor, privilege and responsibility of leading, mentoring and caring for junior Marines.

140. Gunnery sergeants. Don't know the answer? Ask the gunny. Need something? Ask the gunny. In trouble? Avoid the gunny.

141. Because gunny said so.

142. The line to get "tazed" at a military gear expo. Marines will do anything for a free T-shirt.

143. Deployment reunions. Like reliving your wedding night. Sweet!

144. Gig lines. Even in khakis and a polo shirt.

145. Eight-point covers. Even the uniform stands at attention.

146. Marine Security Guards #2. They're not cute and cuddly, but when they greet you at the door, it's like getting a great big hug from the United States of America, no matter where you are.

147. The Mameluke sword. Distinctive.

148. The NCO sword. Earned, never given.

149. The World Famous Mud Run. Thousands of people pay good money to run through 10 clicks of muck every year at Camp Pendleton.

150. John Philip Sousa. A Marine, the nation's March King and composer of "The Stars and Stripes Forever." Ooh-rah.

151. MRE crackers. Hard as Milk Bones but much tastier. You can almost feel your teeth getting cleaner as you eat 'em.

152. Jane Wayne Day. She'll never ask about work again.

153. Shirt stays. Or garters. Whatever you call them, they're a triple whammy, keeping your shirt tucked, your socks up and removing all that unwanted leg hair.

154. The slogans: "The Few, The Proud, The Marines." "We're Looking For a Few Good Men," "Once a Marine, always a Marine," "Tell that to the Marines."
If they could only purchase the rights to Hallmark's "When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best."

155. Speaking of slogans, "The Few, The Proud, The Marines" beat out such notables as Nike's "Just Do It" and Burger King's "Have It Your Way" for a
2007 spot on the advertising Walk of Fame. Better luck next year, losers.

157. Real duty station garden spots you can go an entire career without being assigned to: Southern California; Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii; Okinawa, Japan.

158. Rear-party Marines. God bless them. Whatever reason they stay behind - injury, impending retirement or being volun-told - they are indispensable.
They deserve medals for what they have to deal with while a unit is deployed.

159. While field-grade officers are at the company office, company-grade officers are in the field.

160. Colonels who can take a joke.

161. Free flu shots. And smallpox shots and anthrax shots .

162. Former Sgt. Chris Everhart. While camping with his three sons in June 2007, a bear snatched their cooler and made a play for his 6-year-old.
Everhart threw an 18-inch log at the bear's head, cracking its skull before it could attack and killing it instantly. Then, the park ranger gave him a ticket for leaving the cooler where the bear could get it.

163. Standards. The Corps doesn't lower the bar when recruiting gets tough.

164. Jim Nabors. "Gomer Pyle" becomes an honorary Marine in 2001 and makes lance corporal. It takes him six years to pin on corporal. Talk about art imitating life.

165. Vincent D'Onofrio. The other "Private Pyle" is doing pretty well on "Law and Order: Criminal Intent." He's still weird, though.

166. If you ambush Capt. Brian Chontosh's boys, he's going to take off his Navy Cross and kill you. Then, he's going to pick up your rifle and kill your buddies. Then, he's going to pick up your buddy's rifle and kill your buddy's buddies. Then, he's going to pick up a rocket-propelled grenade launcher .

167. Speaking of the Navy Cross, a combat award second only to the Medal of Honor, Marines have earned 15 so far in Iraq, plus one in Afghanistan. Of the six awarded to sailors for those combat zones, five went to SEALs, and one went to a corpsman who exposed himself repeatedly to enemy fire to evacuate and treat wounded Marines. Along with Chontosh, the other recipients include:

168. Gunnery Sgt. Justin D. Lehew.

169. Lance Cpl. Joseph B. Perez.

170. Sgt. Scott C. Montoya.

171. Cpl. Marco A. Martinez.

172. Sgt. Willie L. Copeland.

173. Capt. Brent Morel (posthumous).

174. Sgt. Anthony L. Viggiani.

175. 1st Sgt. Bradley A. Kasal.

176. Cpl. Robert J. Mitchell.

177. Cpl. Dominic Esquibel.

178. Sgt. Jarrett A. Kraft.

179. Cpl. Jeremiah W. Workman.

180. Cpl. Todd Corbin.

181. Sgt. Aubrey L. McDade Jr.

182. Pfc. Christopher Adlesperger (posthumous).

183. Hospital Corpsman 3rd Class Louis E. Fonseca.

184. Iwo JIMA. Japan might have changed the name to Iwo To, but that doesn't mean you have to acknowledge it.

185. Col. John Ripley. Received the Navy Cross for the destruction of the Dong Ha bridge in Vietnam. The Corps takes care of its own. In 2002, with Ripley near death, doctors finally found a donated liver for his much-needed transplant. So the Marine Corps sent helicopters and Marines to Philadelphia to retrieve it, and they personally rushed it back to Washington in time to save his life.

186. Marine Corps Times isn't a version of Navy Times anymore. How many careers get their own newspaper?

188. Gatorade bottles wrapped in green, 100 mph tape so as not to offend the sailors in the room.

189. Camaraderie. Marines will hook you up with their sisters, then punch you in the mouth for doing what they knew would happen the whole time.

190. Ingenuity. MRE bombs, 101 uses for cleaning rods and iPods wired into field radio speakers.

191. Getting off the ship.

192. Getting back on the ship.

193. No beach? No problem. Marines inserted 400 miles into landlocked Afghanistan and created Camp Rhino using CH-53 Sea Stallions. Imagine what you can invade with the Osprey.

194. Cases and cases of bottled water mean never having to stand behind a water bull.

195. Race as a nonissue. It wasn't always the case, but three black sergeants major of the Marine Corps in a row show that the Corps has only one color: green.

