THE BAD SET DECODER RING

For all you would be comedians, I found this very entertaining if not utterly vulgar so be warned.

I actually met this guy in New York. He's was the pudgy white guy in the Dave Chapelle Show skit spoofing The Real World. He played the only white guy in a house full of black people.

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By Christian Finnegan
www.christianfinnegan.com

Every once in a while, I like to share a bit of wisdom with those just starting out in the world of stand-up comedy. I figure it’s the least I can do for a community that has given me so…well, I’m sure it’s given me something. Anyway, I offer you new comics this advice: when you bomb (and trust me, you will bomb–repeatedly), your peers will react to you in a variety of ways. It’s important you learn to decipher these “friendly” comments, so as to determine what is well-intentioned critique (10%) and what is bitter, self-centered assholery (90%).

Here is a short list of things a fellow comic might say to you after a not-so-spectacular set, followed by what each comment truly means. Please keep in mind that I am guilty of having used all of these platitudes at one time or another, and I’m quite certain other comics have used them on me. Enjoy!

POST-SHOW COMMENT: “Good job.”

TRANSLATION: You were a forgettable part of a lackluster evening. I am complimenting you only because I have a vague notion that you performed and now we’ve found ourselves standing around the bar, socializing with the same group of people. I remember that you weren’t offensively bad, but if you asked me right now what I liked about your set, I’d probably say something vague, like “You said something up top that I really loved,” and then excuse myself to go to the men’s room.

POST-SHOW COMMENT: “The crowd really sucked tonight.”

TRANSLATION: I like you as a person, so I am going to help you shift the blame for what just transpired off of your either half-written or over-written jokes and non-existent stage presence to a group of people whose only crime was to spend their hard-earned money and time trying to be entertained by you.

POST-SHOW COMMENT: “Hey, how much time are we supposed to do?”

TRANSLATION: Thanks for going way over your allotted fucking time, asshole. There are seven other comics on the lineup, you goddamn prima donna, including ME! And with every moment that passes before I go up, the chances of the already-dwindling audience calling it a night increases, thereby robbing me of the opportunity to validate my career choice. And don’t give me that “I didn’t see the light” bullshit—I saw you acknowledge the light, and then you went ahead and did another ten minutes. Just because your closer didn’t get laughs, that doesn’t mean you get to keep toggling through bits until you elicit a chuckle substantial enough to slink offstage. You went way over your time and I want to let you know it. Of course, I’m putting my condemnation in the form of a question, so as to deny personal accountability.

POST-SHOW COMMENT: “You’ve really been getting better lately.”

TRANSLATION: Despite my having written you off as someone who will do nothing for the world of comedy other than clog up the works, tonight you somehow managed to make me laugh in spite of myself. Still, because of my deep-seeded resentment for anyone trying to succeed in my chosen field, I’m unable to pay you a straightforward compliment. Therefore, I will subtly imply that, for you, being funny is not the norm, while simultaneously positing myself as someone whose respect and judgment should mean something to you.

POST-SHOW COMMENT: “Brought out the classics tonight, huh?”

TRANSLATION: When the fuck are you going to write some new material? I just wasted eight precious minutes of my life listening to you tell jokes I heard you tell four years ago. And let’s be honest, here: your ‘gold’ ain’t all that golden, something I hope to underscore by my use of the mock-grandiose “classics.”

POST-SHOW COMMENT: “A couple of those bits I hadn’t heard before.”

TRANSLATION: When the fuck are you going to write some new material? The fact that I isolated a “couple” of new bits is meant to convey just how rarely you come up with anything new. Also, note that I never suggested that these “new bits” were the least bit funny.

POST-SHOW COMMENT: “I didn’t see your set. How did it go?”

TRANSLATION: I absolutely saw your set and you ate a dick. In fact, getting a blowjob in front of my mother would be less awkward than witnessing the comedic dirty bomb you just unleashed on the audience. Luckily, I’m reasonably confident you didn’t see me standing in the back of the room, so I can get away with claiming to not have seen your set, rather than force us both to acknowledge how awful you were (and are, if you want my honest opinion). I’m also asking how your set went because I’m curious to see what your response will be. I’m kind of hoping you’ll claim it went really well, so when I meet up with my friends at the bar later, we can have a good laugh at what a deluded fuck you are.

