OK, So Here's The Deal...

A Marine Major, Running Fool, and All-Around Smart-Ass.

Friday, August 12, 2005

PWT, er, I mean "C" County Fair

I have complained a lot about living in the hickiest fucking place imaginable. Now I got proof.

You’re going to think I made this up but I didn’t. They are having a fair here and the theme? “Go Hog Wild!”

I swear, it’ that bad. No, in fact, it's worse.

Cue the banjo.......

We’ll start with Billy Currington. He seems to be the headliner and I’ve never heard of him. I don’t even want to research it. But the pic kind of says it all.


It gets worse. Here is the line up:

A band called (my God, can this be real?): Povertyneck Hillbillies.

And once your hankerin’ for that is all took care of, wander over to see the Truck and Tractor Pull. Still can’t get enough? We gots a Mud Bog!

Still not enough, we gotcha covered: Garden Tractor Pull.

Oh, and don’t miss the PWTest of them all, the Demolition Derby.

Yeeeeee hawwwwwww!!!!


Now let’s turn to the talent. We already covered Billy Bob above but alas, there’s more. We got the Hambone Express (pig races)—three shows daily, I shit you not.

There’s a mandatory Civil War Display of course and yes, that’s a major headliner for this travesty.

But I’ve saved the best for last. You might want to shield the children’s eyes for this one.

There is a magic show, folks. Come see the Magic of Virgil!!!

As horrendous a name “Virgil” is for a magician, it does not even compare to the pic they have for it. Folks, this is the quintessential mullet-sporting talent around these parts.


I just can’t get over this pic. Is it how Virgil looks or the pose he’s going for. Or is it the pose of the woman. I’m just hypnotized by this but not in the way a magician should evoke.

I think Virgil is scared. I think Virgil is thinking about pulling a rabbit out of the hat. I think Virgil has a lot to tell mommy when he gets home. I think Virgil will be scrubbing his hands late at night, crying.

If you can tear yourself away from Virgil and his dead sexy assistant, you have the option of going to see….



THE BULL RUN CLOGGERS!!!!!

Now settle down folks, there will be room for everyone!!!

Please help me, I’m trapped in Hee Haw.

(and just in case you still have an inkling that this is a late night Mexican dinner-induced Hellscape of a nightmare, here is the link. No folks, it’s the real deal.)

Last thought: You gotta be shittin’ me 20 ways till Sunday!!!

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23 Comments:

  • At 7:27 PM, Blogger Ryan said…

    You make fun of the banjo, ret trumpet to the heavens the fact that you like Sarah McLaughlin. I'm not saying I'm not a fan of Sarah, but there is a great side to bluegrass. It isn't music that toothlessness is a prerequisite for listening to any more. If you don't believe me investigate Nickel Creek. Listen to a few songs, then tell me you still feel that banjos call to mind the image a a whisky-drunk shoeless man drinving a pickup truck head on at 3 racing pigs (er, something like that).

    P.S. I wouldn't expect someone who doesn't appreciate Sarah (I'm on a first name basis much as you), to appreciate Nickel Creek anyway.

     
  • At 6:50 AM, Blogger Killjoy said…

    I kinda agree. I love Bluegrass. Just last night in Borders they were playing it and I loved that I knew nearly every song.

     
  • At 7:13 AM, Anonymous Floyd said…

    Sir, PLZ don't tell me that this is what I have to look forward to on weekends at The Big Suck. You might see a crying candidate if you do.

     
  • At 7:49 AM, Blogger Ryan said…

    If by The Big Suck you mean OCS I am looking forward to a steak then 12 hours of sleep and some cell phone usage for my weekends. I won't be too concerned with athything that is actually going on.

     
  • At 1:30 PM, Blogger Viper said…

    Ryan,

    Were you drunk again when you posted? Crack?

    I like the banjo just fine but it was not specifically the target here. Hell, I never even mentioned Bluegrass unless Billy and the Povertyluck Hillbillies sing it.

    Pardon me while I finish rolling around laughing at "Povertyluck Hillbillies...

    And I don't care how good Nickel Creek is, as I'm sure they are, the Deliverance movie forever and a day chained the banjo to hickdom.

    And you're P.S....you are going to college, right? You wanna give it another shot? I think I've proven my Sarah fetish. In fact, in reference the the first line, I HAVE (I'm assuming "let") trumpet the fact.

     
  • At 1:32 PM, Blogger Viper said…

    Floyd,

    I'm afraid it's true. I wish this was a figmant of my demented, run-fried mind but it's all depressingly true.

    I hope you don't have a pretty mouth.

     
  • At 1:33 PM, Blogger Viper said…

    Ryan,

    You nailed it.

    Food, baths, sleep, phone, movies.

    That was OCS libo.

