OK, So Here's The Deal...

A Marine Major, Running Fool, and All-Around Smart-Ass.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Bitch, Please!!!!

OK, folks, I know that Hurricane Katrina is bitch-slapping New Orleans. Yes, yes, even without Corky the Retarded News Whore standing outside getting pummelled by the storm, we know, we know.

My heart bleeds purple Kool-Aid for ya but let's not make more of this than we have to. And with such disastrous possibilities, to overdo this takes quite an effort but the news was up to the challenge.

10,000 people in the Superdome. News-worthy? OK, I'll give them that if only for the shots of the poor people forced to sit in the stands. SIT THERE!! And do what? Nothing.

BTW, why didn't they let people on the field. Seems kind of jackassed to me.

"You can sit in the stands and do nothing, having nothing to watch, have nothing to do but sit there and wonder if there will be anything left of everything you own.... but don't you dare think about going out on the field. We got football to play!!!

Anyway, back to the buttholes on the news.

As though the drama of having 10,000 people crammed into the stadium wasn't enough, the news had to HARP INCESSANTLY on the possibility of the roof collapsing. Would that be a big tragedy? Yeah Buddy, but really, was it all that possible?

A few leaks, yeah. It was a friggin' hurricane afterall but full-on collapse? Bitch, PLEASE!!

Oh, the news would hate that, wouldn't they? Oh, the horror of such high ratings. The lost humanity... God, you could see the newscasters frothing at the mouth and almost straining to will that roof to collapse. All friggin' day they talked about that damn roof and made it sound like the leaks were the tell-tale signs of eminent collapse.

I hate to break it to you asswipes but the roof held. But never fear, there are plenty of destruction around and people to ask how it feels to have lost everything.

Get a life you idiot vultures!

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Nice Big Check Story

Folks, I don't know if this is true or not but I found it amusing. Snopes has nothing on it.

On May 19th, I was one of thousands of people around the country who received a 'junk mail' letter touting a get-rich quick method for making $95,093.35 in just three weeks. That letter also came with a check for the same amount, $95,093.35. Everything about the check looked real except for the words 'non-negotiable for cash' typed on the top right hand corner.

For very little reason at all I deposited this check into my ATM. It was fun, like putting monopoly money into the bank. I walked home picturing a bank teller opening my deposit envelope and chuckling upon the sight of the ridiculously large, and obviously a sample, check. I fully expected that on Monday morning someone from my bank would call and say, 'Mr. Combs, the check you deposited on Friday wasn't real.'

On Monday when they didn't call, I figured they were mailing the check back to me and I forgot about the whole thing. Then two days later, while withdrawing $40, my ATM produced a receipt that stated my balance at over one hundred thousand dollars! Suddenly, I remembered the $95,093.35 deposit.

I walked briskly and excitedly home. As soon as I got in I called a friend and told them what'd happened. He made a quick phone call to his own bank and called me back: "It's standard policy to credit your account for any amount you deposit, but it's only a credit. You can't touch the money unless the check clears." Of course -- It was just a matter of days before the bank would erase the credit and return my account to a mere $5,000.

For the next two days I called my bank for my account balance. It remained over a hundred grand.

Friday morning I again called for my account balance. Still no change.
Curiosity kicked in. I went to my bank, approached a teller, and posed this
question: "If I need a cashiers check for $70,000 later this afternoon do I have the funds available?"

The teller typed my account number into her computer and said, "Yes, the money is available." -- I got out of the bank fast. And I felt supercharged with possibility and shock.

From that moment until the next Wednesday when I boarded a plane for a four day career-counseling conference in Orlando FL(I make my living as an author and speaker addressing career success), $95,093.35 was available for withdrawal from my account. My close friends and I contemplated, for fun, all the possibilities a hundred grand afforded. "To Leave the Country or Not To Leave -- That is the question."

I knew that the money was going to be taken out of my account -- and each day I figured it would happen tomorrow. I boarded my flight to Orlando confident, and glad, that in all likelihood the money would be gone upon my return. It had already possessed my thoughts for a week.

On Monday, the day after my return, I called for my account balance. Five thousand and something dollars was what I expected to hear. No such luck.
"What's happening here!!!"

Two weeks and that money was still sitting in my account. "It will be gone tomorrow," I kept telling myself for the next five days. Then on Friday, exactly three weeks since I had deposited the sample check I, again, returned to the bank. I approached a bank teller at the special Customer Service window, and I sternly stated: "I recently deposited $95,000 and I don't want to spend any of the money if there is the possibility of the check being returned. How long should I wait?"

Again the teller keyed in my account number. Then she said, "$95,093.35 deposited on May 21st. You're safe to spend that money now because that check can no longer be returned. Depositors are protected by a law that says checks cannot be returned after 10 business days." I couldn't believe my ears. I couldn't believe my luck. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. On my way out of the bank, I grabbed every brochure and pamphlet that vaguely implied it might contain the law she had just referenced and I went home and read voraciously.

My reading didn't reveal the law I was looking for. Quickly I learned that bank brochures don't tell you your rights -- they tell you all the bank's rights. (Some of which I found quite interesting). But at the end of one of the brochures I found a reference that said, "For more information contact, The Office of Thrift Supervision." (O.T.S)

I called the O.T.S. and a man answered the phone. I gave my first name only and I gave him a quick synopsis of what had transpired. He treated my story with a cool intrigue. He told me that the ten day law the teller had mentioned was known as "The Midnight Deadline." But he suggested that the more important legal question had to do with "negotiability." He wondered if the check I deposited was a true negotiable instrument. He said, "The banking law book, Bradys, has specific criteria that a check has to match in order to qualify as legal negotiable instrument. I'm not sure what they are but if the check you deposited was actually a negotiable instrument that would explain why your bank passed it."

Within three hours I had found my way to the Hasting's Law Library and to the book, Brady on Bank Checks - The Law of Bank Checks by Henry Bailey and Richard Hagedorn .

Uuggh! Reading a big thick law book. Suddenly I knew why law students always looked so beat and tired. I didn't know how I was going to find anything in the monstroserous tome in front of me, and then my eyes caught sight of a small pocket sized book titled, Negotiable Instruments and Check Collection . It was a heaven sent guide for laymen. And plain as day, it listed the nine criteria for a negotiable instrument. I flipped it open and as if by magic, I found myself staring at a page that read, "The Nine Criteria for a Negotiable Instrument." I dove in reading with ferocious intensity.

The first eight criteria went my way. Things like, must have a signature, a date, the words "pay to," - all the things you expect to see on a check. The check I deposited had all the right features however it also carried the words "non-negotiable" in the top right hand corner. Hopefully the ninth point would address this. It said, "The ninth issue is whether people can create an instrument that matches the first eight criteria, and then avoid negotiability by declaring on the instrument that it is not negotiable."