196. Every day in the Corps is another reason to celebrate. That's why they call them working "parties."

197. Riddick Bowe had what it took to be boxing's undisputed heavyweight champ. He did not have what it took to be a Marine.

198. The U.S. Army Band is called "Pershing's Own." The U.S. Marine Corps Band is called "The President's Own."

199. "8th and I." Ten bucks says you have no idea where the Army chief of staff lives. Commandants don't hide.

200. MRE "rat boxes." How grunts trick-or-treat.

201. The poncho liner. It's a blanket, it's a tent, it's a keeper.

202. Combat fit-reps. People say they're equal to regular fit-reps. People lie.

203. The "E-tool lean." Sailors don't know how good they have it.

204. Navy Lt. Vincent Capodanno, Medal of Honor recipient. If Marines have a hot line to heaven, Father Capodanno - aka the Grunt Padre - would take the call. His body peppered by shrapnel, his right hand nearly severed, the Navy chaplain and priest crisscrossed a Vietnam battlefield Sept. 4, 1967, to render last rites to his fallen Marines and corpsmen with 3rd Battalion, 5th Marines, until 27 rounds from an enemy machine gun took his life. Last year, the Vatican declared him a "servant of God." Next step, sainthood?

206. Amphibious warfare means always being near the beach.

207. No Fear #2. Talk about the AV-8B Harrier's troubled past all you like, but brave jump jet pilots are flying missions in Iraq.

208. New Uniforms #2. Wash-and-wear combat uniforms mean no more starch, no more dry cleaning.

209. Marine air-ground task force. Nothing like controlling the air and the ground.

210. Slapping an eagle, globe and anchor on the back of your car and knowing it'll get you out of at least one speeding ticket.

211. The Navy wants to put Marines back on warships. It seems that Tomahawk cruise missiles can't do everything.

212. Liberty in Thailand.

213. Liberty in Australia.

214. Liberty, well, anywhere.

215. The Navy's mascot is a goat. The Corps' mascot is a bulldog. You don't need Michael Vick to tell you who wins that fight.

216. If you need another occupying land force, you can use the Marine Corps.
If you need another rapidly deployable, sea-based, front-door-kicking, air-ground team, you can't use the Army.

217. 1775 Rum Punch. Four parts dark rum, two parts lime juice, one part pure maple syrup, grenadine to taste.

218. "It's fun to shoot some people," said Lt. Gen. Jim Mattis. He says what he thinks.

219. The Beirut Memorial Wall. If you ever forget what you're fighting for, pay a visit.

221. "Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinburg?
I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line.
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to." Jack Nicholson, "A Few Good Men."

222. Maj. Meghan McClung, Marine public affairs officer, killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq while escorting media. The PAO is more than just a spokesman.

223. Sgt. Rafael Peralta. Like Dunham, he hugged a grenade to save his buddies in Iraq. No Medal of Honor . yet.

224. Hearing an accidental discharge into the clearing barrel, then waiting for the lieutenant to walk inside.

225. Call signs like "Spider" and "Assassin," and these guys were generals.

227. Buttered noodles for breakfast.

228. "Every Marine should look like a Marine. But a Marine looks like a Marine when he's got a bayonet stuck in the enemy's chest." Gen. Robert Magnus, assistant commandant, discussing body-fat standards.

229. "Infantry" is the easiest job for recruiters to sell.

230. Being the youngest Marine at the ball.

231. Being the oldest Marine at the ball.

232. Marine Corps Times appreciates all you do. Happy birthday, Marines!

I'm Such A Sucker

2007-11-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

Got this in an email the other day and then got something in my eye...

This is one of the kindest things I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is a kind soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service.

Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick. I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her. You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.

Love, Meredith.

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office.

A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, "To Meredith" in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, "When a Pet Dies." Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.

Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.

By the way, I am wherever there is love.

Love, God

Come Sit On the Sorting Lap, Young Potter

2007-10-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

A great rant about Dumbldork being gay (lifted from another blogger):

"Yeah, Dumbledore came out of the closet...or was it a cubbard beneath a staircase that young Mr. Potter lived in for so much of his childhood years...

How distasteful, really. I think Rowling, with all of her continued revelations about what happens to all the characters at Ohgwarts, should just write another book titled- So you wanted to know- and leave it at that. I am waiting to hear that Snape molested Hermoine in the cauldron storage room...oh wait for it, it's coming."

You Know You Can't Become If You Only Say What You Would Have Done

2007-10-06T18:15:00.000-07:00

A great explanation of Len's If You Steal My Sunshine.

How to Tell a Guy If His Fly is Open

2007-08-25T18:48:00.000-07:00

Shamelessly stolen from Gallivanter

1. “The cucumber has left the salad.”

2. “Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.”

3. “Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.”

4. “Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.”

5. “Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!”

6. “Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.”

7. “You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.”

8. “You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.”

9. “I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?”

10. “Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis.”

How to Get Things Done

2007-07-28T17:56:00.000-07:00

I found this article and found it completely interesting and something I do. Make sure to read my comments at the bottom for a surprise...

--------------------------------

How to Get Things Done Robert Benchley

A great many people have come up to me and asked me how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated. Hundreds of thousands of people throughout the country are wondering how I have time to do all my painting, engineering, writing and philanthropic work when, according to the rotogravure sections and society notes, I spend all my time riding to hounds, going to fancy-dress balls disguised as Louis XIV, or spelling out GREETINGS TO CALIFORNIA in formation with three thousand Los Angeles school children. "All work and all play," they say.

