12 Step Program for Recovering Marines
Marines Anonymous
1. I am a Marine, I have a problem. This is the first step to recovery...
2. Speech:
- Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530 or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
- Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, work out, get used to it.
- "F *ck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
- Grunting is not talking.
- It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
- People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC
3. Style:
- Do not put creases in your jeans.
- Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
- A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
- A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
- So does a low reg, but not as bad.
- A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
- You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
4. Women:
- Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Forcegirls.
- Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
- Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.
5. Personal accomplishments:
- In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
- Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
- How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
- The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.
6. Drinking:
- In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
- That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
- That time you went to the combat medic school and practiced giving vodka IVs will also not be a good conversation starter
6. Bodily functions:
- Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
- The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
- You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is
- VD will also not be funny
7. The human body:
- Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.
8. Spending habits:
- One day, you will have to pay bills
- Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
- Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
- One day you will need health insurance
9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
- Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.
10. Real jobs:
- They really can fire you.
- On the flip side you really can quit.
- Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
- Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
- Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800
11. The Law:
- Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
- Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
- Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
- Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
12. General knowledge:
- You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
- Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
- They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite.
- Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.
1. I am a Marine, I have a problem. This is the first step to recovery...
2. Speech:
- Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530 or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
- Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, work out, get used to it.
- "F *ck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
- Grunting is not talking.
- It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
- People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC
3. Style:
- Do not put creases in your jeans.
- Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
- A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
- A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
- So does a low reg, but not as bad.
- A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
- You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
4. Women:
- Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Forcegirls.
- Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
- Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.
5. Personal accomplishments:
- In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
- Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
- How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
- The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.
6. Drinking:
- In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
- That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
- That time you went to the combat medic school and practiced giving vodka IVs will also not be a good conversation starter
6. Bodily functions:
- Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
- The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
- You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is
- VD will also not be funny
7. The human body:
- Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.
8. Spending habits:
- One day, you will have to pay bills
- Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
- Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
- One day you will need health insurance
9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
- Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.
10. Real jobs:
- They really can fire you.
- On the flip side you really can quit.
- Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
- Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
- Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800
11. The Law:
- Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
- Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
- Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
- Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
12. General knowledge:
- You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
- Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
- They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite.
- Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.
posted by Viper @ 1/19/2006
9 Comments:
At 9:13 AM,
Laura said…
Hahaha!!! I love this!!!
Maybe you should seek employment at a police department..it's a lot like the military. Farting and all.
~L.
At 12:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
Ha. This is funny. Good luck with it.
At 3:20 PM,
Viper said…
Somehow, I thought you'd like this one, Killjoy.
At 3:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
Captain, sometimes you come up with the best stuff.
At 3:41 PM,
Viper said…
L, I detest farting. If I became Commandant, I would make it a punishable offense by the Uniformed Code of Military Justice.
At 3:41 PM,
Viper said…
Ray,
Sometimes?
At 11:26 AM,
Anonymous said…
and you want me to come out of hiding???? I don't think so. Pictures in the teacup will only give more ammunition to point 4a (short skirt+high step up = MORE leg than is seemly in a lady and an officer.)
At 6:22 PM,
Viper said…
Anon, now you're just being mean.
At 1:23 PM,
DragonLady said…
Hey! Not ALL Air Force girls are easy. (I was going to say "Air Force girls are not easy" but then I ran through my memories of some of my old Air Force buddies, and, well, I can't really dipute your claim.)
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