Let's All Shop at Sears!

Another golden nugget I found recently:

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"I assume you have all seen the reports about how Sears is treating its reservist employees who are called up? By law, they are required to hold their jobs open and available, but nothing more. Usually, people take a big pay cut and lose benefits as a result of being called up...Sears is voluntarily paying the difference in salaries and maintaining all benefits, including medical insurance and bonus programs, for all called up reservist employees for up to two years. I submit that Sears is an exemplary corporate citizen and should be recognized for its contribution.

Suggest we all shop at Sears, and be sure to find a manager to tell them why we are there so the company gets the positive reinforcement it well deserves.

So I decided to check it out before I sent it forward. I sent the following email to the Sears Customer Service Department:

...I received this email and I would like to know if it is true. If it is, the Internet may have just become one very good source of advertisement for your store. I know I would go out of my way to buy products from Sears instead of another store for a like item even if it was cheaper at the other store.

Here is their answer to my email......................

"Dear Customer:
Thank you for contacting Sears

The information is factual. We appreciate your positive feedback. Sears regards service to our country as one of greatest sacrifices our young men and women can make. We are happy to do our part to lessen the burden they bear at this time.

Bill Thorn
Sears Customer Care
webcenter@sears.com
1-800-349-4358"

25 Un-Sexiest Women

I stole it from TWM who stole it from Will Hettinger but it was too good not to pass up. I left off the pics but if you want to see them, go back to the orginal post.

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Will Hettinger We all saw the list of the 100 Unsexiest Men Alive, and now it’s a man’s turn to fire back on behalf of Gilbert Gottfried, Jay Leno, Brad Pitt, and Ric Flair.

1) Rosie O’Donnell- Do I really need to explain this one? I know that she’s a lesbian, which should in theory make her that much hotter, but the thought of having sex with Rosie is about as appealing as getting kicked in the nuts by David Beckham. Rosie O’Donnell is about as sexy as a UPS truck.

2) Janet Reno- Janet Reno is not sexy. I swear to God. When Will Ferrell impersonated her on Saturday Night Live, he was a sexier woman than she is. There are male high school janitors with more sex appeal than Janet Reno.

3) Caroline Rhea- It’s hard not to look sexy when surrounded by fat people on The Biggest Loser, but she pulls it off.

4) Kathy Griffin- It could be the terrible voice, the Carrot Top hair, or the neck like a Redwood, or maybe it’s all three. Kathy Griffin is the boner’s only natural enemy.

5) Ann Coulter- Full of anger, and not in the good way, Ann Coulter is scary to even talk about let alone sleep with. Where do we begin with Ann Coulter? She jokes about bombing the New York Times Building, she bashes her fellow women every chance she gets, and she has an Adam’s apple the size of a softball. Anne Coulter is sexy like Hitler or Attila the Hun was sexy.

6) Barbara Walters- I guess it would be cool to do it with the women who was on the scene when they repealed prohibition, but not cool enough to ever tell anyone about it.

7) Starr Jones- Oh look everyone! Now that she lost six hundred pounds from that bypass surgery, she’s suddenly sexy. I speak for men everywhere when I say we’re not buying it. Thanks, but no thanks.

8) Connie Chung- Her husband is Maury Povich. And she married up. Ouch.

9) Debra Jo Rupp- In the running with Genghis Kahn and Alfred Hitchcock for the least sexy name in history award, Kitty Foreman looks exactly like you would expect her to look. Like a baked potato.

10) Hillary Clinton- Let’s put it like this; so incredibly unattractive that her husband cheated on her with Monica Lewinsky.

11) Yoko Ono- Breaking up the Beatles = Not so sexy.

12) Martha Stewart- How intimidating would that be? Doing it with the “domestic diva”/ ex-con would be like showing up naked to college admissions interview; getting judged on so many levels.

