HERE WE GO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my God, here, listen to this and tell me it don't just ROCK your world.

Copyrights be damned!!

I Did It... Er... DIDN'T Do It

I went camping and never took a shit while I was there, albeit it was just under 24 hours.

YES!

If you saw the state of the outhouse, you'd understand.

But I did visit the house-o-nasty before turning in last night which required the use of a flashlight lest I trip and bash my teeth in during the walk over.

I set the flashlight down, beam up, did my business, and couldn't help it. I just HAD to shine that light down into the hole.

It was just that pissing into a black hole, hearing the splatter a half-dozen feet down, and having a flashlight right there was just too much to resist. And before you judge, you KNOW you'd of done the exact same thing!

What did I see?

What you would expect me to see.

And let me just go ahead and admit that if something would have been looking back up at me in the moment I shone that bean down to the bowel of Hell, (the possibility did tickle my mind in the moment before I looked), I would have ran screaming like a little bitch!!!!

What I Battle

The Pringles, well, I don't like tht flavor. But the Cup Cakes... the sweet sweet cup cakes. The chocolate bars .... oh bars de chocolate....

The crackers in the middle were just there to offset the sugary indulgence of the cup cakes and the Hershey's.

All post-camping fodder but they sit there, just as you seee them, tempting me.

Evil bastards.

Thanks Killjoy

For giving me the Blogging Blues. Way to pass it on.

I don't know what the deal is, people. Maybe my last post was so damn funny that it sucked the funny out of the rest of the week.

I sat here trying to think of what to post and trying very very very very hard not to post anything about Britney Spears' baby. I completely refused until I saw the first three headlines to the entertainment news:

1. Zellweger and Chesney split
2. Ecstatic Britney has baby boy
3. Gossip: Is Paris straying wtih Scott?

I had to break from my vow to point out the first thing that came to my mind when I read all that:

WHO GIVES A SHIT? HALF A SHIT? ANY PORTION OF A SHIT WHETHER MEASURED IN STANDARD OR METRIC SYSTEMS?

See, now I've got the blogging blues AND I'm all pissed off. I even had to apologize for the snappiest of all snappy comeback lines on a comment from my other blog that I can't even repeat, lest I repeat the jackassery.

And how can I be tired when I've skipped my last three days of workouts?

That's rhetorical, people... HELLO!!!!!!

OK, we're getting nowhere here. I'm out.....

God, I Wish I Was Kidding

Need more proof I live in Spotsyltucky; the back-woods-banjo center of the Hickiverse?

This was on the back page of the Region section of the local Sunday paper.



This was the caption (again, I'm NOT kidding!):

'Fatty McNasty' (right) waits in the corner of the ring for his competitor, the 'Confederate Warrior' during a match Thursday night at the Fredericksburg Agricultural Fair. They're part of the entertainment wrestling group that trains in Louisa.

My Top Ten Comments:

1. Holy McShit.
2. That's three, count them THREE sets of tits on one man.
3. I don't think 'Fatty McNasty' was "waiting in the corner". I think Fatty was trying to desperately locate some much needed McOxygen.
4. Did they really have to point out the "(right)" as though we would be unable to determine which one of these two was dubbed "Fatty McNasty"?
5. Confederate Warrior. Yep, ain't no tangle around these parts without a Civil War reference.
6. Fredericksburg Agricultural Fair? Is there any other kind of fair other than "agricultural"?
7. There is something on Fatty's arm. I don't know what it is. I don't want to know. Maybe a ribbon to remind him to eat his helping of babies after the show.
8. In the paper next to this picture was the headline to the article: Fair: Organizers consider emphasizing livestock events. I think they just did.
9. You think it's bad looking at this, the Confederate Warrior had to sink his arms into that huge bucket of shit.
10. For the love all that is good in this world would someone help me get the hell out of this cartoon of a region?

Funny

"Dear Lord," the minister began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that silent, awkward moment when he paused for a breath, one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Dead People

Today I tried to dig another hole for my dogshit project (Doggy Dooly). But alas, I came to more clay less than a foot down and determined that my backyard was just not gonna play. No drainy means the shit-water-leeching mixture would just sit there smelling REAL good a foot down rather than soak in.