I took a deep breath. The roulette wheel was spinning to a stop, giving me a fifty-fifty chance at a hundred grand. I began reading the next sentence slower than any sentence I've read in my life, my finger uncovering one word at a time. "No, give me the word no," I said to myself.

"The... answer... is... ...yes."

Wham. Ugh. Game over.

Any fantasies I had about the $95,000 dollars fizzled. But then, I moved my finger a micro-inch further, and saw a comma. "The answer is yes, except on a check." It went on:

"A declaration on a check that it is not negotiable is ineffective." The meaning of this sunk in quickly - I was the luckiest S.O.B. alive. The get-rich-quick company had accidentally designed a real check - and I had deposited it!

Twin Towers Live On

YES!!!!!!


Steel from the Twin Towers is being used to build the USS New York:

From rubble to avenging angel: The U.S. Navy is using steel from the World Trade Center in a new ship, according to the Navy.

Ten tons of steel from the World Trade Center's twin towers will be used in the construction of the USS New York, according to a Navy official.

The San Antonio-class amphibious transport dock is slated to be commissioned in 2008.

"USS New York will ensure that all New Yorkers and the world will never forget the evil attacks of September 11, and the courage and compassion New Yorkers showed in response to terror," said New York Gov. George Pataki at the ship's 2002 naming.

For Patrick Cartier Sr., the ship is an honorable way to remember his son, James Marcel Cartier, who was killed when the South Tower collapsed.

"You've got the very soul of the event in that mangled steel, and all of that steel which housed all the people fell along with them and they were all consumed in that terrible fireball and that collapse," the New York City man said.

Using the steel for the new ship would capture the spiritual essence of those who died in the World Trade Center, Cartier said.

"If you would you use that steel, it would almost be a resurrection," he said.

New York City firefighter Bill Butler also praised turning the steel from the World Trade Center into a fighting vessel.

"It's a great testament to the strong will of the people who died that day," said Butler, who was in the North Tower when it collapsed.

Butler was in a stairwell on the fourth floor when he heard what he said sounded like two freight trains roaring by in opposite directions.

It took him five hours to get out of the collapsed tower, he said.

Butler said the New York Fire Department supports U.S. troops. "Our thoughts and prayers are with them every single day and we appreciate them defending our freedom, and we're doing our best on the homefront," he said.

The USS New York will be the fifth ship of its class, Navy spokeswoman Linda Roberts wrote in an e-mail Monday.

At the 2002 naming, then-Navy Secretary Gordon England said the New York and other amphibious transport docks will support freedom all over the globe, Roberts wrote.

"From the war for independence through the war on terrorism, which we wage today, the courage and heroism of the people of New York has been an inspiration. USS New York will play an important role in our Navy's future and will be a fitting tribute to the people of the Empire State," England said.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Getting "The Business"

This pic is great for so many reasons.

It's of a Drill Instructor at OCS running a bunch of civilian business students from some college through the wringer. I don't know how long they had to do this but from the looks of all the bags, it probably was more than a day or two.

Notice how the DI is quite literally "off his feet" he's yelling so hard.

But the classic visuals are the students. On the left, notice the guy looking at the DI's target. The guy has the classic "Dude, you're fucked. Better you than me" look.

Then there's the Asian guy who looks like he's been there 3 seconds and that's two seconds too long. He has the look of a poor soul who is going to have a harder day than the rest once the DI gets a gander at him.

The guy beside him is another classic, known as "Scared Stiff." I'll take 10 to 1 odds that guy's blowing mud.

"Daddy, what's an orgasm?"

This was the question my 13-year-old son posed to me as I sat at my computer and tried do dislodge my galbladder from my throat.

I had no idea what the right answer was. I mean, I KNEW what the answer was, of course. I've read books. But what was I going to say to my young son?

I could have said "You are!" but that would be wrong. It would, wouldn't it? Y..YEAH, of COURSE it would.................... right?

So with all the wisdom of countless generations of Grose men, I weilded the power of my mighty sword of knowledge and uttered....

"Why?"

Yeah, as though there was an innocent, easy-out context I was not aware of.

"This site of weird facts says that pigs can have orgasms that last hours."

Fuck.

Say somthing, Jason, say something... say anything... you've had The Talk years ago... say something... here's your chance to be educational... say something...

In the end, I just gave him a quizical look and waved my hand at him in a gesture that announced I really didn't want to explain this right now. I sat there, a failure in the face of fatherly duty.

And wondered what it was like to be a pig.

Plucots

So I'm at the grocery store the other day and I see this sign advertising plucots. My wife and I determine it's a cross between an apricot and a plum.

It looks like a plum. A spotted plum.

But the sign also calls them "Dinosaur Eggs" I assume because if it's spotted color. Sure enough, the little sticker on each one has the trademarked name "Dinosaur Egg".

What kind of mutant fucking monstrosity are they making these days? Haven't they ever watched a horror flick or read a Stephen King novel?

But we got a few and when I bit into it, the damn thing exploded in a shower of juice. The mutant was like almost totally liquid inside but was the sweetest plum I had ever tasted.

So I don't know, if you dare, eat it over a trash can or the sink and hope to God you aren't altering your DNA. Personally, I'm morbidly curious to see a plum and an apricot getting it on.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Worst Blunder Ever

When I run, like I did by hopping back into the proverbial saddle again after the other day's ankle follies, I have a weird word association thought stream going and this is where it led me today.

I heard U2's In the Name Of Love which I didn't know until a few years ago was actually about Martin Luther King.

In the Name Of Love
Martin Luther King
Martin Luther King Day celebration
Worst blunder ever.

It seems that a city in Florida was presenting the actor James Earl Jones (Darth Vader, Mufasa, etc.) with a plaque commerating the memory of Martin Luther King.

Problem was, here was the plaque.


Could it get worse than that?

And it's all true, read about it here.

Not Interested in Willy's Wonka

I got alert for someone today: Willy Wonka At The Paramount.

My reaction?

"OK, so it looks like I have until March to become totally GAY!!!

I don't do musicals. Not even for Willy Wonka."


The parry back:

"Why not? It's art. You don't have anything to PROVE, Jason. Or do you."

And finally:

"Nice innuendo. If there is one thing that comes close to my aversion of BEING gay is WATCHING OTHERS be gay. And this art, like it or not, is the gayest of all gay arts venues. <...willies....>"

Anyway, if they have adult stage actors playing the kids, seeing an adult version of Veruca Salt might drive me instantly and irreversibly insane.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Four Minute Mile

That's the book I'm reading. It's about Sir Roger Bannister who way back ran the first official 4-minute mile.

So far, the book isn't as much about running as it is about an English guy growing up. I'm 3/4 of the way through and still waiting for the exciting part.

