Miracle of Toilet Paper

I wouldn't have the onions to ever do this but thought it was pretty funny....

...................................

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it!!!!"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again.

Poem About Military Service

Written by Anonymous:

I must remember something about me:

I stood up
I showed up
I stepped forward
I raised my right hand
I stood in the gap
I walked in the fire

I did not run
I did not hide
I did not dodge
I did not evade

Consequently... ...

I have nothing to prove
No one to convince
Those who matter already know
Those who don't, never will

Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the
couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her
best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT........

Why Men Need Post-It Notes

They Walk Among Us!

I got this via email...

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I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

...............They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

...............They Walk Among Us

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

...............They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

...............They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

..............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it
cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

...............Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL............. they VOTE!

A Moment Before Violence

My Cousin the Sportswriter

(I have no idea WTF is going on with the white spots but I assure you, he is hygienic or at least the last time I was around him.)

Great article about my cousin. We were nearly indiscernible as kids except I was a few years older.

Anyway, go read this.

Long Way Down

IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY...

YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING...

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM...

YOU OPEN THE DOOR...

NOW, REMEMBER, THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR!

Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an ‘Irish Viagra.’ It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee . He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress . The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate . He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Me as the CO