OK, So Here's The Deal...

A Marine Major, Running Fool, and All-Around Smart-Ass.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

12 Step Program for Recovering Marines

Marines Anonymous

1. I am a Marine, I have a problem. This is the first step to recovery...

2. Speech:

- Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530 or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).

- Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, work out, get used to it.

- "F *ck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".

- Grunting is not talking.

- It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out"

- People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC

3. Style:

- Do not put creases in your jeans.

- Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.

- A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.

- A high and tight looks really dumb as well.

- So does a low reg, but not as bad.

- A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.

- You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:

- Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Forcegirls.

- Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.

- Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:

- In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.

- Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.

- How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.

- The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:

- In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"

- That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.

- That time you went to the combat medic school and practiced giving vodka IVs will also not be a good conversation starter

6. Bodily functions:

- Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".

- The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.

- You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is

- VD will also not be funny

7. The human body:

- Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.

8. Spending habits:

- One day, you will have to pay bills

- Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.

- Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.

- One day you will need health insurance

9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):

- Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.

10. Real jobs:

- They really can fire you.

- On the flip side you really can quit.

- Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.

- Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.

- Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800

11. The Law:

- Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.

- Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested

- Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job

- Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

12. General knowledge:

- You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.

- Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.

- They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite.

- Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.

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9 Comments:

  • At 9:13 AM, Blogger Laura said…

    Hahaha!!! I love this!!!
    Maybe you should seek employment at a police department..it's a lot like the military. Farting and all.
    ~L.

     
  • At 12:11 PM, Anonymous killjoy said…

    Ha. This is funny. Good luck with it.

     
  • At 3:20 PM, Blogger Viper said…

    Somehow, I thought you'd like this one, Killjoy.

     
  • At 3:21 PM, Anonymous Ray Young said…

    Captain, sometimes you come up with the best stuff.

     
  • At 3:41 PM, Blogger Viper said…

    L, I detest farting. If I became Commandant, I would make it a punishable offense by the Uniformed Code of Military Justice.

     
  • At 3:41 PM, Blogger Viper said…

    Ray,

    Sometimes?

     
  • At 11:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    and you want me to come out of hiding???? I don't think so. Pictures in the teacup will only give more ammunition to point 4a (short skirt+high step up = MORE leg than is seemly in a lady and an officer.)

     
  • At 6:22 PM, Blogger Viper said…

    Anon, now you're just being mean.

     
  • At 1:23 PM, Blogger DragonLady said…

    Hey! Not ALL Air Force girls are easy. (I was going to say "Air Force girls are not easy" but then I ran through my memories of some of my old Air Force buddies, and, well, I can't really dipute your claim.)

     

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