But just for kicks, I looked up the current world record. It's 3:43:13 which was set by Hicham El Guerrouj of Morocco.

OK, that's nuts. Think about that. Back in Bannister's time, they were exploding testicles to try to get even near the 4 minute barrier. Now Mr. Morocco and his genetically-mutated insane-a-pace is clocking 17 seconds faster.

I once wanted to try for a 4-minute mile but since I can only keep that pace for about 30 seconds, well, I had to come down to reality on that one.

Plus, in an earlier intro to the book, Sir Roger said that no man over 40 has ever done it. And no woman of any age has ever done it. I don't know if that is still true but in 4 years and a sex-change, I'll have all the excuses I need.

Plus, if this is what it turns you into looking like, well, I'll pass.

Things To Love About Spotsyltucky

Killjoy recently waxed poetic about what she missed about St. Louis. To cheer her up, I wrote her a similar list of the benefits of living here in Spotsyltucky:

10 Things in Spotsyltucky that make up for it:

1. Junior's Bait & BBQ and hunkerin' down counting teeth (adult average: 4)

2. The 15-minute stoplight at the corner of Route 3 and Allen, Allen, Allen and Allen (a REAL law firm here! Really.)

3. The PWT Fair

4. The dead racoon on Sister/Wife Road.

5. Cinema 15 where they constantly spell movies the best they can.

6. "Free Manure" signs

7. Public arguments centering around "my babies' momma."

8. Having a clothsline AND a still in the backyard.

9. The way the 90%+ humidity makes the overalls stick to Cooter's portly girth. (But all that body hair creates a cooling barrier so she doesn't complain much)

10. The way the heat ripples off the hairy female arms hanging out of cars with perfectly good air conditioners.

Monday, August 22, 2005

REESE'S PIECES

I'm a pun-lover like the next guy. I get a kick out of the witty headlines behind Jon Stwart's head. Hell, I have a constant daily struggle to come up with funny blog titles.

But these people are professionals. They should know better. They are being paid to come up with catchy headlines and "REESE'S PIECES" is the best they could do for an article on Reese Witherspoon on the CNN website?

That's just sad.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

What The Doc Had To Say

I got this in an email from the Doc assigned to Jarhead's unit during the first Gulf War. Seems this is a common theme even from his own people.

--------------

I had heard that he had written a book about the gulf, but I refused to go and get it. I was with STA 3/7.

Anyway, thanks for keeping the truth on the surface.

I doubt I will see the movie. I've seen enough crap in my life, and I saw enough death and devastation over there.

Semper Fi

The Shape Of Things

Here is an email exchange beetween me and a friend of mine who is over in Iraq:

Jason,

Still alive and kicking. Had a pretty good wake up call this morning with what I am guessing was a mortar attack on the IZ. As the Iraqi's near the finalization of the draft Constitution, other Iraqi's don't like that. So the mortars are flying. Seen many intersteting things here, Baghdad culture, some of the outlying cities, working with ministerial staff for national communications plans for Iraqi police, and not the least, moving many, many boxes around the country by hand most of the time. I have had a resonnably small amount of action and have not had to use my weapon yet except to keep my toothbrush dirty.

I am still enjoying the deployment.

How are things in your neck of the woods?

Respectfully,
Tom

-----------------

Tom,

Son of a bitch.

All I got to complain about is traffic and being at Quantico.

I don’t have any cool stories about mortar attacks or working with Iraqis. I bitch about the cleaning lady blocking the head when I really gotta go and blocking assholes that park in my parking spot.

I feel so emasculated.

Other than that, things are great.

-- Jason

How Much For That Truckasaurus In The Window?

I got a knock on my door yesterday from some guy who saw Truckasaurus parked out front and wanted to give me $2000 in cash for it on the spot.

I have mixed feelings about this. It’s Truckasaurus. I bought it brand spank new as a present to myself for getting back from the Gulf War alive in 1991. It was my dream vehicle (I know, it don’t take much) and I brought both my kids home from the hospital in that truck. It’s been with me through thick and thin.

It IS getting a little long in the tooth though, showing its age in the form of horrid gas mileage and peeling paint here and there. And I got the Saturn and the new Honda Pilot so I need it less for transportation than I do sentimentality and the knowledge that I have a truck if I need one.

But it’s Truckasaurus.

The deciding factor was looking up the Blue Book value. It came in a whopping $2820.

So it looks like Truckasaurus is not being put out to pasture, or more like demoted to a work truck for a guy who seals driveways.

What was I thinking? Truckasaurus DESERVES to rest and live out his old age as a third vehicle, only getting occasional use. He doesn’t need to be working hard every day.

Rest, Truckasaurus. You’ve earned it after all these years.

Here's the report:

Virginia • August 21, 2005 1992 Chevrolet 1500 Pickup Extended Cab Long Bed
Engine: V8 5.0 LiterTrans: 5 Speed ManualDrive: 2WDMileage: 135,000

Equipment

Silverado
Air Conditioning
Power Steering
Power Windows
Power Door Locks
Tilt WheelCruise Control
AM/FM Stereo
Single Compact Disc
Bed Liner

Consumer Rated Condition:
Fair

"Fair" condition means that the vehicle has some mechanical or cosmetic defects and needs servicing but is still in reasonable running condition. This vehicle has a clean title history, the paint, body and/or interior need work performed by a professional. The tires may need to be replaced. There may be some repairable rust damage.

Private Party Value: $2,820

Private Party Value is what a buyer can expect to pay when buying a used car from a private party. The Private Party Value assumes the vehicle is sold "As Is" and carries no warranty (other than the continuing factory warranty). The final sale price may vary depending on the vehicle's actual condition and local market conditions. This value may also be used to derive Fair Market Value for insurance and vehicle donation purposes.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Other Blog Coming Along Thanks To The Other Jason

I continue to work on my other blog and importing the old files. Another Jason has been helping (we Jasons must stick together) and this email is telling him how I solved the annoying problem that when I imported the entries, all apostrophes and quotation marks were changed to question marks. This meant I had to go in and fix it by hand and I did all of November 1997 but vowed that there had to be a way around it.

Here is what I wrote:

I found it. I was pasting the text in a Word document, formatting it, and saving it as a text file. But by default it's coded as Windows (default). Wordpress wants UTF-8. When I did that and imported it, it worked great. Other accomplishments: I discovered that you can put HTML tags in the import file so that my Free Advice and Quote of the Day can get bolded in the import file using tags instead of doing each entry (~30 per month) by hand. I used your SQL statement to update the comment and ping fields in the database. For some reason, it makes all the imported entries as drafts and no pings allowed. I can UPDATE the entire table to fix this.

Now it's just a matter of massaging each month's entries in the import file. Long and tedious but doable and with your help, it's become faster.

Thanks.