The secret of my incredible energy and efficiency in getting work done is a simple one. I have based it very deliberately on a well-known psychological principle and have refined it so that it is now almost too refined. I shall have to begin coarsening it up again pretty soon.

The psychological principle is this: anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

Let us see how this works out in practice. Let us say that I have five things which have to be done before the end of the week: (1) a basketful of letters to be answered, some of them dating from October, 1928 (2) some bookshelves to be put up and arranged with books (3) a hair-cut to get (4) a pile of scientific magazines to go through and clip (I am collecting all references to tropical fish that I can find, with the idea of someday buying myself one) and (5) an article to write for this paper.

Now. With these five tasks staring me in the face on Monday morning, it is little wonder that I go right back to bed as soon as I have had breakfast, in order to store up health and strength for the almost superhuman expenditure of energy that is to come. Mens sana in corpore sano is my motto.

As I lie in bed on Monday morning storing up strength, I make out a schedule. "What do I have to do first?" I ask myself. Well, those letters really should be answered and the pile of scientific magazines should be clipped. And here is where my secret process comes in. Instead of putting them first on the list, I put them last. I say: "First you must write that article for the newspaper." I sometimes go so far in this self-deception as to make out a list in pencil, with "No. 1. Newspaper article" underlined in red. (The underlining in red is rather difficult, as there is never a red pencil on the table beside the bed, unless I have taken one to bed with me on Sunday night.)

I then seat myself at my desk with my typewriter before me and sharpen five pencils. (The sharp pencils are for poking holes in the desk-blotter, and a pencil has to be pretty sharp to do that. I find that I can't get more than six holes out of one pencil.) Following this I say to myself "Now, old man! Get at this article!"

Gradually the scheme begins to work. My eye catches the pile of magazines, which I have artfully placed on a near-by table beforehand. I write my name and address at the top of the sheet of paper in the typewriter and then sink back. The magazines being within reach, I look to see if anyone is watching me and get one off the top of the pile. Hello, what's this! In the very first one is an article by Dr. William Beebe, illustrated by horrifying photographs! Pushing my chair away from my desk, I am soon hard at work clipping.

One of the interesting things about the Argyopelius, or "Silver Hatchet" fish, I find, is that it has eyes in its wrists. I would have been sufficiently surprised just to find out that a fish had wrists, but to learn that it has eyes in them is a discovery so astounding that I am hardly able to cut out the picture.

Thus, before the afternoon is half over, I have gone through the scientific magazines and have a neat pile of clippings (including one of a Viper Fish which I wish you could see. You would die laughing). Then it is back to the grind of the newspaper article.

This time I get as far as the title, which I write down with considerable satisfaction until I find that I have misspelled one word terribly, so that the whole sheet of paper has to come out and a fresh one be inserted. As I am doing this, my eye catches the basket of letters.

Now, if there is one thing that I hate to do (and there is, you may be sure) it is to write letters. But somehow, with the magazine article before me waiting to be done, I am seized with an epistolary fervor, and I slyly sneak the first of the unanswered letters out of the basket. I figure out in my mind that I will get more into the swing of writing the article if I practice on a few letters.

This first one, anyway, I really must answer. True, it is from a friend in Antwerp asking me to look him up when I am in Europe in the summer of 1929, so he can't actually be watching the incoming boats for an answer, but I owe something to politeness after all. So instead of putting a fresh sheet of copy-paper into the typewriter, I slip in one of my handsome bits of personal stationery and dash off a note to my friend in Antwerp. Then, being well in the letter-writing mood, I clean up the entire batch.

I feel a little guilty about the article, but the pile of freshly stamped envelopes and the bundle of clippings on tropical fish do much to salve my conscience. Tomorrow I will do the article, and no fooling this time.

When tomorrow comes I am up with one of the older and more sluggish larks. A fresh sheet of copy-paper in the machine, and my name and address neatly printed at the top, and all before eleven A.M.! "A human dynamo" is the name I think up for myself. I have decided to write something about snake-charming and am already more than satisfied with the title "These Snake-Charming People." But, in order to write about snake-charming, one has to know a little about its history, and where should one go to find history but to a book? Maybe in that pile of books in the corner is one on snake-charming!

So, with a perfectly clear conscience, I leave my desk for a few minutes and begin glancing over the titles. Of course, it is difficult to find any book, much less one on snake-charming, in a pile which has been standing in the corner for weeks. What really is needed is for them to be on a shelf where their titles will be visible at a glance. And there is the shelf, standing beside the pile of books! It seems almost like a divine command: "If you want to finish that article, first put up the shelf and arrange the books on it!" Nothing could be clearer or more logical.

In order to put up the shelf, the laws of physics have decreed that there must be nails, a hammer and some sort of brackets. You can't just wet a shelf with your tongue and stick it up. And, as there are no nails or brackets in the house, the next thing to do is to put on my hat and go out to buy them. Much as it disturbs me to put off the actual start of the article, I feel that I am doing only what is in the line of duty. As I put on my hat, I realize to my chagrin that I need a hair-cut badly. I can kill two birds with one stone, and stop in at the barber's on the way back. I will feel all the more like writing after a turn in the fresh air. Any doctor would tell me that.

So in a few hours I return, spick and span and smelling of lilac, bearing nails, brackets, the evening papers and some crackers and peanut butter. Then it's ho! for a quick snack and a glance through the papers (there might be something in them which would alter what I was going to write about snake-charming) and in no time at all the shelf is up, slightly crooked but up, and the books are arranged in a neat row. There does not happen to be one on snake-charming, but there is a very interesting one containing some Hogarth prints which will bear closer inspection.

And so, you see, in two days I have done four of the things I had to do, simply by making believe that it was the fifth that I must do. And the next day, I fix up something else, like taking down the bookshelf and putting it somewhere else, that I have to do, and then I get the fifth one done.