     
  • At 3:21 PM, Anonymous Floyd said…

    Capt. G,
    I have no clue what the pretty mouth thing means haha(not sure I want to). I was actually puttin the carriage before the horse and talking about TBS(rumor has it you have real free time vs OCS). Running is becoming more fun now, to bad I get weird looks when I start calling out the cadence from my MP3 player haha.

     
  • At 4:00 PM, Blogger Ryan said…

    Sir,

    My first name basis is derived not as much from pure obsession as yours. It is half from a great appreciation for the music (I only OWN one of her CD's, (sorry, I'm kinda poor, after spending so much on running shoes), and half from my self conscieneness (newly reinforced by you sir) about my complete inability to spell.

     
  • At 4:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Scarey stuff, I thought the pig races were bad at the LA county fair

    Chris

     
  • At 4:55 PM, Blogger mistyblue3 said…

    LOL viper. That magic guy is totally creepy.. I bet he has a collection of barbie doll heads in a box under his bed. YIKES. The girl is kind of spooky too. Did ya go? did ya? did ya??


    misty

     
  • At 7:41 PM, Blogger a.maria said…

    Viper... what the hell is OCS.

    and seriously, virgil and his uh... side-kick... they're like a train-wreck... you hate to look, but you just cant stop.

    its horrific.

     
  • At 9:07 PM, Blogger Killjoy said…

    My husband, a TBS instructor, wants to know what free time you're talking about there, Floyd. He leaves at 0400 and gets home about 2200.

     
  • At 9:17 PM, Blogger Ghostrider said…

    This is Floyd, Killjoy it was just a rumor I heard from a couple of guys that just finished up at TBS. Sry for clutterin up ur blog comments Capt. G. I just started my own blog a few hrs ago.

     
  • At 7:19 AM, Blogger Killjoy said…

    I'm not sorry for cluttering up your blog, G. Can I just call ya, G? Word, G. Say, when are you going to get your other blog caught up there, G?

     
  • At 8:15 AM, Blogger Viper said…

    Floyd,

    You do have more time at TBS, at least compared to OCS. But all I ever did was sleep, study, drink coffee, and go to movies on the weekend.

    You are too tired to hit the bar scene on the weekends (at least for an old married guy like me) so you go to coffee bars and juice yourself up to stay awake and enjoy the sweet liberty. All week you dream of time to sleep and then when you get a chance, you hype yourself up with coffee to stop the fatigue.

     
  • At 8:19 AM, Blogger Viper said…

    Misty,

    The only way I would even consider going is just for blog fodder. But I don't think I'd last. It would just be too much for my patience to handle.

    Who knows, I might come home dancin' a jig with a sprig of wheat hanging out of my mouth and a newly discovered affinity for bluegrass and my sister.

     
  • At 8:25 AM, Blogger Viper said…

    a.maria,

    Thank you!!! Finally, somone who can truly appreciate the complete wrongness of Virgil and his pin-up-wannabe. You are exactly right, you have to look. And look again. It's just such a ripple in reality.

    Speaking of ripples in reality, OCS is Officer Candidate School. All potential Marine Corps officers must attend and it's kind of like bootcamp for officers. I went to the 6 week version during a college summer because I was part of the NROTC (and an active duty Sergeant). There is another program where college kids can go to two 6 week courses (but don't have to do the ROTC thing) or they can go to one combined 10 week course.

    They all suck and are meant to. Watch the first half of Full Metal Jacket to get a taste of how they are treated.

     
  • At 8:26 AM, Blogger Viper said…

    Killjoy,

    Yeah, like you TALK to your husband.

    Riiiiiiiight.

     
  • At 8:30 AM, Blogger Viper said…

    Killjoy,

    Why do you insist on treating my comment board as "Killjoy's Social Club?" See, now you got Ghostrider joining in. This is NOT your fishing hole for young college studs.

    Ghostrider, get in line. Ryan has dibs.

    And lastly, may I point out that Killjoy is a nearly transparent redhead which makes the pairing of her and "Ghostrider" so funny that I think I may have pulled something.

     
  • At 10:42 AM, Blogger Killjoy said…

    VV, I mean, G!, I'm so forwarding your link to a certain someone. And I DO believe you know to whom I'm referring.
    Signed,
    ~The President of Killjoy's Social Club. Where the party is always gathered - at G!'s house.

     
  • At 12:49 PM, Blogger Ghostrider said…

    Hahahahaha I you guys are too funny. Juiced up on coffee, I could begin to like this whole blogging community thing. Party at my blog. Im glad my blog name has been so wel recieved. It's actually a nickname bestowed upon me by an old SSGT. I look up to.

     
  • At 6:40 AM, Blogger Viper said…

    Ok, Ok, Killjoy. You win.

    Stand down. I repeat, STAND DOWN!

     

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