NETWORK DOWN, I REPEAT, NETWORK DOWN!!!!

When I came into work yesterday, the network was down.

No email.

No internet.

No work that could be done.

OK, that last one isn’t exactly true. Maybe “no work I WANTED to get done could be done.”

I shiver at the DAILY dependency I have on computers and the internet.

Parking Drama

I have a parking spot. It’s mine. Mine, dammit! I inherited it when my old boss retired and although there was rumor that they would be reassigning it (there are a very limited # by the building and most of those are for people with MUCH higher rank than me, whether that’s military or GS rank), I have managed to retain my claws on it.

It’s clearly marked “RESERVED FOR FSTB” so when I come to work, asI did yesterday, and there’s someone in my space…. Stand by.

I parked behind him and went to my office. Then I made a little sign that said:

If you want me to move, come find me. – Capt Grose, FSTB.”

I showed this to a contractor who was laughing and he pointed out that I should at least put my phone number. My response:

I will, in about an hour.”

I figure he can try to find me like I tried to find him.

When I went out to put this on his truck, he was standing between my car and his truck.

This you?” I asked.

Uh, yessir, sorry, I…was…had to run in and find this machine…”

I assume he was the copier repairman or something. I just turned around and walked off with a scowl. What he didn’t know is that I didn’t have my keys on me and had to go back to my desk to get them.

When I came back, he was on his cell. I should have waited longer.

He moved, I parked, and that was that.

Blog Technology Decisions

It was a late one Wednesday night. Why? Could it be because of the Starbucks venti Americano with an extra shot and mocha and sugar added?

You’d think but no, not really.

It’s because I’m OBSESSIVE!!!

As you know, I have two blogs. One is just a plain Jane HTML web page file that I maintain “old school.” I manually generate it at home using Dreamweaver and then upload it to my page. Very labor intensive but I’ve got the routine down pretty quick.

I kept getting behind that one so I made another one on Blogger for daily, short, random thoughts. I like that one a lot.

Lately, I’ve been doing some research on RSS feeds. Basically they are a way for your blog to generate an output of your blog to shoot out to any sources that want it. Blogger does this for you but my plain Jane webpage blog does not.

I asked around to see how I could get an RSS output somehow and that led me to Wordpress.

Stay with me.

Wordpress is a free blogging program. You download it, set it up, and you have your own blogging capabilities. It uses a database that you have to host on your own space (mine is provided by the same company that houses my webpage and gives me my email accounts.)

Look at it this way: the Wordpress is like your own Blogger set up. Blogger does the same thing but they do it online and they store all the stuff on THEIR servers. By using Wordpress, it’s almost exactly the same except you host it on YOUR server.

The advantage is that you own your own files and have more control over what you can do. The disadvantage is that you have more overhead, set up, maintenance.

Most of the evening was spent playing around with the templates and getting it to work. Then a lot of experimentation to see how I could manipulate the look and feel of the blog.

After I had enough of that, I came to another dilemma, probably the more important of the two.

First, examples of each blog for reference:

HTML blog

Blogger blog

Wordpress blog

I had an intricate decision matrix to figure out, and this is what I had a hard time doing. How many blogs should I maintain and what programs should I use?

The first decision was should I have one blog or two? Or three? OK, maybe three was crazy but two got in the lead because I needed one for my daily comings and goings (the more long-winded of the two) and I needed one for my quick delves into how I interpret the world around me. Yes, there will be overlap but the main difference is the journal is something I can look back on and see what I was doing that day. A recap, if you will. The other one is more of a sign of the times, an interpretation of funny situations or views I have about various things I come in contact with.

Doesn’t make sense? Well, it does to me sooooo……

OK, so with that settled, what technologies do I use?

HTML blog
Advantages: I have full control and the blogs aren’t hidden in a database. Formatting is easy. Already have years of entries.

Disadvantages: No RSS feed. Has a kind of “homemade” feel. Higher maintenance to create entries. No connection to a blogging community. No searching or sorting capability.

Blogger blog
Advantages: clean look. Can post entries from anywhere. Part of a community. RSS feed.

Disadvantages: tied to a online service. Possibly lose entries if Blogger crashes.

Wordpress blog
Advantages: I own the database. Highly configurable. Looks good.

Disadvantages: Input is not exactly wysiwyg. No way to easily migrate old blog entries.

The Starbuck's Challenge

On Wednesday, I had to take my daughter to piano lessons and with the half hour it took her to finish her weekly lesson (at $20 a pop), I ran over to Starbucks with a mission.

“I want an obscene amount of caffeine.”

“I want something I have to sign a waiver to drink.”

“I want solid caffeine crystals floating on the top like big ice cubes.”

With a laugh, here is what she suggested.

“OK, we can make you a venti Americano with extra shots. It’s basically 4 shots of espresso with hot water. We can put in 2 or 3 extra shots and some mocha or caramel to make it a little sweeter.”

Holy cow, she had that a little too at the ready.

I was unprepared to challenge the local Starbucks chick. My request didn’t seem all that out of the ordinary like I thought it would be and my “safety-be-damned” approach to insane amounts of caffeine was not only doable, but they could ratchet it up to medically unsound levels.

I went with just one extra shot of espresso and a shot of mocha. After tasting it, I put in some sugar.

I ended up drinking it all. Not only did it destroy my stomach, it probably blew my diet right out of the water.

But did it have the kick?

I thought I’d never sleep again.

More Bad Karma

OK, OK, I pissed someone or something off. What proof do I have? In the last week,

1. My home phone automatically called 911, requiring the cops to come, and then the line went dead.

2. My expensive riding lawnmower just decided to stop cutting

3. My Saturn started acting funny and then wouldn’t start

All three of these blissful events required more attention than I was willing to give them so my lovely wife was forced to deal with them.

Here is a recap of how this all panned out:

Phone
Why it happened: No fault of our own. Phone company blamed bad buried line.

What it resulted: about three days of no home phone and Carrie having to stay home all day for a repairman that didn’t bother to show up nor call (on the cell # we gave them)

How it got fixed: after Carrie had to suffer through automated menu hell (eating up our cell minutes), she did a little test which turned out it wasn’t our fault. So after ignoring their wide time range they gave to come out and fix it, they came the next day and rewired something. But they said it would still be crackly until they fixed the buried line.

Cost: patience, no phone for a few days, a wasted day of waiting for the repairmen, many anytime cell minutes, no monetary cost on our end.

Lawnmower
Why it happened: I perform absolutely no preventive maintenance. Belt was to loosy goosey.

What it resulted: a lawn that looked like the jungles of Africa, going a few weeks without mowing.

How it got fixed. I tore it apart twice, replaced the belt to no success. Then a week of waiting for the repairman to come out when we found out it was still under warranty. He made a minuscule adjustment that apparently fixed it and because my wife kept him company and asked questions, he cleaned the filters and did a bunch of other maintenance procedures that he should have charged us for.