The only trouble is that, at this rate, I will soon run out of things to do, and will be forced to get at my newspaper articles the first thing Monday morning.

---------------------------------------------

Guess when this was written.

Answer: 1949

Laundry Room Girl

2007-07-27T08:11:00.000-07:00

Classic reactions all around:

DI gets Navy Cross: The Second Highest Military Award

2007-06-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

Watch how the General lingers when he pins it on. Shows you how much reverence that medal produces.

Mia

2007-06-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

Gay Spidey Dances Just For You

2007-06-25T10:34:00.000-07:00

Take a look at this and get past the total gayness of Spiderman and test something out for me. My brother told me that no matter what song you play to this, he dances to it. I tried it to "Lady Lumps" "Sexy Back" and "London Bridge" with hilarious results.

Try it to your music and let me know if it works.

So Stupid It's Funny

2007-06-24T10:42:00.000-07:00

Dramatic Look Hilarity

2007-06-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

Indescribable Loserness

2007-06-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

Rarely is it seen to this degree.

Sometimes the World Gets It Right

2007-06-13T08:26:00.000-07:00

Ooh-RAH!

2007-06-10T21:25:00.000-07:00

Cop One-Liners

2007-06-10T18:19:00.000-07:00

Police Comments These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again ; or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey crap.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife get's a toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS...

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!'

Another Great Drill Instructor Line

2007-06-09T23:53:00.001-07:00

This was the email tagline for a DI First Sergeant that sent me an email:

"The Best Leaders Inspire By Example. When That's Not An Option, Brute Intimidation Works Pretty Well, Too."

Full Metal Rudolf

2007-06-09T20:11:00.001-07:00

The Apocalypse Approaches

2007-06-09T08:19:00.000-07:00

Prepare yourself.

Eatin' A Sandwich

2007-06-07T10:45:00.000-07:00

The Scariest Two Minutes You Will Ever See

2007-06-05T18:38:00.000-07:00

Darth Vader Was An Asshole

2007-06-01T22:06:00.001-07:00

My Kind Of Girl

2007-05-31T20:55:00.001-07:00

Sobering

2007-05-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

Diary of a Drunk Driver Release Date: November 29, 2006

If you do not read anything else this holiday, make sure you read this:

Diary of a Drunk Driver: I am a 46 year old Naval Officer stationed here at the Naval Medical Center San Diego. I have been on active duty for 27 years that included 16 years of service as enlisted. The following paragraphs lay out in detail a chronological chain of events that completely changed my life over the last year from Halloween 2005 to Halloween 2006. Please take a few minutes to read this diary and hopefully what happened to me will never happen to you:

A few points about myself I want to share before going into the details of my eventual arrest for Driving Under The Influence of Alcohol. I did not consume alcohol on a consistent basis. As a matter of fact, I only drank alcohol occasionally at home or occasional social gatherings. I am an avid long distance runner and have completed 3 marathons (Rock and Roll here in San Diego twice and the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington, D.C.) I have two almost grown children and have very strong religious and moral beliefs. What happened to me can happen to anybody, anytime, anywhere if you are an alcohol user. I am not telling anyone not to use alcohol. I am saying however DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT, consume alcohol of any amount and operate a motor vehicle. Take a taxi, call a friend or walk home. DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE!!!!!!!!

On 29 October 2005 at about 20:45 I was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol on Interstate 8 at the College Avenue exit. I had just left a social gathering where alcohol was served. While driving home, I was stopped by the San Diego Sheriff's department because my driving was impaired by the alcohol and I crossed over the white line that separated the lanes. I was issued a field sobriety test and failed.

I was placed under arrest at the scene and transported to the San Diego County Jail. Don't believe what you see on TV where the high priced lawyer comes and gets you out 15 minutes later. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. You will be there for a minimum of 8 to 10 hours. You will be searched, fingerprinted, photographed and then placed in a cell 20 X 20 with 40 of Your Best Friends that you never want to see again. The only thing in this room is a toilet in the corner. After the 8 to 10 hours and processing was complete I was released. I walked out of the jail on the streets of San Diego at about 0800 in the morning and came face to face with at least 75 homeless people. And I thought I had a bad night. NOW IS WHEN THE FUN BEGINS.

I had to attend a 3 months First Conviction Program at SDSU that included 12 1 hour classes each week for 12 weeks and 6 2 hour lectures for 6 weeks. I attended mandatory Mothers against Drunk Driving lecture in which 3 moms told the story of the loss of their children to drunk drivers. A very emotional and guilt ridden experience. I had to complete 10 days of community service picking up trash, cleaning parks, etc for the city. I had to hire an attorney to represent me and contact my insurance company. I went to court and received a substantial fine. The combined costs of this was:

First Conviction Program: $445
MADD: $25
Attorney: $1,700
Fine and Court Costs: $1,950
Total: $4,120

And I have even talked about the insurance. It does not matter who your insurance company is, they will cancel you and you will have to obtain a much less reputable insurance and much higher price. It will cost you thousands and thousands of dollars over the years.

Then the DMV, OH JOY. I lost my driver's license completely for 30 days and had a restricted license for 5 more months. And this was before I ever went to court. The DMV will revoke and suspend your license without a conviction. Driving is a privilege, not a right. Just being cited is justification. And then you have to pay to get it back. $195 is the cost.

I was selected for promotion to LCDR effective 1 February 2006. My promotion was withdrawn and I was removed from the promotion listing. I was processed for administrative separation and will retire involuntarily within the next 6 months. The reason I talk about this is because if I had not been arrested, I would have continued on active duty for 4 more years and reached a 30 year retirement. If I lived for 20 more years which is very reasonable, the loss of this LCDR pay at 30 years vice LT pay at 26 years will end up being approximately $600,000 over 20 years.