I mentioned this to my wife who was talking to Neighbor Lady With 100 Cats and she told me that they had lived here a long time and came across the same thing. (Thanks for the heads up, by the way).

But here is the more interesting (interestinger?) conversation.

Seems the Battle of Chancellorville was fought RIGHT HERE!!! She said she wouldn't be surprised if there were DEAD BODIES under our yards!!!

Great. So I have Civil War bodies rotting under my yard. Good thing I'm not prone to being spook...

(get out!)

WHAT WAS THAT????????

A Seriously Funny Email Exchange

This pretty much speaks for itself but just in case, this is an email exchange between me and a guy I used to know briefly a long time ago when we were both young Marines. I've hidden his name just to be nice. We'll call him .... Bill.

(Please read to the end, it's classic)

----------------------

Hi Jason,

On this rather quiet afternoon here at the office I decided to Google a few names of fellow jarheads from way back. So I entered Brian Rebello, and ended up on your site.

With great interest I read your Gulf War pages and checked out the pictures ... I found a lot of familiar names there: Mabe, Machowski, Accord, Mortensen. I remember those guys from the '89 & '90 Westpacs out of Yuma I went on.

Why am I thinking we met? (I'll be 40 this year so forgive my failin' memory) Anyway, I saw the pic of your wonderful family. See if I look familiar: (website removed).

Sincerely,

Bill
----------------------

Bill,

Yes, we were in 650 together but you left shortly after I arrived. You went on float but before that, I remember a shop party where we went out somewhere and had a bon fire and afterwards had a late night dinner at a western-style restaurant in town, as a drunk group. You pissed off your girlfriend by going on about the general attractiveness of my wife (ha).

Anyway, here are some updates of people you might/might not have known:

Mark Seymon just retired a First Sergeant after 23 years. He, his wife, and three daughters live in Jacksonville, NC. He is selling cars now.

Brandon Scott is now a Gunny and runs 650 in Cherry Pitt. Currently he is in Iraq.

Mike Machowski now runs 650 in Yuma. I think he's a Gunny too.

Eric Baarstad got out and is now a techrep for 650 in Yuma.

Sal Corvo just retired from techrep'in. He was in Cherry Point and Mark says he was EXACTLY as he ALWAYS was even this many years later: serious, driven, white smock, a variety of tiny tools in his breast pocket, and willing to jump into any piece of gear. Mark said that when Mark retired, Sal came up to him and simply said he was proud of him and to Mark, this was the biggest praise he had ever received.

Brian Rebello is out and married a Mormon. Deep into it as I hear.

Mike Mabe got out and as I hear, married an absolute knock-out.

Benny Accord is out and Shane recently heard from him that he's doing OK.

Bo Mortenson is also out and I think he's working for his dad in Phoenix. Shane talked to him recently and he is a self-professed "big fat guy" but still does the drinking and skirt-chasing. Same old Bo.

Rob Doyle (620) got out after the war and is now a doctor.

I don't know if you knew Shane Maxey (big mean red-headed freckled DI). If so, he got out and finished up his career in the Army and now resides in Boise running their National Guard unit.

I stayed in 650 until after the war, did a MEU-SOC pump, and then got picked up for the MECEP program as a Sergeant. I went to UW in Seattle, got commissioned, and was assigned as the Adjutant for First Tank Battalion. I then moved up to Regiment (7th Marines) before getting hooked up with the Special Education Program where they sent me to the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, CA for two years. Came out with a master's in IT and am now halfway through a 4 year payback tour in Quantico as a program manager for a web-based training tracking program for Training and Education Command, Formal Schools Training Branch. This leads me right up to retirement in 2007 when I'll head back to Seattle and get a picked fence for my wife and two kids.

If I think of any more, I'll send you email.