Cost: would have been $198 but came to $0.

Saturn
Why it happened: because it’s getting a bit long in the tooth, although I don’t accept this fact as an excuse.

What it resulted: getting stranded at Costco with the whole flowers fiasco.

How it got fixed: Saturn dealership replaced the starter.

Cost: $450 that I don’t have. Ouch.

Jarhead Of Shit, The Movie

Well, they did it.

Jake, why? For the money? HAS to be because even any cursory research would have shown you this story was:

1. Bullshit
2. Insulting to every Marine past, present, and future.
3. Written purely as a masturbatory inflation of the “author’s” ego at the expense of a proud institution.

And Mr. Foxx. You, an Oscar Winning Actor. You have a responsibility that comes with that golden statue. That you would lend your talents to this despicable project is just heinous. It’s a sad day for the Corps and all Americans.

Here is what I thought of the book.

For The Women Who Think We Oughta Know

Here you are, Alanis-like ladies:

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Too tired to post

Oh, by the way, I did manage to write out a few blogs today while waiting for the internet to come up. It never did.

But I'm too tired to pull out my laptop (I couldn't send them to myself) and pull them over.

But rest assured, they were hilarious. You'll just have to wait.

But I'm not heartless so I will give you a taste:

Bad Karma: my home phone, my Saturn, and my lawnmower all broke down within the last week. Lots of frustration and money output.

Starbucks: Yesterday I challenged Starbucks to make me the strongest caffeine-fest they could come up with. It was life-threatening.

WordPressure: A VERY long discussion about my decision of how many blogs to maintain and what technology platform I should use.

Parking Spaceout: some moron parked in my parking space this morning. Neither of us had a good day after that.

I gotta get some sleep so I can NOT be on the net tomorrow. (sigh)

I've Been Busy

OK folks, life conspired against me.

The damn worm virus infected our entire network at work so I have no internet at work.

Hence, my silence today

But before that happened this morning, last night, I decided to change my regular home-grown blog to Wordpress. If you don't know what that is, it's like my own version of blogger that I control. Last night I was up until almost midnight setting it up and configuring it.

Hence my silence all last night.

Tonight, I tried to figure out how I can import my old posts from a flat HTML file into Wordpress.

Hence the silence tonight.

Here is an update email of my progress to a friend who's helping me. Careful reading it, you might pull something.

----------------------------

OK, here's what's going on. I'm learning a lot.

I decided to run a test import for one month of blogs.

I cut and pasted the text from my November 1997 blog into a Word doc. Then I did some find and replace to make it look like MT format. It took me awhile because I was learning the format and had to come up with inventive find/replace combinations.

But I still and to go in every entry and fix the blog date tag and take out various lingering format problems. I made the title the long date format just to make things simple.

I then saved it as text and followed the directions to use a PhP script that came with WP to import it in.

And the entries didn't show up.

I logged into the database to find that the entries WERE there. (my space provider, POWWEB, not only offers one free SQL DB but they offer and online mySQLAdmin interface. Sweet! Never used it before but I learned quick. Those old DB classes in graduate school helped a little)

WTF?

I did some comparing of entries that DID show up and I noticed that the author field for the good ones had "1" and the ones I just imported had "2". So I ascertained that for some reason, WP will only post blogs by author = 1.

I changed one imported entry to author=1 and sure enough, it posted.

So now I had choices: do I try to fix this in the import.txt file somehow to have author always =1, or

fix it in the mySQLAdmin table, or

just go in each entry and change the author through Wordpress interface?

Or, I could try to get WP to allow publishing from authors 1 AND 2.

Trying to fix it in the import file was fruitless.

Fixing in the mySQLAdmin table was tedious and time consuming, as was changing the author through Wordpress interface. Plus, this would compound when I go to import years worth of entries so I didn't like it.

I couldn't get WP to publish multiple authors which really pisses me off because if they ALLOW multiple authors and users, they must have a setting to let them post. Otherwise, why have more than one allowed? But I couldn't find the setting no matter how hard I tried.

Every time I failed, I had to erase all the imported records (if you didn't, the script would claim you already imported it and would not update) and rerun the script. Again, very tedious.

Through trial and error, I finally figured out what the user name for author=1 was and did a final import. (It gave a pop up box to specify this but I was inadvertently putting the nickname instead of the user name so it thought it was another user.)

I refreshed the page and NONE of the entries showed. AGAIN.

This time, for some reason, it set the post_status to Null instead of "publish". So now I was in the same boat: where to fix this.

This could have been solved if I could figure out how to do a batch update on multiple records in mySQLAdmin (I know this is elementary but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how to do it and couldn't remember enough SQL to write the function). But it made me update record by record. Tedious.

So I broke down and went through every record and set it to "publish". I then had some issues with latency because it didn't look like it was working and then all of the sudden it did. I don’t know if there was a delay in changing the table and having the changes take. Whatever.

The last thing I noticed is that it replaced all quotation marks and apostrophes with question marks. I figure this is because they serve as code tags and in the text, they couldn't let them slide.

So that is about where I sit. The ?'s are about the only residual effect now.

I figure I can get down to 1/2 hour to an hour per month so with 6 years of blogs, we're talking about 72 working hours to get them all converted.

I don't know if it's worth it so if you have a better plan, I'd love to hear it.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Another Email Reminding Why I Made A Webpage

This speaks for itself:
-------------------------------
Jason,

My wife and I are flying out to Parris Island tomorrow in preparation for the graduation of our daughter into the family know as The Marine Corps. It has been a tough road for her. She left the Sunday after Thanksgiving and was doing great in training. Three weeks before her graduation, which was to be Feb 25th, she developed a stress fracture in her hip. This set her back physically for about three months, but emotionally she became stronger and even more determined to become a Marine. At one point she wrote, "I'm leaving this island as a Marine or in a pine box." Well, on the 10th of June she will leave the island a Marine.

I write all of this as a background for what I am about to say in regard to your web site. As you can imagine my wife and I have immersed ourselves in as much information about the Marine Corps, and bootcamp in particular, as we could so that we could understand what our daughter had been going through. We have visited many sites and have gained a lot of useful information, but most sites lack any real substance as to the experience. Your site fills that gap in a fashion that makes the reader really experience the daily tortures and lessons of bootcamp. You don't play down the toughness of the experience, but you always emphasize that there are reasons and lessons to be learned from each of those tough experiences. Also the other stories that you present about your interests and events that you have participated in add a personal touch to the information that I have not found anywhere else.

In closing I want to say thank you for taking the time to put your story out there for us parents in a way that helps us better understand the what and why of bootcamp and the Marines.