As you have noticed, I made a point of the monetary loss. The monetary loss PALES IN COMPARISON to the shame, emotional pain, grief and guilt that this will cause YOU, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR CO-WORKERS and just about every person you come in contact with. It can COMPLETELY DESTROY YOUR LIFE as you know it. It will have an adverse affect on EVERY FACET OF YOUR LIFE. I am just so thankful that I DID NOT KILL SOMEONE while driving under the influence of alcohol. I have only detailed the highlights (if you can call them that) of this experience. There are many more smaller painful points but they are too many too mention. My hope is that for those of you who take the time to read this you will not drink and drive. If my pain keeps just 1 of you from drinking and driving and even more if it saves one life then it was worth the pain.

Thank You.

Actual Snippet From An Email I received.

2007-05-29T20:16:00.000-07:00

"Trying to find any pictures of me as a DI, former girlfriend dumped my platoon pictures and DI portrait in the Beaufort river, other girlfriend burned the rest."

Gotta love DIs.

Japanese Justice

2007-05-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

Demands of Kidnapper & Japanese Release Negotiations

"I have 3 demands or I'll kill the boy!"

Negotiators assess the situation from next door.

Head Negotiator dispatched

Negotiations begin

Negotiations concluded

Everyone (almost everyone) goes home in time for dinner.

No muss, no fuss.

In this country, we would talk him out of it, spend 5 million giving him a fair trial, and pay his food and lodging for life. No wonder their cars are cheaper than ours.

U.S. Marine Saves Life

2007-05-25T09:19:00.001-07:00

U.S. Marine Saves The Life of an Air Force Officer During Horse-Back Riding Mishap Sacramento, CA., May 17, 2007

Yet another unselfish act of heroism performed by a man wearing the Eagle, Globe and Anchor:

An Air Force Captain narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he decided to try horseback riding, even though he had no lessons or prior experience. He mounted the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately sprang into action. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the Captain began to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabbed for the horse's mane, but could not get a firm grip. He tried to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he began to slide down the side of the horse anyway!

The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his frail grip, the Captain attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head struck against the ground over and over and over.

As his head was being battered against the ground and he was mere moments away from unconsciousness, to his great fortune a Marine Sergeant shopping at Target saw him and quickly unplugged the horse.

Awesome

2007-05-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

The Day After A Marathon

2007-05-16T20:36:00.000-07:00

SOOOOOOOOOO familiar:

This Just Makes Me Laugh

2007-05-12T09:42:00.001-07:00

Stealin'

2007-05-12T09:37:00.001-07:00

You'll Watch It More Than Once

2007-05-11T20:12:00.001-07:00

Goosebumps

2007-05-11T19:34:00.001-07:00

The Other One

2007-05-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

One Of My Favorite All-Time Commercials

2007-05-11T19:27:00.000-07:00

Boys Will Be Boys, Part 1

2007-05-10T16:50:00.000-07:00

Letter home from an Air Force Colonel/Doctor

2007-05-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know if these are true, but I can tell you the Marine patients I've met would be like this.

-- Viper

---------------------------------

Dear Dad,

If I ever hear airmen griping and complaining, I jump into them pretty quickly, now. Most people over here have nothing to gripe about compared to Marines. Marines are different. They have a different outlook on life.

One Marine Private was here for several days because he was a lower priority evacuation patient. He insisted on coming to attention and displaying proper military courtesy every morning when I came through on rounds. He was in a great deal of pain, and it was a stressful to watch him work his way off the bed and onto his crutches. I told him he was excused and did not have to come to attention while he was a patient, and he informed me that he was a good Marine and would address "Air Force Colonels standing on my feet, Sir."

I had to turn away so he would not see the tear in my eye. He did not have "feet" because we amputated his right leg below the knee on the first night he came in.

I asked a Marine Lance Corporal if there was anything I could get him as I was making rounds one morning. He was an above the knee amputation after an IED blast, and he surprised me when he asked for a trigonometry book.

"You enjoy math do you?"

He replied, "Not particularly, Sir. I was never good at it, but I need to get good at it, now."

"Are you planning on going back to school?" I asked. "No sir, I am planning on shooting artillery. I will slow an infantry platoon down with just one good leg, but I am going to get good at math and learn how to shoot artillery".

I hope he does.

I had the sad duty of standing over a young Marine Sgt. when he recovered from anesthesia - despite our best efforts there was just no way to save his left arm, and it had to come off just below the elbow.

"Can I have my arm back, sir?" he asked.

"No, we had to cut it off, we cannot re-attach it." I said.

"But can I have my arm?" he asked again.

"You see, we had to cut it off."

He interrupted, "I know you had to cut it off, but I want it back. It must be in a bag or something, Sir."

"Why do you want it?" I asked.

"I am going to have it stuffed and use it as a club when I get back to my unit."

I must have looked shocked because he tried to comfort me, "Don't you worry now, Colonel. You did a fine job, and I hardly hurt at all; besides I scratch and shoot with my other hand anyway."

God Bless the Marines!

All Men Are Created Equal, Then Some Become MARINES

Yeah, one of THESE

2007-05-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

1. What time did you get up this morning? 0533, 0542, 0551, 0600, 0609, 0618, 0627, and 0636 (I'm a big snooze bar guy).

2. Diamonds or pearls? Neither. Both chip my teeth.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Are We Done Yet with the kids. I'm so ashamed.

