Worse Still

I don't know what is worse, that a guy used the code name "Deep Throat" or that it ends up he looks like this:



There's just something really, REALLY wrong about this.

(uncontrolled willies....)

The Worst

What is the worst household duty at my house?

Is it cleaning the toilets?

Even though I don't do it, I'd have to say "no."

Scrubbing the tub?

I do this sporadically (the wife filling in the gaps) but still, I have to go with "no" on this one too.

It HAS to be emptying the shit bucket. We have a 60 lb dog and we pride ourselves on keeping the backyard turd-free by scooping and putting the little (big) butt-bars in a small trash can n the corner of the yard. It has a rotating lid so we don't actually have to touch the damn thing but when it fills up, we have to empty it.

And since this is more disgusting than I can adequately describe, this little duty is put off until the bucket overfloweth. To make matters worse, rain gets in the bucket so you have this primordial soup of the nastiest matter imaginable. I mean it's rancid as rancid gets. Old, soaking dog shit.

So when I have to deal with this little bundle of joy, it weighs about 100 lbs, straining the strength of the trashbag that contains it. And if that plastic breaks, the aftermath would be nothing short of toxic. I think proper authorities would have to be called in.

Tonight I had to empty it and I decided to go Commando: no gloves.

My hands are now bleeding from the scrub-o-rama afterwards.

I'm also dry heaving just thinking about the contents.

This Spam Is One For The Books

I swear, this is verbatum. I got it in my GMail account with the subject: Re: Supper.
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More News That Really Sucks

"Viagra causes blindness: The U.S. Food and Drug Administration said it has received about 38 reports of the rare condition among Viagra users."

Bummer.

Now all the old ladies have to do is outrun a blind guy. How much do you wanna bet that this is the "Good News Of The Week" in "The Monthly Knitter" magazine.

This just in...

"Oscar-winning director Oliver Stone was released from jail Saturday after his arrest on alcohol and drug charges the night before in Beverly Hills, police said."

Who thinks he will cry "conspiracy"?

Rio Down

Well, another $200 right down the shithole.

In my neverending quest to find the perfect MP3 player, I bought a Rio Karma off of Ebay for $200. I didn't find out until after I had won that it was refurbished and the first time I took it running, it started freezing up. But then I slammed it like an idiot and cracked the face so I couldn't return it. It flaked a few more times and tonight, it met its final demise. It had stopped hard and I dedicated to take it apart to see if it could be salvaged.

This is the aftermath. You be the judge.

Picture I Found

Here is a picture of my father holding me. I'm about two and my brother is standing by looking mischievous as usual. (click on it to see the monster size)

Green Acres

Green acres is the place to be
Farm living is the life for me
Land spreading out,
so far and wide
Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.

New York
is where I'd rather stay
I get allergic smelling hay
I just adore a penthouse view
Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue.

The Chores

The Stores

Fresh air

Times Square

You are my wife. Goodbye city life.

Green Acres, we are there!

Sing Along!!!!

Updates

I updated my computer with Windows update just now. This always scares me becasue while I like being up to date, sometimes MS screws the pooch and the improvememnts mangle up my system. The big SP2 awhile back really introduced some annoying shit like always asking me if I will allow stuff. I've tried to tweak it but to no success.

Anyway, here is what it did for me lately:

Security Update for Windows XP (KB893086)
Security Update for Windows XP (KB893066)
Cumulative Security Update for Internet Explorer for Windows XP Service Pack 2 (KB890923)
Security Update for Windows XP (KB890859)
Windows Malicious Software Removal Tool - May 2005 (KB890830)
Microsoft Windows Installer 3.1

Please pray to the computer gods that this will not ramrod my computer's electronic bit bucket.