Thanks

Gratefully
(name withheld by me)
Semper Fi          

Telling It Like It Is

I got this in email from someone who read my webpage. Gotta love the "Come and speak with a celebrity" opportunities.

-----------------------

Speaking of which, I just chatted with Michael Crook (owner of Forsake our Troops) on AIM

"Aragorn332931(me): OutSTANDing job getting your ass handed to you on Hannity and Colmes...You pathetic creature.

SMSupportDesk: Fuck you!

Aragorn332931: You know, you should put a valid explanation as to why you hate the people who are defending your freedom to say this bullshit!

SMSupportDesk: I'm under no obligation to you!

Aragorn: You rodent faced attention-seeking whore....if you don't want ppl to criticize you, you shouldn't post this shit on the internet."

God, that weasel couldn't even make a good argument. Nobody EVER insults the United States Military in front of me.
--------------------------------

OK, I guess that's that.

The Difference Between "Guts" and "Balls"!

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

How Does She Know?

How does cleaning lady KNOW when I need to use the bathroom the most?

She's there, every time, blocking the entrace with her cart. Every day. Different times. But always when I'm walking pigeon-toed.

How does she know?

Quote of the Day

I've known this one for years but Alanis just kind of jumps out at you sometimes. Here is her in all her fury with a classic line (more yelled than sung):

"You see me as a sweet back-loaded puppet, and you got meal ticket tastes."

Friggin' yikes!!!!

I Know Who The Half-Blood Prince Is

Finished last night.

I don't believe the ending. I just don't.

And it drops off more than any other book. Just kind of stops. The 6th and upcoming 7th could be just one long book.

Monday, August 15, 2005

You Try To Be A Nice Guy And It Gets Shoved Clear Up Your…

AS I was saying, I was trying to be nice.

On the way home, I decided my wife needed flowers. I had performed any manner of jackassery lately and I thought that a long hot day taking the kids to a water/amusement park would make flowers a welcome sight for her when she returned.

Then I thought about how I didn't have any money on me, and I really just wanted to get home.

Then I thought about her and how much she would love to get flowers today and the expression on her face. So I decided to make it happen.

But first things first and I called Carrie to see when she would be home and if there was any spending cash in the house.

"Why?"

"I want to get a haircut."

"Just take some out of the bank."

"OK."


So, I had a plan.

I go to the ATM and take out the money, leaving the car running because it's been acting funny lately: not starting back up after driving it. I drove over to Costco and went in and after getting some cool looking blue flowers I thought she’d like, I paid for them and went out to the car.

It wouldn't start. Shit.

I tried and tried and tried. No luck. When this had happened before, I just let it cool and then it started. That wasn't helping.

I didn't want to call Carrie because she couldn't do anything and if I said I was in Cosco parking lot, the gig would be up.

Damn, what to do. Other than get reeeeeeeeeealy pissed. Check, had that covered.

Finally, I called Carrie just to bitch. She told me to try to get it jumped. I sat there and stewed for almost an hour and finally swallowed my pride and asked the Costco garage if they could help me. They couldn't. (How does a GARAGE not have the ability to help you with a jump right outside their doors? Costco, you lost A LOT of points today. Bastards.)

I was more than a little pissed at this point. They said ask mall security. Mall security? You mean the useless degenerates that, if they COULD help me, would likely charge me for it? I didn’t put a lot of faith in asking them but I was running out of options.

I went in to the mall but couldn't find the office or a guard and was too pissed to ask. So I went out to the car again and got even more mad.

Then it started raining on me. Perfect.

Swallowing a second big helping of my pride, I finally asked someone to help jump me and when we tried, it did NOT work!!! Yet another source of me being pissed off. I tried to calm myself but I was losing this battle.

So I called my friend Sir Phil and guess what... he was out of town on business.

Of course he was.

So his wife said she'd come and I told her to meet me at Starbucks. I walked over there, in the rain, had a coffee, and read some of my book until she showed up. I stewed… stewed… stewed… no one even dare say a fucking word to me. NO ONE!!!

I was a nickel short of exact change. Didn't shock me. Had to pull out another dollar and walk away with even more change.

It took her forever because.... get this...HER car wouldn't start and she had to bring Sir Phil's old antique car he rebuilt. She couldn't figure out how to get it in reverse and she will probably catch Hell from Sir Phil for trying to drive it.

She took me over to my car and.... it started. I felt like an asshole. I sheepishly thanked her for taking her own life in her hands driving the Model-T even if it was really for nothing.

The coup de gras was when I was coming home, the little side street that I take EVERY DAY WITHOUT INCIDENT shut down right in front of me. An ambulance and a fire truck came whizzing by and got up to the intersection and shut it down because someone couldn't figure out the advanced Calculus required to negotiate a three way stop. So I was stuck in a line that was going nowhere.

I. COULD. NOT. BELIEVE. THIS. WAS. HAPPENING. TO. ME.

I pulled a u-turn and came around the other way and when I got to the same intersection, they shut down MY street to let the cars OF THE STREET I WAS JUST ON pass. So I had to wait.

The very real lightning and thunder going on outside did not compare what was going on inside me at this point.

2 hours and 45 minutes after I left work, I rolled in my driveway, teeth at full grit.

The first thing I did was to grab the camera because I thought at least I could get a pic and salvage this situation for a good blog entry. (Glad you bastards are enjoying this!!!)

The camera would not turn on.

Dead batteries.

I threw them away and went to the drawer to get fresh ones and ...

We were clean out.

So I went to my computer mouse and took the ones out of there and put them in the camera.

The camera still wouldn't turn on.

I started yelling at no one in particular but I haven't seen Buster since.

I put the batteries back in the mouse (and they work there, of course) and looked for the charger of the rechargeable batteries that go with the camera.

I found the charger.

No batteries in it.

I dug in the camera case and found the rechargeable batteries but was sure they would be dead (the reason they were in there in the first place was because they ran dry on vacation and I had put new ones in... the ones that just went dead).

I put the batteries in and the damn camera turned on. I didn't know how much juice they had but I didn't dally: I took a quick picture and thus ends the drama.

Enjoy the pic while I try to lower my blood pressure.























You try to be a nice guy….

Brainiatrics

A new Lieutenant checked in to our G6 (communication) a few months back and they assigned him to figure out why our network connection to MCRD San Diego was so crappy. Here's what he sent me:

"With regard to San Diego, it wasn't so much of an individual machine issue as it was a network issue. They were having lots of network problems to begin with and because their machines weren't caching static content (i.e. images and javascript files), each time they loaded up a page, it would try to download that content again. That could mean 100 copies of the same image being downloaded from the server just to load one page!"

For those of you that are not tech savy, that might sound impressive but for those of you that are, you might view it as elementary. Well, he's come up with a dozen more intricate fixes that make my head spin just trying to keep up with.