13) Barry Bonds- After years of steroid use filled his body with estrogen and ravaged his manhood, Barry Bonds is most certainly a woman. And he is most certainly an un-sexy one, at that.

14) Cameron Manheim- I think after the nineteenth earring, things just went a little cold. Or maybe it’s the fact that she could kick the shit out of 90 percent of the people she meets. It’s one or the other.

15) Courtney Love- Quick Rule of Thumb: Women who look like they just woke up at a bus stop tend to be the antithesis of sexy.

16) Jodie Sweetin- It’s hard to look sexy when you spend your whole life being compared to the Olsen Twins and Candace Cameron, and that whole meth thing really didn’t help.

17) Cynthia Nixon- See Kathy Griffin.

18) Brigitte Nielsen- Put some clothes on before I vomit all over myself…Too late.

19) Flavor of Love Girls- Something about going on a Bachelor-type reality show to compete for the affection of a washed up rapper just screams “Daddy problems!” And it also gets you a spot on the un-sexy list. If it don’t apply, let it fly.

20) Alanis Morissette- Complaining so much is just a turn off. Also, when your biggest hit is a song about getting even with a guy who cheated on you, the law of averages says you are probably more psycho than sexy.

21) Kirstie Alley- I think that for the writers of Cheers to believe that former Major League Pitcher/Current bar owner/Stud Sam Malone would be attracted to Kirstie Alley is an insult to the collective intelligence of America.

22) Pamela Anderson- This not to say I would dream of turning her down. It’s just a little overdone at this point.

23) Nicole Richie- She wasn’t sexy when she was a heroin addict, she wasn’t sexy as Paris Hilton’s chubby sidekick, and she certainly isn’t sexy in her latest incarnation: paper thin disaster waiting to happen.

24) Jenna Jameson- If it was easy, everyone would be doing it…oh, wait…

25) Katie Holmes- When she was Joey on Dawson’s Creek, she would have been miles from this list. But I think having Tom Cruises’ baby makes her un-sexy solely by association. Sorry.

Cabezas del Ca Ca

Here I am, anger-blogging.

OK, so I just heard that the Senate voted to make English the official language of the United States of America.

Well no shit, Einsteins, what else would it be?

You would think that it taking until 2006, a mere 230 years, before they got around to this would be the spark to my powder keg. But what really pissed me off is that the vote was 63 to 34!!!!

This means that 34 buffoons voted AGAINST, and I'm typing slowly so read this part carefully if you will, ENGLISH BEING THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF THE UNTIED STATES!!!

God, I wish I was making that up. Thirty-four elected officials found some reason to oppose making... I can't stand to type it again.

Even though it looks like they voted along party lines, the fact still remains that two Republicans, one Independent, and 32 Demo-Idiots were naysayers.

I find that insulting.

Too Good Not To Steal

Thanks, WayCoolRob:

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

And, Remember:

1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

2. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

3. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

4. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Fat People Shouldn't Mess With Me

I was waiting in line in a Kinko's today waiting to be called over to the counter when all the sudden a very obese woman waddled right past me and up to the counter (actually, her stomach was up to the counter. Her head was about 3 feet back).

She turned to me and said very condescendingly, "Were you in line?"

"Yes, I was" I said neutrally.

As she waddled off irritated, she mumbled, "... because you were just STANDING there..."

I turned to her (not hard to do) and said "I was waiting to be called forward. It's called being polite. I will ensure it doesn't happen again."

I took care of my business and as I turned around to go find my daughter and leave, she sneered at me, "Asshole."

Without a break, I looked at her and said,

"Look, Lulu, that might be true but you know what? Tomorrow, I might wake up and be a great guy. But you, YOU will undoubtedly still be fat. Probably even FATTER. So burn a few calories and waddle up, you're holding up the line."

Guest Poster

So, I'm sitting at Viper's computer checky-checkin my email when I decided that maybe I would update my own blog- you know, let everyone know I made it to Virginia alright. I clicked on the Blogger button and lo and behold! Seems as though Viper's already logged in.