4. What is your favorite TV show? The Daily Show

5. What did you have for breakfast? Raisin Bran and the blood of puppies.

6. What is your middle name? Donald

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Sharon but that's really not fair to the other cousins.

8. What foods do you dislike? Fish (wretch!)

9. What are your favorite chips? I like Ponch but the other guy was a Marine so it's a toss up (Doritos)

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? You can't miss with high yield bonds. (OK, it would have to be Sarah McLachlan's Surfacing or anything else from that goddess)

11. What kind of car do you drive? 1998 Saturn (Uranus) or Truckasaurus or a 2006 Pilot.

12. Favorite sandwich? Any club but no onions, please.

13. What are characteristics you can't stand? Rudeness or undue pride

14. What are your favorite clothes? The King's new ones

15. If you could go anywhere on vacation? Here with a lot of books.

17. Where would you want to retire? San Diego but will probably be Seattle.

18. Favorite time of day? The moments between closing my book and actually falling asleep. Bliss!

19. Where were you born? Arkansas City, Kansas by the same doc who delivered my brother.. And father.

21. What is your favorite sport to watch? Women's Beach Volleyball but only for the sport.

22. Who do you think will not send this back? Every human NOT you.

23. Person you expect to send it back first? Can we get past this? I'm only sending it to you and you already sent it so, yeah.

24. Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi hurts my nose when I snort it.

25. Beavers or ducks? This question is loaded with innuendo. Out of respect, I will stay real still and quiet..

26. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Night owl. My morning person is more like Charlie Manson crossed with Hitler.

27. Pedicure or manicure? Pedicure even though I hate the feeling. I need them for my running, believe it or not. A bad toenail can take you out of a race.

28. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with anyone? I'm running a 50 mile ultra in a week and a half. Kinda nervous.

29. What did you want to be when you were little? Astronaut. And not the diaper-wearing kind. Oh, and Superman.

30. What is your best childhood memory? Going to Seattle for the summer with my dad.

31. Ever been to Africa? The band? No on either.

32. Ever been toilet papering? Just a few minutes ago. Must have been the big lunch.

33. Been in a car accident? Yep, as a teen. I was the passenger and all I got was bruises on my thighs. Very lucky.

34. Favorite day of the week? Saturday

35. Favorite restaurant? Fudruckers.

36. Favorite flower? The skunk on Bambi.

37. Favorite ice-cream? Ben and Jerry's Phish Food. OMG!!!!

38. Favorite fast food restaurant? Taco Butt.

39. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Technically since I killed the tester..

40. From whom did you get your last e-mail? Amazon.com. Fuckers are relentless.

41. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Borders, HELLO! Or Starbucks but that won't take long.

43. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? My mom but she doesn't have a computer so I'd really like to see that unfold.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? That would be my wife.

45. What are you listening to right now? My Windows Media Player playlist on random. Dido's singing Life For Rent.

46. What is your favorite color? Black or white. Go figure.

47. How many tattoos do you have? One. Arm. Devil Dog with "USMC" under it. Unless you also count my slut stamp on my lower back.

48. How many are you sending this Email to? Let's see... add the column.. borrow a ten..carry the one... just you.

49. What time did you finish this e-mail? 6:49 PM but I will go back and read it before sending.

50. Favorite magazine? None that I feel comfortable admitting. Actually, Runner's World mainly for the nudity.

Is Mother Nature Telling Us Something? Part 1

2007-05-08T11:17:00.000-07:00

Loving Childen 1

2007-05-07T07:57:00.000-07:00

Corpsman UP!

2007-05-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

Instant Death

2007-05-02T19:59:00.000-07:00

Rich was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rich got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift, wrapped with ribbon in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rich has been missing since Friday.

Miracle of Toilet Paper

2007-04-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't have the onions to ever do this but thought it was pretty funny....

...................................

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it!!!!"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again.

Poem About Military Service

2007-04-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

Written by Anonymous:

I must remember something about me:

I stood up
I showed up
I stepped forward
I raised my right hand
I stood in the gap
I walked in the fire

I did not run
I did not hide
I did not dodge
I did not evade

Consequently... ...

I have nothing to prove
No one to convince
Those who matter already know
Those who don't, never will

Love Dress

2007-04-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the
couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her
best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT........

Why Men Need Post-It Notes

2007-04-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

They Walk Among Us!

2007-04-22T22:01:00.000-07:00

I got this via email...

-------------------------------------

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

...............They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

...............They Walk Among Us

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

...............They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

...............They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

..............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it
cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

...............Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL............. they VOTE!

A Moment Before Violence

2007-04-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

My Cousin the Sportswriter

2007-04-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

(I have no idea WTF is going on with the white spots but I assure you, he is hygienic or at least the last time I was around him.)

Great article about my cousin. We were nearly indiscernible as kids except I was a few years older.

Anyway, go read this.

Long Way Down

2007-04-10T08:48:00.000-07:00

IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY...

YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING...

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM...

YOU OPEN THE DOOR...

NOW, REMEMBER, THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR!

Irish Viagra

2007-04-07T07:11:00.000-07:00

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an ‘Irish Viagra.’ It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee . He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress . The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate . He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Me as the CO

2007-04-04T18:22:00.000-07:00

Larry "Bud" Melman Dies

2007-03-31T18:33:00.000-07:00

Damn.

------------------------------------------------------

NEW YORK (AP) -- The balding, bespectacled nebbish who gained cult status as the oddball Larry "Bud" Melman on David Letterman's late-night television shows has died after a long illness.

Brooklyn-born Calvert DeForest, who was 85, died Monday at a hospital on Long Island, the Letterman show announced Wednesday.

