OK, So Here's The Deal...

A Marine Major, Running Fool, and All-Around Smart-Ass.

Sunday, April 16, 2006


I love it.

Washington State Barbies are FINALLY available!!!!

Seattle Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late." Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.

Bellevue Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a long-haired foreign lapdog named "Honey." Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.

Tacoma Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops.

Everett Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus.

Monroe Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.

Puyallup Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.

Vashon Island Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.

Olympia Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer.

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  • At 10:55 AM, Blogger Laura said…

    I had no idea Washington was so..er...versatile.
    Happy Easter!!

  • At 10:16 PM, Anonymous Lily said…

    It's true, I find this very funny. In my last week as a Seattle resident and all. Cue leaving music :-) It all seems very...accurate.

  • At 9:20 AM, Blogger Jessica said…

    Ok if I lived in WA I am sure I would get it, the thing is that I don't live in WA and I think I do get it. It's funny! I needed that today!

  • At 3:16 PM, Anonymous Allison said…

    I wonder when Louisiana Barbie's will be available. i guess some are stuck in Houston.

  • At 5:44 AM, Blogger Viper said…

    laura, soon, I shall return to the fold.

  • At 5:45 AM, Blogger Viper said…

    Jessica, yep, it's a Cliff Notes version of the people up there.

  • At 5:53 AM, Blogger Viper said…

    allison, I didn't get your post until I saw your blog. Yeah, I'm a little retarded but just to a debilitating degree.

  • At 5:02 AM, Anonymous Mez said…


  • At 3:03 PM, Blogger John said…

    Heh, I heard these on the radio the other day...and I live in Monroe.


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