Hypocrite

I almost got in a wreck on the way home. Some kid wouldn't let me merge and I went anyway, easing into the lane even though he tailgated. I just kept coming and he wasn't budging. It was getting very disturbing and Truckasaurus wasn't giving an inch. I kept coming, halfway into the shoulder with no place to go and way past the merging area. But I kept coming. Finally he relented and I shot into the space. He got in the other lane and glared at me, as did the other young teens in the car. I was hiding my white hot anger very well and was quelling the desire to follow him until he stopped so I could have a few non-Christian words with him.

I was on my cell phone with my brother at the time.

Death

Eddie Albert from Green Acres died today at 99 years of age.

And Eva and Zga Zga live. How is that fair?

Breaking the silence

Excuses, installment one.

My work computer has gone udders up since Wednesday. Bad ju-ju.

The rest of the week, I don't know, hang me by my toes.

I ran today. Does that count for anything? 1 hour 11 minutes. One of my best times which is nuts since I haven't run since Monday.

Next weekend: marathon.

24

I never saw any of the episodes. But my brother raved about them so I bought him the first season as a Christmas present. He finally convinced me to watch them and actually sent them to me on loan. If you knew my brother, you would understand what a monumental effort this was.

So I started watching them.

OMG!!!

Two episodes are my minimum and I get to watch them commercial free. Which is AWESOME!!!! The numbers click and then there is only a slight pause where the commercial would be and the numbers are back. On with the show!!!

I'm cooler than Jack. At least in my mind.. And the woman who played Jack's replacement when he was wanted by the authorities? Yeah, Bitchzilla.

OK, gotta go watch another couple of episodes (... laughter fading to silence....)

Truckasaurus Takes A Hit

I was sitting in my office when this email came in from one of the contractors I work with:

"A driver in a government vehicle backed into your truck in the parking lot. No visible damage to your truck. The GOV's back bumper is dented and scraped. Law enforcement was called. They determined it was a fender-bender and did not file a report. The driver is from TBS. I have his name and contact information and will leave it on your desk. Should you want to get additional information or it is determined that there is damage to your truck you are to call US Claims. They are the insurance company that cover all government vehicles."

It seems they thought I was gone but I was tactically hidden... IN MY OFFICE!!!!

There was no damage to Truckasaurus but the Corporal who hit it asked David if I was "high strung" to which David answered "Oh, yeah."

He really did!!!

So I called the good Corporal and assured him it would take a lot more than that to damage Truckasaurus and that I appreciated him taking the time and effort to come inside and take responsibility personally.

Clown Punching

I was listening to the radio this morning and it reminded me of this story.

I had a good friend while going through TBS in 1997 and we spent a lot of time together, mostly making fun of stuff. He told me some of his OCS stories and one involved being out in the woods during some miserable evolution. The Sergeant Instructor came around at night, shined the light in the faces of candidates in their sleeping bags, and yell "Hey, where are your hands? What are you doing? You punching the clown?"

Believe me, it was much funnier when he told it but that's not the important part of the story.

It was Halloween and I was bored. My buddy told me to come over later and we'd go out to Georgetown to watch all the crazies on the craziest of crazy nights.

In my barracks room, all I had was a radio to keep me company so I got intimately familiar with the local radio station, B101.5. I would always call in to answer some of their trivia questions. So I had an idea.

I called them up and started talking to the DJ, asking him if I could dedicate a song. The song was "Tears Of A Clown" by Smokey Robinson and gave him the following background story:

"A few years ago, I went to a Halloween party with my friend Leon and when we got there, we had a great time up until the time Leon got into a fight with another guest. The guy was dressed up as a clown so the sight of a vampire hooking and jabbing with a clown was beautiful. So if I could, this goes out to the most clown-punchinest guy I know, Jesus Leon."

The DJ told me offline that they were doing the Halloween theme so instead of "Tears Of A Clown" he was going with "Monster Mash." Oh well, the treasure was just putting my story over the waves and unknowingly helping me call Leon an Uber-masterbater to the greater Washington D.C. area.

