OK, So Here's The Deal...

A Marine Major, Running Fool, and All-Around Smart-Ass.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Fat People Shouldn't Mess With Me

I was waiting in line in a Kinko's today waiting to be called over to the counter when all the sudden a very obese woman waddled right past me and up to the counter (actually, her stomach was up to the counter. Her head was about 3 feet back).

She turned to me and said very condescendingly, "Were you in line?"

"Yes, I was" I said neutrally.

As she waddled off irritated, she mumbled, "... because you were just STANDING there..."

I turned to her (not hard to do) and said "I was waiting to be called forward. It's called being polite. I will ensure it doesn't happen again."

I took care of my business and as I turned around to go find my daughter and leave, she sneered at me, "Asshole."

Without a break, I looked at her and said,

"Look, Lulu, that might be true but you know what? Tomorrow, I might wake up and be a great guy. But you, YOU will undoubtedly still be fat. Probably even FATTER. So burn a few calories and waddle up, you're holding up the line."

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  • At 6:02 PM, Blogger Ryan said…

    Winston Churchill fan, eh?

  • At 6:39 PM, Blogger Viper said…

    Ahh, was it him that made the drunk comment?

  • At 7:04 PM, Anonymous LCpl Dristy said…


    In a very humorous manner, and with all due respect:

    I think I love you. :D

    LCpl Dristy

  • At 9:14 PM, Anonymous Ray Young said…

    Fat, skinny, short, tall, it doesn't matter, cutting in line may not be a hanging offense, but a person could sure make a good argument for it. Especially when it is a fatbodied busy-body who probably hasn't seen the business end of exercise in decades. Out of curiosity, what offended you more, the extra tonnage or the rude behavior of cutting in line and then getting pissed off when you didn't let her get away with it.

  • At 2:01 AM, Blogger Jack said…

    Splendid response! If your response stems from the fact that you are an asshole, as "Lulu" implies, then I would say that we need more assholes in the world.

    By the way I should get around to introducing myself. I'm Jack, age 46, originally from Upstate New York, lately of Stutensee, Germany. I came across your blog a couple months ago while researching ultramarathon training and quickly became addicted to your writing style and wonderful humor. I served proudly for 8 years in the Army, which is not anything like the Marines, but at least leaves me feeling like I can relate to some of your "military" experiences.

    I've run 3 marathons in the last 12 months and will be running my first 50K race tomorrow. I plan on running my first 50-miler in 2007 and maybe a 100K. I don't know if I will ever make it to Badwater, age is against it, but I never thought I would run a marathon either.

    Let me know when you publish your first book, I know it will be a good read!

  • At 6:03 AM, Blogger Viper said…

    LCpl Dristy,

    This doesn't mean we'll be holding hands and taking warm showers together.

  • At 6:07 AM, Blogger Viper said…

    Ray, contrary to popular belief (mostly created by me), the mere existence of fat people does not piss me off. It's only when they waddle over the line in some aspect that I feel no hesitation to point out their series of poor life choices. In this case, calling me an asshole, especially in public, removed all the gloves and she got what she deserved. I'm sure a better man could have not gone there but like most people, I'm a work in progress.

  • At 6:11 AM, Blogger Viper said…


    Thanks for tuning in. I'm flattered that I have so many readers, as indicated by my tracker, and am constantly amazed how many read but don't comment. Sometimes I feel like I'm writing to myself.

    Congrats on your running accomplishemtns and aspirations. It's been my experience that you are in your prime for ultras. I was in the bottom five, age0wise, at 34 when I did my first 50.

  • At 7:56 AM, Anonymous Ray Young said…

    A better man would have been ruder to her. Part of being a better man is making sure that offensive people are not getting off with a free ride. The higher choice is to improve your society. As I said, I thoguht you did the right thing!!!
    For myself, when you start in of fatties I usually feel uncomfortable because I am a fatbody, however it doens't seem you have every treated anybody poorly just for being fat. And besides, I KNOW wihtout a doubt the choices I made in my life, so I make no excuses for being fat that doesn't rest the blame squarely on my shoulders. (Thats right, I don't even blame my mom's good cooking, it was my fork.)

  • At 9:35 AM, Blogger Ryan said…

    Yes Sir, It was he who made the drunk comment

  • At 7:19 PM, Blogger O! said…

    Why are you so evil?

  • At 5:35 AM, Blogger P2B12 said…

    Heartbreak Ridge is my all time favorite movie.
    Gunny Highway is my Hero !

  • At 11:57 AM, Blogger Laura said…

    I probably would have been on the floor laughing had I been witness to this. I can just see you not.even.missing.a.beat.

    I swear it is this part of the country though-people being rude and cutting in line, etc...I have never seen so many rude people concentrated in one area. I've been here almost five years and I'm still not used to it.

  • At 7:16 AM, Blogger a.maria said…

    aaahhhahahahhahahah hhaaa. haha. HA.

    love it.
    oh if only i could have witnessed the scene. or her face, when you put the smack down.

    good times, dude. good. times.


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