Now, he's a Lieutenant so how does he know so much? I mean, he's supposed to be a dopy LT like we all were, right?

Well, I set out to ask a fellow Captain and he tells me that the kid hasn't even been to the comm school yet.

WHHHHHHAT?

I couldn't stand it, I had to ask him. Here is what he had to say.

"Before I came in the Marine Corps, I worked for 6 years as a network engineer for a backbone Internet company doing network testing for data and voice-over-IP. I also worked as a system administrator/network engineer/software engineer for a financial services company that specializes in integrating online trading systems (i.e. making Etrade talk to NASDAQ). So, I happen to have quite a bit of network/software troubleshooting experience."

I feel double-digit IQ points dumber now.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Glo Bowl Me

Lately I’ve been chastised by a certain blogging “friend” who will go unnamed by rhymes with Killjoy, for not keeping up with my other blog.

Blogging about blogging. What has this world come to? Could it get worse? Yes, specifically now I’m blogging about the EXPLANATION which I’ve blogged about before.

I get behind because my other blog is more of a journal. I take notes when I haven’t the time to keep up. I use the notes to write accounts of the day as I remember them. It’s so when I get old (OK, oldER), I will have an account of that day. Plus, I’m so verbose (there, I admit it, happy?) that it takes considerable effort to keep up with the daily journal.

So, to keep up with the Killjones, here is what happened last night.

Killjoy can’t bowl. And I mean “can’t bowl” like puppies can’t do Kung-Fu. Now Claire has potential, with all the anger and the random throwing style to include over her head, the kid’s got the makings.

They joined us for some Glo-bowling last night at the base and we all had a good time, other than the fact I felt like I was at a hip-hop concert. It’s scary that Killjoy knew all the words. Very scary.

Carrie held her own and even managed to come close to ¾ my score. (tee hee). Alex was not in top form and Steph actually beat him both games. It was the first time she beat him at all and in the second game, she beat everyone. (Allow me to point out that I sat out the second game and just heckled.)

My low point was when I was goofing around with Claire who was playing a little game of hide from Mr. Jason. I saw her lurking around a corner and grabbed her, hoisted her up, and carried her to where we were bowling. Well, how was I to know she didn’t know it was me? It was too loud to hear her blood-curdling screams and when I put her down, she went crying to momma.

Oops.

Friday, August 12, 2005

PWT, er, I mean "C" County Fair

I have complained a lot about living in the hickiest fucking place imaginable. Now I got proof.

You’re going to think I made this up but I didn’t. They are having a fair here and the theme? “Go Hog Wild!”

I swear, it’ that bad. No, in fact, it's worse.

Cue the banjo.......

We’ll start with Billy Currington. He seems to be the headliner and I’ve never heard of him. I don’t even want to research it. But the pic kind of says it all.


It gets worse. Here is the line up:

A band called (my God, can this be real?): Povertyneck Hillbillies.

And once your hankerin’ for that is all took care of, wander over to see the Truck and Tractor Pull. Still can’t get enough? We gots a Mud Bog!

Still not enough, we gotcha covered: Garden Tractor Pull.

Oh, and don’t miss the PWTest of them all, the Demolition Derby.

Yeeeeee hawwwwwww!!!!


Now let’s turn to the talent. We already covered Billy Bob above but alas, there’s more. We got the Hambone Express (pig races)—three shows daily, I shit you not.

There’s a mandatory Civil War Display of course and yes, that’s a major headliner for this travesty.

But I’ve saved the best for last. You might want to shield the children’s eyes for this one.

There is a magic show, folks. Come see the Magic of Virgil!!!

As horrendous a name “Virgil” is for a magician, it does not even compare to the pic they have for it. Folks, this is the quintessential mullet-sporting talent around these parts.


I just can’t get over this pic. Is it how Virgil looks or the pose he’s going for. Or is it the pose of the woman. I’m just hypnotized by this but not in the way a magician should evoke.

I think Virgil is scared. I think Virgil is thinking about pulling a rabbit out of the hat. I think Virgil has a lot to tell mommy when he gets home. I think Virgil will be scrubbing his hands late at night, crying.

If you can tear yourself away from Virgil and his dead sexy assistant, you have the option of going to see….



THE BULL RUN CLOGGERS!!!!!

Now settle down folks, there will be room for everyone!!!

Please help me, I’m trapped in Hee Haw.

(and just in case you still have an inkling that this is a late night Mexican dinner-induced Hellscape of a nightmare, here is the link. No folks, it’s the real deal.)

Last thought: You gotta be shittin’ me 20 ways till Sunday!!!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Piano

I want to learn how to play the piano.

Because I want to be able to play modern songs, not Mary Had a Little Lamb.

My daughter has lessons that cost $17 per half hour session. That's $68 per month or $884 per year.

We have a piano.

Aggregation

Been busy with this concept for the last couple of days. I've gone from reading NO blogs to... well, I'm up to about 15. This is really addicting.

What turned me into a blog crack-addict? Aggregator.

I'll try to keep it Barney-level folks.

Most blog services offer an RSS feed. This is just a service that packages up your blog posts into a very generic format that can be sucked away quickly and displayed any old way.

Why would someone want to do this?

Simple, because some users read a lot of blogs and don’t want to go clicking around the whole internet to visit each blog, not knowing if it has been updated. So what an aggregator does is checks the blog sites you tell it to and then sucks out the latesty posts (via RSS feed) and displays them in one handy place. So you go there and see what’s new, read it in your aggregator browser, or click the link to open a new window with the real site displayed.

A few “boos” to complain about.

The online version I use only updates every hour or so, the newest posts could be missing.

The aggregator view does not show you comments.

Other than that, it’s beautiful. Check out BLOGLINES.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Gentlemen, Start Your Engines

I guess I have to count this as a good day.

Why?

Because they fixed the shitter.

Read this.

Yes, folks, they fixed my favorite shitter after about a month of putrid gestation going on in there. I also found out that someone had ripped the tape off the other day and made a deposit on top of the Satanic butt-mass that was already there.

People, that’s just wrong.

Do NOT Go In There

I was saving this blog for my other site but to understand my NEXT entry, I have to show you this one.

Just read:

I don't normally like poop talk.

OK, maybe it is an old blog standby that is guaranteed to get a laugh. In fact, I could dedicate an entire sub-page to my webpage with links to all the times I've discussed fecal follies. My marathon page alone would fill half the page.

But I must stoop once again and let this out (ewwww, stop it, you know what I meant....)

Someone destroyed one of the two toilets at work. I've been gone for 3 weeks and everything was dandy when I left. Well, as dandy as 100-year-old brick barracks converted to office space buildings can be, I guess.

I have my favorite, like most people. Come on, folks, you know you go to the same stall every single time and when someone is in there, you feel like they are in YOUR stall. Admit it.