I got ready and rushed over to Leon's apartment, knowing there would be a delay in airing the dedication. I darted into his apartment and made him turn on the radio without explanation. A few minutes later, we sat there in his apartment and heard the entire thing. Then laughed for 20 minutes.

Somewhere, I have a tape that has this. I set my radio on "record" before I left for his house.

Here's to you, Clown Puncher.

Gotcha, You Bastard!!!

I figured out why my profile slid all the way down (no thanks to any of you who didn't answer my call for help. Thanks, BTW).

It turns out that if I remove the italics from the Sir Phil's Preakness Freakness post, all's fine. Why this should upset the delicate balance of the Blogspot Universe, I'm not quite sure but it's all better now.

This Bud's For You!

I got this from a friend today and almost choked laughing so hard:

I had a fun weekend; Lynda took me and a bunch of people out Saturday night to celebrate my b-day. She was asking Jason (surfer) what he does for a living and he explained that he works for a company that makes CD's and DVD's and stuff. She said "Oh, that's not a job you hear about every day; you need a Budweiser song!"

You've heard the commercials, right? Mr. Over-zealous Foul Ball Catcher and all that... this bud's for you.

Well, we all thought that was pretty funny, especially me. So later we are in the club waiting for the Reggae band we are there to see, but we are watching all the drunkards dance to the opening band. There's this dude out there, probably forty-ish, trying to hang with the younger crowd and doing the head-banging hard rock thrashing dancing that I used to see people do when I was growing up so I just had to show Lyn.

I pulled her over by me so she could see around this beam and just as I pointed him out, he turned his head, threw up, then kept dancing. She was freaking and yelling "He puked! Oh my God did you see that?"

So I didn't skip a beat but went right into my bud commercial, off the cuff...

"Here's to you, Mr. Puke-On-Your-Shoes-and-Keep-Dancing-Man...yes, you know who you are! You're out to have a good time and no amount of alcohol-induced nausea is going to ruin your fun! When your violent thrashing to the music brings up your breakfast, you don't care; you'll puke on your shoes but it won't mess up your groove! So have a Bud Light, Mr. Puke-On-Your-Shoes-and-Keep-Dancing-Man, and show them how a real alcoholic gets the job done.... this Bud's for you!"

Back From running

I ran at lunch and you know what? Running hurts.

OK, maybe I was just being lazy but after yesterday, the run just didn't go over all that well. Six miles in the heat of the day and my legs had the following conversation with me:

"Hey, dickhead."
"What?"
"We ran 18 yesterday and now you want to do this?"
"Come on guys, we're getting ready for a marathon."
"You didn't feed us, either."
"sorry, had meetings all morning and..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. shut the hell up."
(Legs get mouthy on runs they don't want to participate in)

I got back just in time to get back into my uniform and attend a meeting where I sweat profusely. Ahhh, the sweet approach of summer in Virginia.

Is It Weird?

Is it weird that I ran 18 miles yesterday with brand new running shoes and I didn't get any blisters or as much as a hotspot?

Gel Kayano, baby!!!

For $100, I'd better get some perks!!!

And to answer my own question, I think it's weird that I even ran 18 miles. That I did it in right-out-of-the-box shoes is just plain dumb. But I got away with it (tee-hee).

Ocean's Twelve

Surprise!

I thought I was going to bed. But we (being "my wife") rented Ocean's Twelve and it's due back tomorrow. So... sleep is overrated. Hell, I'd just return to that effed up dream I had at naptime anyway...

Anyway, nothing like annihilating my ego by watching a bunch of guys that are slimmer, richer, better built, funnier, more famous, and have chicks dripping off of them.

Roll 'em!!!!

Going to bed

Well, another full day. Ran 18 miles, slept like a rock star (somehow that just doesn't sound right), and mowed the lawn.

BTW, I amortize the cost of my riding lawn mower so now, the cost-per-mow is down to $70 and that doesn't include gas. Crap.