He made dozens of appearances on Letterman's shows from 1982 through 2002, handling a variety of twisted duties: singing a duet with Sonny Bono on "I Got You, Babe"; doing a Mary Tyler Moore impression during a visit to Minneapolis, Minnesota, where her 1970s show was set; handing out hot towels to arrivals at New York's Port Authority Bus Terminal.

Cue cards were often DeForest's television kryptonite, and his character invariably appeared in an ill-fitting black suit behind thick, black-rimmed glasses.

"Everyone always wondered if Calvert was an actor playing a character, but in reality he was just himself -- a genuine, modest and nice man," Letterman said in a statement. "To our staff and to our viewers, he was a beloved and valued part of our show, and we will miss him."

DeForest's gnomish face was the first to greet viewers when Letterman's NBC show debuted on Feb. 1, 1982, offering a parody of the prologue to the Boris Karloff film "Frankenstein."

"It was the greatest thing that had happened in my life," he once said of his first Letterman appearance.

DeForest, given the nom de tube of Larry "Bud" Melman, became a program regular. The collaboration continued when the talk show host moved to CBS to launch "Late Show with David Letterman" in 1994.

The Melman character opened Letterman's first CBS show, too -- but used his real name because of a dispute with NBC over "intellectual property." DeForest, positioned inside the network's familiar eye logo, announced, "This is CBS!"

DeForest often drew laughs by his bizarre juxtaposition as a "Late Show" correspondent at events such as the 1994 Winter Olympics in Norway and the Woodstock anniversary concert that year.

His last appearance on "Late Show" came in 2002, celebrating his 81st birthday.

DeForest also appeared in an assortment of other television shows and films, including "Nothing Lasts Forever" with Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd.

There will be no funeral service for DeForest, who left no survivors.

An Italian Woman Sent Me This

2007-03-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

That's What I Would've Said

2007-03-28T18:59:00.000-07:00

Greatest Scrubs Moments EVER!

2007-03-25T07:19:00.000-07:00

The first one is a bonus, containing two of the best moments. The Sanford & Son song is classic and then Turk arm-wrestling Carla --- priceless:

Safety Dance perfection:

Here is the first scene of the first Scrubs show I ever saw. I laughed so hard at Turk that I was hooked forever:

Then there is the coup de grat. Watch EVERY detail of this clip. It's pure comedy at every level:

Pretty much...

2007-03-21T18:14:00.000-07:00

Oh Deer

2007-03-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet (away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up. 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head. almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that the re is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened"

I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him

"I was attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did.

Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something. EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider a "city folk" I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering there is the dumb-ass that tried to rope the deer.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

2007-03-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

This is so childish but oh so funny. I think the funniest thing about it is the song right after the deed.

Redneck Man's pick up lines

2007-03-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to check you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I think I can see myself in em.

6) If you in I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

Rules

2007-03-15T19:24:00.000-07:00

US Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.

3. Have a plan.

4. Have a back-up plan.

5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."

7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap.

8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)

9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

14. Remember, when all else fails, an entrenching tools primary purpose is NOT for digging holes but cleaving skulls.

Navy SEALS Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.

2. Kill every living thing within view.

3. Adjust speedo.

4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.

2. Locate individuals requiring killing.

3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.

4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Select a new beret to wear.

2. Sew patches on right shoulder.

3. Come up with a new patch to cover that section of blouse that still shows what color it was.

4. create another new badge for something like "mouse-pad" expert to go with all the rest of the "expert" badges.

5. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.

2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.

3. See what's on HBO.

4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"

5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.

6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.

7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.

8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.

9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.

2. Drink Coffee.

3. Watch porn.

4. Deploy the Marines.

This Says It All

2007-03-11T07:17:00.000-07:00

A young Marine Major meets with the Headquarters Company First Sergeant in his office. He asks, "1stSgt, how do you run such an efficient outfit? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the 1stSgt, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

The Major frowns. "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The 1stSgt takes a sip of coffee. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The 1stSgt yells out to one of his favorite Gunnery Sergeant’s. The Gunny walks into the room. "Yes, 1stSgt, what can I do for you?"

The 1stSgt smiles "Answer me this, please. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, the Gunnery Sergeant answers, "Well, that would be me."

"Yes, Very good, thanks" says the 1stSgt.

The Major goes back to his office to ask all of the junior officers in his section the same question.

"Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

All of the officers look at the Major in amazement, "We're not sure, Sir. Let us get back to you on that one."

The junior officers then have numerous meetings to discuss it without a resolution.

Finally, they run into the Sergeant Major, "SgtMaj! Can you answer this for us? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

The SgtMaj yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

All of the officers smile, and say, "Thanks!" Then, they schedule a meeting with the Major, "Sir we found the answer, we did some research and we have the answer to that riddle. It's a SgtMaj."

The Major gets up, and starts screaming at them, "No, you idiots! It's a Gunny!"

Which Profession?

2007-03-10T07:05:00.000-08:00

An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whiskey and
- a Playboy magazine

I'll just hide behind the door, " the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK. But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house, whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Marine!"

Back in the 80s

2007-03-07T21:24:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH ways . through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full-time, after-school job at the local textile mill ... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter.... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napster's! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ usually talk over the beginning and messed it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony PlayStation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up.... we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire . Imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Stella Awards 2006

2007-03-06T23:34:00.000-08:00

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie):

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000. by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son .

5th Place (tie):

19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps .

5th Place (tie):

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.

He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.

He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500. and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.

The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500. after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge . She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses

1st Place:

This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000. plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Sometimes You Need A Little Chest-Beating

2007-02-28T17:36:00.000-08:00

Easy Answers to Hard Math Problems

2007-02-27T18:21:00.000-08:00

I laughed aloud at these answers:

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Cell Phone Capabilities

2007-02-27T08:46:00.000-08:00

This was sent to me and I was skeptical but it checks out on Snopes and I've tried a couple myself. They work, try it for yourself.