Meanwhile, check out my blog where I dump most of the contents of my head. I have so much, I have to use two blogs to do it. (Note, that's not a horn-blowing of my intelligence, just a statement that there is some wild shit up there!!!)

http://grose.us/blog3/

and

http://vipersden.blogspot.com/

-- Jason

----------------------

Hi Jason,

Woah, there's an opening paragraph... What a horrendous way to be remembered (ha) Almost wish I hadn't sent the email. Sounds like this was late '89. Excuse the drunken ramblings of a young punk (at the time). By the way, considering how the "relationship" with my "girlfriend" ended, I don't feel so bad...

Thank for the update - fun to read the where-are-they-now blurbs.

Congrats on an impressive career!

All the best

Bill

----------------------

Bill,

Well, I left out the part where you grabbed her knee under the table. She didn't even tell me that until a few years ago. I guess it's been long enough and I can see you've become a decent guy that I don't have to hold that against you.

How did that relationship end, anyway?

Thanks for the congrats. It seems like I've been through two full sets of friends that have come and gone out of the Marine Corps. Most of the officers I started with are also out. Talk about the last man standing!!

Jason D. Grose

----------------------

Oh that's just wonderful... quite an impression I made.

Seriously I wish I hadn't sent that first email ... ugh.. I don't remember that at all and I wish it had stayed that way :-(

Please accept my apologies (again)

That "relationship" w/ my "girlfriend" at the time ended with her taking off with (and doing) another guy when it became apparent I was going on Westpac for 6 months

Sometimes it is best to leave the past in the past.

All the best,

Bill

Something Else From My Brother

The guy doesn't say much but when he does...



















The caption says: When in deep trouble, say nothing and look inconspicuous...

My brother says:

Now this is one cool muutha*&%$er He’s the Samuel L Jackson of foxes. He’s like the black guy who walks into an all-white bar.

Another gem from my brother.

Gilligan's Dead

While we're mourning the dead, I just saw that Bob Denver went on a "for-ever-tour."

Dude, Gilligan was 70! Which puts him even past the Millionaire and his wife!

This led me to look up his site and yes, he had one along with many of the other castaways. It was kinda of sad too but you could get a lot of merchandise. Ug.

But maybe they should take down this link from Gilligan's site:

Ask Bob - Got a question for Bob? Get an answer! Then take a minute to look at the Top 10 Most Frequently Asked Questions at bobdenver.com.

Something tells me "Bob" ain't answerin' any time soon.

Fair winds and following seas, Little Buddy!

R.I.P. Mr. Jeff Brown

And thanks for the childhood memories.

(He wrote "Flat Stanley" and died in 2003)

Looney For Tunes

While I was away last week, my wife bought me the 4-disc DVD collection of Looney Tunes, Golden Collection, Volume Two.

Is it cool to dub your wife "The Shit"? Even when talking about cartoons?

Not that I wasn't dropping massive hints for weeks now. The idea came to me when I got a glance at what my kids were watching, loosely categorized as "cartoons" and I thought that we could all sit together and watch Looney Tunes.

Man, I'm WAYYYY too psyched about this.

I Dreamt About Paris Hilton

No, not like that. I couldn't afford the Lysol baths, even in Dreamland.

I dreamed that for some reason I was assigned to help her pack for a trip. She had a little cramped bedroom with too much stuff and she already had a big suitcase and a few more small ones. I told her it would be best if we put in the big red one (which was my big red one in real life, go ahead, analyze that) but when we opened up the huge case, there was already a bag in there taking up most of the room.

We bickered about what goes in first and I said she might not be able to take everything. She looked at me like I had just thrown up a mouthful of caviar.

When I moved the huge suitcase off the little bed (which I'm pretty sure was my daughter's), the entire bed moved and a cork board on the wall slid down the wall and fell flat on the floor with a loud slap.

I said "Good thing you weren't there or you'd be Flat Stanley."

I got a blank look from her. OK, flatter than normal.

"You do know who Flat Stanley is, don't you?"

Another blanker look.

And now for my great deadpan joke.

"You must have had a shitty childhood."

Of course I thought this was the funniest joke ever made. She smirked and I woke up.

Even in Dreamland I'm hilarious!!!

Pumped in the Gas

I had half a tank of gas when on my recent trip and had to get home. It would take a full tank so I had to succumb to paying the spiked prices during the only time it would be this high.

The first station had only premium. Fuck that.