I found out it's going to cost somewhere near $500 a pop for tickets to Seattle this summer. For 4 people. And that doesn't include me and my son stopping over in Denver to go on a week's fishing trip so that should jack up the price. Maybe I should start selling crack.

Other big news I'll be throwing in here (I'll brag profusely later, I'm sure) is that I may start to teach online classes and with the money, start a doctorate degree in education. I know that sounds like a joke if you know me (and come to think of it, even if you just read my blogs) but it's true. Of course I'm only doing it for the title.

"Take off your clothes. Don't worry, I'm a doctor."

I See Dead Animals...And Talk To Them, Part 2

OK, here is what I was talking about. I saw a lot dead animals on my run. Mostly possums and I don't think they were playing.

I just looked at it and really didn't feel all that bad. My reaction was "Dumb bastard." Does this make me callous?

Who asked you?

All I really thought about was the last moment when the little retard was flailing back and forth trying to decide which way to go until **splack**, suddenly its spleen is being forced out its ass.

Of all the hundreds of square miles of woods, it picks the only time available to get hit. I mean what a combination of forces must conspire for that little dumbass to be right on that comparatively narrow strip of road at the right time when a car happens to be coming by. and then most people will swerve, at least a little, to avoid hitting it so it really had to try hard to get under that wheel.

But this doesn't even compare to what I saw in California a couple of weeks ago. I saw the Grand Pubah of all dumbass roadkill. Open freakin' desert, literally as far as the eye can see. In all directions. And maybe an average of 1 car every few hours!!!

So the little moron had to wait! Time it just right and somehow overcome the overwhelming odds that would place a lone car out in the middle of the desert at any time other than what it would take to get hit. I mean, think about it. It could have chosen to be ANYWHERE in the hundreds and hundreds of square miles but it had to choose that little piece of pavement at one of the sliver-thin time slots when a car would be coming by.

"OK, I'll cross... waiting, waiting, waiting... what's that in the distance? I should wait...waiting, waiting, waiting... don't go... don't decide to go...getting closer... must overcome urge to go... waiting... FUCK IT, I'M GOING!! "

**sploit**

Animals are dumbasses.

I See Dead Animals...And Talk To Them

Obviously I got back awhile ago. What do you think I am, insane?

I got done with 18 miles, yes 18 because I'm stupid like that. I never thought I'd say something like this but here it goes: the first 9 were great. The back nine: not so much.

I stopped by and saw a friend afterwards who is home for two weeks from a year deployment overseas. He was mowing the lawn. Travels half way around the world to mow his lawn. And who says life ain't hilarious? (And I can't get off my lazy ass to mow my own lawn, and I live here!).

Got home, took a shower to get the disgusting amount of salt off of my body, ate a turkey sandwich, some pretzels, carrots, and a few chicken tenders. The grapejuice tasted like shit so I dumped it.

Then it was off to blissful sleep. I asked my wife to wake me at 4:00 and I awoke by myself at 4:20, startled from a nightmare. Then I blamed her for not waking me up and if she did, I wouldn't have the nightmare.

I'm an 5th level asshole sometimes.

The title of this entry is because I saw some really jacked up dufuses of the animal kingdom. More on that later because I'm pushing my "quick hits" blogging techniques.

Late Start

I slothed. Yes, I admit it. It's 0743 and I'm just getting out the door to run my 18 miles this morning. But it felt sooooo good to sleep the sweet sleep of procrastination.

I have to drive 40 minutes just to get to work, grab my running bag (crap!) and head on out to the TBS course. Hopefully I won't have to pay too much for the extra sleep because the currency is the heat of the day.

No oatmeal. Double crap. Had to do a Myoplex shake.

Wish me luck.

Technical difficulties

A little help. Anyone know why my profile to the right slides to the bottom and how I fix it?