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THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO. There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.

Check out the things that you can do with it:

1. Emergency

The emergency number worldwide for mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number
112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.

2. Have you locked your keys in the car?

Does you car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday.

Good reason to own a cell phone. If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at home to press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).!

3. Hidden Battery Power

Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time.

4. How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone.

To check your mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: *#06#. A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief change the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everyone does this, there would be no point in people stealing phones.

5. 411 Information Calls

Cell phone companies are charging us $1.oo to $1.75 or more for 411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply
dial: 800 FREE 411 or 800 373-3411 without incurring any charge at all.

Program this into your cell phone now.

What Do YOU Think This Meant?

2007-02-20T18:07:00.000-08:00

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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I thought she had spoken too loud so everyone could hear her.

My wife pointed out that the joke was that the fart was not silent.

Which is it?

A day in the Life of a Marine 2nd LT

2007-02-14T20:41:00.000-08:00

0530 Platoon PT - Stay out of the Gunny's way
0700 Morning routine (shave, shower, etc.)
0730 Chow - Don't interfere with the Gunny
0800 Office - Let the Gunny run things
0945 Meeting with the Company Sgt Major - Don't talk, just listen
1000 Company Staff Meeting - Make sure to let Gunny do all the talking
1200 Lunch - PT, so Gunny doesn't make you look as bad
1300 Office - Gunny is running things so just keep quiet and try to learn something
1600 Knock Off - Make sure Gunny doesn't need anything signed before leaving

Bonilla The Gorilla

2007-02-08T22:11:00.000-08:00

I live a surreal life.

Go read this first to understand why getting the email below today just about floored me.

AT THE TIME YOU GET THIS MSG, I HOPE YOU ARE STANDING AT ATTENTION AFTER YOU READ THE SUBJECT!

How are you doing sir? It is good to see or hear from one of your fellow Marines especially one whom you had a chance to make a positive impact on.

This was a good reading material, as you can probably imagine I had the entire family read it and every one was impressed not only with the story, but with your writing also. My oldest son (24 school teacher) said that he knows exactly what you're talking about in your article. Well I’m very proud of your accomplishments in your life. I talked to Sergio and we are going to get together and send you some pictures. I made Gysgt and then had to get out for personal reasons, but I still love the USMC.

I’m a drivers license examiner for the state of NC, can you imaging that? Some of the young drivers get to see the gorilla once in a while when they fail the driving test, but somehow they all ways come back and request me for their second test and it drives my fellow workers crazy because they can’t understand why them young marines insist in coming back to see me, and I tell them that it's that EGA in my heart. Stay in touch.

Semper Fi!
Gysgt USMC Vet.
I did it my way and I’m proud of it.

Manicure Humor

2007-02-04T12:04:00.000-08:00

Jeanie says this is funny:

Anjelah Johnson - Nail Salon

4 min 21 sec - Dec 8, 2006

Average rating: (2460 ratings)

Description: Comedy Time Latino: Anjelah Johnson talks about a recent visit to a Nail Salon.

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But I think this is funnier because I have an Aunt Virginia just like this.

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

2007-02-03T08:09:00.000-08:00

God, this is funny....

Why?

2007-01-21T23:57:00.000-08:00

Why do we say "TAKE a shit"?

I mean, we really leave it. I know this sounds very Senfeldian but it struck me today that it makes no sense to "take" a shit. Even when you say it less vulgarly (??) such as ".. a dump", we still use "take."

OK, so to make yourself useful, let me know your favorite euphemism for leaving a shit. I'll start:

1. Taking the kids to the pool.
2. Blowing mud
3. Letting my butt-snake out for a swim

You're Late!

2007-01-20T17:39:00.000-08:00

I don't advocate violence but oh how well this would work if you could get away with it just once.

Poor Fuckers

2007-01-16T20:36:00.000-08:00

Thanks Little Miss Runner Pants. Sorry I've been away so long.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
18
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Sunday at the Groses

2007-01-09T21:27:00.000-08:00

Computer work work, work, work, work……..

“Hey, let’s take the kids to a movie” says Carrie.

“OK.”

Computer work work, work, work, work……..

“We need to leave in 15 minutes.”

“Should I take a shower?”

“Um YEAH!”

So then what happens? I jump in the shower and get ready in record time, ready to go to the movie but where do I find my son?

Computer work work, work, work, work……..

“LET’S GO!”

“Wait, Dad! I almost…”

Oh. No. He Didn’t.

“If you are not down here in the next 10 seconds, I’m taking away your internet connection for the rest of the day!”

POOF.

Pissed.

So now he’s all pissed off on the way to the movie and I’m pissed off right back at him. Exactly mirroring us is the mirrored females of the group: Carrie and Stephanie nervous and quiet.

A wonderful start to going to the movies with my family.

I didn’t get over it until about ¾ of the way through the movie. We watched “Eragon” and it didn’t take long before I was convinced I needed to read these books. I’m such a sucker for these boy destined to be a hero movies. Plus, with the “Scar” voice from Jeremy Irons, how can you go wrong?

Buster Fan Mail

2007-01-07T08:55:00.000-08:00

I don't what struck me as more disturbing, the envelope I received:

.. or what was in it:

Let's all let Jeanie she's fallen off the deep end, shall we?

Guess Who'll Be Looking At Moster.com with a Hangover?

2007-01-06T22:07:00.000-08:00

New Hand Signals

2007-01-02T18:36:00.000-08:00