The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

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Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to
the true answer, which most likely is one of the
following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question
was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you
to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
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Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a
more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
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Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect
answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how
I would spend the insurance money if you died.
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Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
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Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer,
of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: shit.