The second one had a sign that said you had to prepay and had a $35 maximum. This made me pissed because other than the obvious, they didn't even trust us enough to use a credit card outside. That REALLY peeved me even more.

Here is the conversation inside:

Me: I need to fill it up.
Her: How much?
Me: I don't know. Until it's full.
Her: How many gallons you want?
Me: Look, I DON'T KNOW. I have half a tank so I'll need half more.
Her: There is a $35 max.

At this point I was about to stangle her and by the looks of it, she reflected the sentiment.

Me: Just turn it on and I will sign for the amount.
Her: I CAN'T TURN ON THE PUMP UNTIL YOU TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU'LL NEED.

God, was this woman retarded?

Me: Fine, how about $30. I won't use that much.
Her: If you don't come back in and I'll give you cash for the difference.

This conversation rang through my head as I paid $3.30 per gallon. And it sooooo pissed me off.

First, that I have to pay such robbery prices. Second, they don't trust you enough to pay with credit from outside. And third, I get treated like shit by the very person who's taking my money.

I used $25 but to top it all off, the auto-stop didn't work so as I stood there brewing, gas started squirting all over the place when it was full. At these proces I must have spilled almost a dollar's worth.

And then I had to go in and get a five spot back from Ms. Highway Robbery Special Ed. I very easily could have punched her hard right in the face. It took me five hours on the road to calm down.

This pic kinda sums it all up. Thanks Laura.

More Serious Geek Stuff

OK, Killjoy and a.maria, don't even try this. You'll seriously sprain something.

Here is the story folks:

Let's just get this out of the way from the get-go: OddTodd is the shit. And by "the shit" I mean that in a good way (or I would have said "A shit"). He runs his site and has the funniest Flash cartoons on the net, very "Office Space"-like. He's been on TV, has a book, and has pretty much become an Internet phenom/icon.

I noticed a week ago that he is now using the same Zoom search engine I recently blogged about and wrote him about it. But it seems he had some trouble since his site is so big and the free version of Zoom limits his searches. He gets an error and when he wrote Wren, they pointed him to a help file that talked about .htaccess files and php.ini files. They pretty much lost him right there.

Even though I knew nothing about these, I offered any help I could and set off to do some research. Here is what I came up with,

(WARNING: SERIOUS GEEKNESS TO FOLLOW)

Todd,

I did a little research on this and here is some scoop.

From what I can tell (and vaguely remember from my IT degree), whenever you name a file with a period in front of it, it’s hidden. I couldn’t find mine either but I think there is a reason for that. You have to create one IF you need it, which it looks like you might.

With that said, I also figured out that this “.htaccess” file is a file you create. It’s like they set default settings for your webpage and if you want it to act differently, you create and add this file of special instructions (don’t worry, it’s not all codity code-code stuff, it’s a simple text file) and it checks it when loading pages and then obeys anything different than the standard setup that MOST people are cool with. Here is a little something about making the file.

“How do I create a .htaccess file?

You can use any text editor to create a .htaccess file. Do not use Microsoft Word or Wordpad for this as they are not strictly text editors. Create a file and save it as "htaccess.txt". After you have uploaded it to the directory you wish to use it in, rename it to be ".htaccess". You can now populate your file as you require.”

Here is another little tidbit for general understanding:

“php.ini is to php what .htaccess is to the Apache web server. Just like an .htaccess file allows you to control certain behaviors of the web server, a custom php.ini file allows you to control many aspects of the way php works for your site.

Your customized version of the file should be placed in your /htdocs directory.”

OK, so, what Wren is saying is that their PHP files are set too low and IF they let you customize the php.ini file, open it and change it. All you would have to do is find it, open it in Notepad, find that setting, and change it.

Alternately, you can create the .htaccess file. I did this for you so let’s try this:

- Upload the file I’m sending you to your main directory on your site.
- Rename it by taking off the .txt extension
- See if that works
- Tell Jason he’s the coolest ever on your webpage

If that doesn’t work, we can try upping the limit. And if that don’t work, we’ll try to tackle the php.ini file somehow.

-- Jason

----------------------------------

If any of this is way off, let me know.

Fuckers!