You mean... I could... WHERE DO I BEGIN!?

Then my morals got the best of me and I decided against it. All I can say is you're lucky there, Viper.

~Killjoy

Here Ya Go, Pilgrim

For you John Wayne fans, here's a little something dripping with patriotism. And I mean DRIPPING.

I Would Vomit But I'm Too Pissed Off!!!

Now they've done it. I've tried to be civil during my 19 years in the Marine Corps towards the other services but the Air Farce stepped over the line this time.

OK, you're uniforms suck, I will give you that but now you are trying to steal what is the most identifiable symbol of the Marine Corps: the Dress Blues!!!

You are not Marines. As Killjoy nailed the comparison, Marines are the smart jocks you remember hanging out in the popular crowd. You are the nerds who got beat up every day.

And don't give me any of your special forces crap. Yeah, you have some quality warriors just like we have some lovable geeks but across the board, come on. You know the score.

So now you are copying our most sacred example of the Cloth of Our Nation? Don't you think that MOST of your airmen will hate wearing what everyone in the known Universe will deem as an Air Force costume of Marine Corps Dress Blues? And those that don't, have deluded themselves into thinking they are Marines or at least as militarily superior as we are (go ahead, argue the point, I dare you!)

Come on, the buttons? The high collar? The cut of the uniform? Are you going to claim you came up with it or will you claim that you deserve the same cut as the Marines? Marines have soaked that uniform with a reputation that is second to none. The Marine Corps Dress Blues have been so imbued with professionalism and epic military prowess that it has become indistinguishable with "MARINE."

You want to tap into that? You want to STEAL that association?

Well guess what, Bluebird, it takes more than the uniform. Take a close look at these pictures and you tell me if you really think putting on the costume makes you the warrior. Look me in the eye and tell me these senior Officers look right in Marine-esque Dress Blues.

Now how do you think your Airmen will feel?

Answer: Trick-or-treat.

This Guy Is My Hero!

I ain't sayin' it's right but I gotta tip my hat to the guy. I could TOTALLY use this!!!

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No green light for driver with traffic signal gadget

LONGMONT, Colorado (AP) -- A man who said he bought a device that allowed him to change stop lights from red to green received a $50 ticket for suspicion of interfering with a traffic signal.

Jason Niccum of Longmont, Colorado, said the device, which he bought on eBay for $100, helped him cut his time driving to work.

"I guess in the two years I had it, that thing paid for itself," he told the Daily Times-Call on Wednesday.

Niccum was issued a citation March 29 after police said they found him using a strobe-like device to change traffic signals. Police confiscated the device.

"I'm always running late," police quoted Niccum as saying in an incident report.

The device, called an Opticon, is similar to what firefighters use to change lights when they respond to emergencies. It emits an infrared pulse that receivers on the traffic lights pick up.

Niccum was cited after city traffic engineers who noticed repeated traffic light disruptions at certain intersections spotted a white Ford pickup passing by whenever the patterns were disrupted.

City traffic engineer Joe Olson said engineers plan to update the city's Opticon system this year to block unauthorized light-changing signals.

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Carmex

Thanks, Lily, for the links.

1. Carmex "addiction"

2. For a small time operation, it sure does have an informative webpage.

How To Fold To A Shirt

I can actually do this.

I think it's cool but I'm a geek.

Bobby Knight

I hate the bastard but he makes a hell of a Marine Corps pitch.

Brooklyn Starbucks Classic

How would you like to try to help this guy?

Happy Mother's Day

Me, my brother, and just about every other pair of brothers who have ever lived.

I Should Just Go Ahead And Laminate This

Laughed Until I Cried

I dare you not to enjoy this:

Not Fair

We are picking up Killjoy and the Weezer along the way to Seattle next month. They wanted to road trip with us as we move so we agreed to pick them up and have them come along. The dates were set and then suddenly, there's some big picnic that the Weezer was looking forward to but it was the day after we were supposed to pick them up and leave.