So I go in there and see that MY stall is unoccupied so I gleefully open the door to see....

THE HORROR!!!!

What someone did in there must have required medical attention. If not, there is a sick bastard sliming around this building, maybe crawled into a dark corner and is decomposing. Finishing decomposing.

Allow me to get graphic...just because.

M80 buried in a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. Let explode. Then, pile in about 2 rolls of double-ply asswipe and let simmer for 3 weeks.

That about covers it.

So who should clean it up? Well, it seems that everyone has relegated that task to that severely overworked guy named Not Me. Our building employs a civilian cleaning crew but obviously this falls outside the particulars of their contract because the lady, who seems to park her cart in the doorway when I'm most desperate to use the bathroom, has not found the need to take care of this little problem.

So then it would make sense for the S4 to take care of it. They are the logistics guys and normally handle the facilities responsibilities. They keep the room stocked with paper and have to fix the doors and such around here so they seem like the logical choice.

Let me point out a couple of things about this I find amusing:

1. There has been a deteriorating step at the front door of the building since I got here. When it got bad enough, S4 put a cone on it. Then they put a sign that warned people. Then they LAMINATED the sign and put tape to secure it which served the dual purpose of keeping the cone grounded. My point is, they built a semi-permanent structure to warn people about something that would be easier just to go ahead and fix.

2. The back door of the building is near the S4 office. The air brake for the door broke so every time someone used it, it slammed shut with violent force creating a deafening sound. The S4 put a sign on the door ordering people not to let the door slam. OK, so you are telling me that the very entity that is bothered by this slamming door is the same as the one responsible for fixing it? And my motivation to play along with this is what? Again, wouldn't it be easier to FIX it than to go through all of this?

So you see, I don't have all of the faith in the world that the S3 will step lively to rectify this butt-bombed shitter situation, even though they too suffer the loss of 50% of their ability to unload their collective fecal matter. They have shown great willingness to suffer the consequences of their inaction.

So I must use the JV toilet along with everyone else. The one that has the mini-seat, a little too small for perfect comfort until, I don't know, the President signs the next budget and the military gets a 300% increase in spending.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Today is the day I hate Blogger

I know there is a lot of hate lately but I just spent 20 minutes creating a blog entry and blogger ate it. No sign of it.

I'm going to go and explore the world of cussing profusely.

and just to show you the preamble: "Shit!!!!!! MOTHER...............

Sunday, August 07, 2005

I Hate My Lawnmower

Not just dislike, not "tends to make me irritated" no, folks, I HATE it.

Yesterday it wasn't cutting so I had to tear it apart in the heat to clean it only to put it back together to discover it STILL didn't work.

#$%$@#%$#@%@$#

So today I took the time to tear it apart AGAIN in the heat (after a 16 mile run, mind you) to replace the $35 belt and when I got it back together....

The batterty was dead.

Why?

Because it's a fucker.

So I charged it up just enough to get it going, drove it to a patch of grass and discovered it still didn't cut.

Why?

I told you. Fucker.

Just as I discovered this, it stalled and died.

Why?

You thought I was going to call it a fucker again. But this time, it ran out of gas.

Fucker.

So I filled it up only to discover the battery was dead, again (OK, still).

Mother fucker!!!!

So I had to push it to the garage where it can rot in Hell for a billion eternities.

Brotherly Discussion About New King Kong Movie

This is an email conversation I had with my brother after we caught the preview for the new King Kong movie coming out. The scene we are talking about is at the end of the preview, you see a Tyrannosaurus Rex chasing a woman through the woods and then you see Kong's legs, with the requisite heavy breathing, from behind come down in front of the woman so that she is inbetween the two beasts.

Rex hesitates after looking at Kong and the woman is frozen scared. Rex then makes a move toward the woman and then it happens. Kong didn't exactly roar because that does not convey what he issued forth. He friggin' let out the sound of promised death and left no doubt what the score was.

If you've read any of my blogs, notice how similar my brother and I describe scenes, real and imagined:

Me:
Tyro jumps into view.
From behind, Kong leaps down. Breathes hard.
Tyro makes his move to the girl.
Holy fuck, Kong just goes FULL FUCKING ROAR.
I think I peed a little when he did that.
WHAT in this Universe would it take to challenge THAT?

Chris:

It would take the balls the size of which Kong probably has. I'm telling you, if that was Mom, and I was the Tyro......see you in heaven Mom and I guarantee you that I wouldn't be going to heaven that day because I would be running away screaming like a little BITCH. I wouldn't even be a meat-eater anymore. If a small, little, dinosaur the size of a cat saw how I reacted to Kong, that dinosaur would OWN me.

Like in that Looney Tunes cartoon with that little dog and the big dog and by the end of the cartoon the big dog was kissing the little dog's ass and the little dog just slaps him around...."SHATTUP" slap!

Kong's roar wasn't even like a warning roar, like "Hey this is my property so why don't you just go away please" It was "I will #%cking rip your whole body to shreds and won't stop pounding on you until your body is liquid". kind of roar.

Peed hell, I think I felt turtle head out my ass when I saw it in the theater. Sometimes when I'm at work I wish I could roar like that when someone walks into my office and I don't want to be bothered. I bet that is what it was like when you walked into the ring against Mike Tyson when he was in his prime.

Talk to you later....

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

1/10 Of 1%. Not Enough.

1/10th of 1% of people will ever or have ever finished a marathon.

I've finished 13.

And two 50 mile races which represents an even a smaller population of human beings.

If either one of my children EVER runs a marathon, if I'm not there at the finish line (or running beside them), I will be on the phone that day to ask for the play by play. Details. How did you feel? Where were the tough spots? Do you think you ran your best race you could this day? Do you realize what you have accomplished?

My parents are divorced.

I talked to my mom yesterday and mentioned, in a list of things I did on vacation, that I ran a marathon. Not even a mention, question, or even acknowledgement forthe rest ofthe conversation.

I talked to my dad for his birthday today. I slid it into the conversation very briefly. Not even a mention, question, or even acknowledgement for the rest of the conversation.

It makes me think what I'd have to do to actually catch their attention.

But at this point, what does it matter?

Thinking back, they've never acknowledged any of them, except to ask why the hell I'd run that far.

My question to my kids will be "What did you learn about yourself when you were out there?"

Happy Birthday, Dad

Today is my dad's birthday. I'll be getting a card later at the PX (sheepish grin). It will be Hallmark because for some reason, my dad always checks. Why it has to be Hallmark, I don't know. According to him, that is the pinnacle. The man eats TV dinners but has to have Hallmark. Don't even ask.

Today is also the 15th anniversary of Iraq invading Kuwait. I remember this because, you guessed it, it's my dad's birthday.

So happy birthday, Dad and to Saddass Insane, you're time is coming... to an end. Reap it.