Sir Phil's Preakness Freakness

Quick background: Sir Phil is a retired Marine Major who happened to be my first boss as an Officer. He was First Tanks XO and I was the Adj. We became friends and we run marathons together now. I still can't bring myself to call him "Phil" even after his retirement so I compromised with "Sir Phil."

Sir Phil is....unique. OK, a weird freak. But a lovable weird freak with enough idiosyncrasies to fill a dozen therapy sessions. I think my wife nailed it by describing him as a "quirky little man."

So here is his email invitation to a get-together we are going to today. It kind of encapsulates and says it all:

OK, it's time again for the (periodic) horseracing party. As I continue to make plans that interrupt the Derby, I am focusing on the Preakness this year. Accordingly on 21 May, at my hooch in the urban sector of Spotsylvania County, I shall throw out the welcome mat and host a get together.

As with the last time, there shall be an eclectic mix of folks mirroring my sordid past. I have only a vague idea of when the actual race is going to be run (somewhere around 5 or 6 PM) so I figure to start playing Seabiscuit on the TV around 3 and have the thing adjourn when all the food is gone.

RSVPs help in chow planning, so you can hit me up with an e-mail at (removed by Jason) or you can try working through my social butterfly's "phone networking" existence and calling in at (removed by Jason). We're still at (removed by Jason), still mark the terrain with an old British car (though the current exposed one is blue instead of the red one I have to hide from the neighbors).

Directions have changed due to the latest Wal-Mart incursion, so here's how you get here now (assuming you're all in from the North):

Down I-95 to the (removed by Jason) exit, right turn at the light at the bottom onto (removed by Jason). You go down and turn right at the second light (the newly opened (removed by Jason) which takes you up to the Super Wal-Mart) and blow through any lights there. After you have passed the growing shopping extravaganza there, you will eventually come to the traffic signal at (removed by Jason). Turn left (away from Fredericksburg) and head down to the third light. The marker is the 7/11 on your left and you turn left down (removed by Jason). Two miles down that, you come to a spot where a right turn lane opens up and you turn right onto (removed by Jason). There is a neighborhood to your left called the (removed by Jason) but the fact that there is a widening for a right turn is the best landmark. After turning right onto (removed by Jason), you go to the next stop sign (removed by Jason) and turn right. Go to the next available right turn (removed by Jason) and go down there till you find (removed by Jason) on your right.

If anybody brings kids, they better be hungry and easily amused, because the dog is about the only interesting thing to play with and she's probably going to be stuck in the basement most of the time. Our kids are mostly entertained by telephones and video games and I'll be clamping down on both of those for the afternoon.

Back in the game

Ok, 4 hours of sleep and I'm back at it.

Don't expect this pace to last. Especially since I just put a counter on the page and I have all of 1 hit. My own.

Why aren't people flocking?

Why "Viper"?

Am I really that self-absorbed and narcissistic? Well, yeah but not because of the name. Come on.

I was bestowed with this running name not because I'm the coolest cat on the circuit but for the very simple reason that I once accidentally shit on a snake at mile 40 of a 50 mile run.

Here is the details, if you must know.

Sly The Shit-Covered Snake

Up Late

So here's the deal. I'm just a Captain who writes a blog about all the stuff that makes up my life. I'm into running marathons so I will be blathering on about that quite often. I got a family, been in for about 18 years, and have a master's degree in IT. You'll learn the rest if you stick with me.

Tonight, I got a couple of hours of sleep and for some reason had to get up. For a guy who loves sleep, this is a freakish event and only happens every few months. I'm going to a "Preakness Party" tomorrow (today) so I will be

a) tired
b) grumpy
c) irritable
d) a pain in the ass

If you take it upon yourself to add an e) all the above, well, you can kiss my ass.

Out Of The Placenta

Hello folks, here I am, covered in ammoniac fluid, fresh out of the chute. Actually, I post at my own blogsite (http://www.grose.us/blog/blog.html) but I thought I'd use this one to splat shorter, less formal, "from the hip" posts.

Stay tuned. I'll be back.