Here is the picture and caption I, the decision-maker, was sent:

Claire when I told her we might not get to go to the Parish Picnic.

(We are staying the extra day. Duh!)

You Be The Judge

From the last post, you tell me:

Only In My Dreams, Honey. Really, I never touched her.

I don't know what genetic mutant silliness would create an Australian/French mix from a supermodel look EXACTLY like a half-Mexican, half German/Irish/English kid from Kansas but folks, I'm here to tell you, the kid in the picture is a dead ringer for me as a kid.

I will forgo the obvious joke about the general desire to be where he's been. Then again, I guess I didn't.

Me Spoiled? Probably.

Apparently if you have more than 40 your spoiled.

Do you have:
(1) your own cell phone
(2) a television in your bedroom
(3) an iPod
( ) a photo printer
( ) your own phone line
(4) TiVo or a generic digital video recorder
(5) high-speed internet access (i.e., not dialup)
( ) a surround sound system in bedroom
(6) DVD player in bedroom
( ) at least a hundred DVDs
(7) a childfree bathroom
( ) your own in-house office
( ) a pool
( ) a guest house
( ) a game room
(8) a queen-size bed or larger
( ) a stocked bar
(9) a working dishwasher
(10) an icemaker
(11) a working washer and dryer
( ) more than 20 pairs of shoes
( ) at least ten things from a designer store
(12) expensive sunglasses
( ) framed original art (not lithographs or prints)
( ) Egyptian cotton sheets or towels
(13) a multi-speed bike
(14) a gym membership
(15) large exercise equipment at home
(16) your own set of golf clubs
( ) a pool table
( ) a tennis court
( ) local access to a lake, large pond, or the sea
( ) your own pair of skis
(17) enough camping gear for a weekend trip in an isolated area
( ) a boat
( ) a jet ski
( ) a neighborhood committee membership
( ) a beach house or a vacation house/cabin
(18) wealthy family members
(19) two or more family cars
(20) a walk-in closet or pantry
(21) a yard
( ) a hammock
(22) a personal trainer
(23) good credit
( ) expensive jewelry
( ) a designer bag that required being on a waiting list to get
( ) at least $100 cash in your possession right now
(24) more than two credit cards bearing your name (not counting gas cards or debit cards)
( ) a stock portfolio
( ) a passport
( ) a horse
( ) a trust fund (either for you or created by you)
(25) private medical insurance
(26) a college degree, and no outstanding student loans

Do you:
( ) shop for non-needed items for yourself (like clothes, jewelry, electronics) at least once a week
( ) do your regular grocery shopping at high-end or specialty stores
( ) pay someone else to clean your house, do dishes, or launder your clothes (not counting dry-cleaning)
( ) go on weekend mini-vacations
(27) send dinners back with every flaw
( ) wear perfume or cologne
( ) regularly get your hair styled or nails done in a salon
( ) have a job but don't need the money OR
( ) stay at home with little financial sacrifice
( ) pay someone else to cook your meals
( ) pay someone else to watch your children or walk your dogs
( ) regularly pay someone else to drive you taxis
( ) expect a gift after you fight with your partner

Are you:
( ) an only child
( ) married/partnered to a wealthy person
(28) baffled/surprised when you don't get your way

Have you:
(29) been on a cruise
(30) traveled out of the country
(31) met a celebrity
( ) been to the Caribbean
( ) been to Europe
(32) been to Hawaii
(33) been to New York
(34) eaten at the space needle in Seattle
( ) been to the Mall of America
( ) been on the Eiffel tower in Paris
(35) been on the Statue of Liberty in New York
( ) moved more than three times because you wanted to
( ) dined with local political figures
(36) been to both the Atlantic coast and the Pacific coast

Did you:
( ) go to another country for your honeymoon
( ) hire a professional photographer for your wedding or party
( ) take riding or swimming lessons as a child
( ) attend private school
( ) have a Sweet 16 birthday party thrown for you

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But... but .... I AM SPOILED!!!! I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM!